Friends of mine are well aware that I am a fan of Columbus, OH based webcartoonist Natalie Dee’s crude drawings, hilarious stories & awesome photos of her pugs, Charles & Chester. Scrolling through her Flickr feed for the occasional Pug shot is extremely rewarding, especially when you read the comments she leaves below each photo. As a bonus, it’s nice to see that she shares my healthy attitude towards the ursine threat.
Whenever people harass me about my general lack of outdoor activities and/or my gorgeous alabaster complexion, I always mentally reference this cartoon:
Which is why I was so delighted when a friend sent me the link to this shirt. Apparently it’s in reference to this scene from the always brilliant Colbert Report, which only makes it more true. In case you’re curious, I believe Bearphobia is hereditary.
P.S. If you don’t immediately recognize the source of the Simpsons quote in the title of this post, you need to hunt down & watch that episode, it may be the greatest 30 minutes of TV comedy ever.
I was cruising around the BET website looking for information about The Christies, the new reality show about Doug Christie & his lunatic wife, when I ran across the promo page for the new show Beef. In a nutshell, “Beef: The Series explores the conflicts of America’s hottest celebrities every Wednesday at 9 p.m. (ET/PT)!” I hate to sound like a complete provincial rube, but what the fuck, Black America?
Are you really going to tune into a show about millionaires who have petty grudges against other millionaires? Episode One’s synopsis makes me think this show was pitched to E! (Entertainment Television) and then rejected for not being highbrow enough for the discerning E! audience. ”In the first episode, Beef: The Series explores the catfight between Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell, and gets into Lil’ Romeo and Bow Wow’s beef.” There’s seriously an audience wanting to know about Tyra Bank’s opinion of Naomi Campbell? Aren’t Lil Romeo & Bow Wow both 18? Man, am I old. And white.
I just wish E! would make a version of this for whitey. ”On the next episode of I’ve Got A Bone To Pick, Barbara Streisand - is she still angry at Bruce Willis for his caustic remarks about James Brolin? Plus, inside the feud between Haley Joel Osment & Jonathan Lipnicki!”
Our office has an informal policy of circulating hallmarkish cards for key life events, like when employees leave, or have kids, or a member of their family dies. We used to do ‘em for birthdays, but we have too many employees for that now. The card is equipped with a list of employee names, and you get it, write your trite three or four word note & cross off your name, then find someone whose name isn’t crossed off and give the card to them. This always poses a problem for me, because I have almost as hard a time resisting writing something funny once it’s occurred to me as I do saying something funny once it’s occurred to me, and bereavement cards are the wrong place for the uncomfortable joke. Or rather they’re the PERFECT place for them.
Last week, our company dwarf resigned after years of working here, allegedly to travel the world in a series of tiny little steps. This event necessitated the circulation of yet another card. After three pages of “Best wishes [name of dwarf]“, or “Have fun on your journey, [name of dwarf]“, I felt compelled to write something distinct. I ended up with “Good luck, [name of dwarf], we’ll miss the pitter patter of… well, you know”. He’s been gone for a few days now, but the little stepladder he kept in the handicapped stall in the men’s room is still there. Sometimes I use it to make myself feel like a giant when I pee.
A few months back, my boss’s father passed away. He was pretty torn up about the whole thing, and when the card circulated, I was in a bit of a quandry. I really like this guy, I’ve known him for a decade & he’s one of the better friends I have, so I wouldn’t ever want to write something to hurt his feelings. That said, when I received the card, it was full of page after page of “So sorry to hear about your dad” and “Our condolences are with you” etc. I wanted to write something that he would know was from me, and by way of how my logic worked, the one thing you’d wish for a friend in a time of sorrow is that they could move past it and eventually smile again. I ended up writing “Hey [name of boss], I feel awkward asking this, but is it too soon for me to ask your mom on a date?”
Eventually I suspect they will stop circulating the cards through me.
