Whitey Detection System

So, I ordered a “Whitey Will Pay” t-shirt from the hypocritally pro-capitalism folks over at Unamerican, as part of my ongoing disguise for when the revolution comes (phase one: “man of the people” bumper sticker, phase two: anti-whitey clothing, phase three: rainbow afro wig?).  Unfortunately, they may be employing some advanced, “whitey-detector” on their e-commerce system, as it’s been several weeks, and I’ve yet to receive the shirt.  Worse yet, my helpful emails to their (suspiciously non-responsive) helpbot email have disappeared, unanswered, into the e-ther, as it were.  I even tried cajoling (”surely you realize the urgency, as whitey’s debt to society isn’t getting any smaller…”), but nothing.  I fear I shall have to employ subterfuge, perhaps wait until my half-breed daughter starts looking more ethnic, and get her to order for me. I just hope she darkens up before the revolution comes.  Mas frijoles, Emerson!  Papa needs his hipster t-shirt!!

Hey, speaking of the Man of the People bumper sticker, I’m in a bit of conundrum.  My passion for low speed mayhem has left me with the need to replace my entire rear bumper (apparently you can’t just “hammer-out” massive dents in plastic.  Silly me.), and along with it, the one of a kind M.O.T.P. bumper sticker.  I’d order another, but 1) I can’t remember where I got it from, and 2) I’m not sure replacing it with the same sticker is the right way to go.  I’ll have to come up with a new phrase, something that appropriately reflects my egalitarian, populist approach to life while still subtly making it clear what side of the line I belong on when the class warfare breaks out.  But I need to replace the bumper, because I got these awesome new stickers from the Gov’t the other day that let me drive in the carpool/HOV lane without anyone else in the car, and let me park at parking meters for free, anywhere in California, only I can’t put the stickers on, since I’m going to have the bumper replaced.  So it’s a bit of a Mexican standoff - gov’t stickers need to go on, but can’t until the bumper’s replaced, bumper can’t be replaced until I think of something suitably clever for the replacement bumper, and so on…