You Should Totally Invest In My Fake Business

I have a bad habit of issuing consumer ultimatums, especially ones I have no power to enforce like “oh, so you won’t refund my 53 cent ‘handling fee’, eh? Well let’s see if I EVER use your product again, U.S. Postal Service!” Frequently, this leads to me having to cancel services like cell phone providers or bank accounts in order to back up my threat (so they know I wasn’t fucking around!), which always ends up being more hassle than it was worth.

Recently, I was using a “rewards” credit card and failed to notice in the fine print that there was a cap on the total $$ that they’d issue in one calendar year. When October rolled around & I was still using the card for all my expenses (including my reimbursed ones for the company I work for), I was shocked & annoyed to find out that I’d be receiving no further rewards checks, and all my spending was uncredited. Skipping over a lot of angry phone calls, the upshot is, I sure showed them! I cancelled my card & got a new one from a different company, with a RIDICULOUSLY low credit limit that I’m not sure would cover me for a weekend out. For some reason, the old card had a mammoth limit, built up over years with the company, but the new card was from a much more prudent & judicious creditor, and they didn’t like the look on my face when I applied, apparently.

So, clearly I needed a backup card. One day, when I’m surfing on Amazon.com I see an ad for an Amazon cobranded Corporate Credit Card for small business owners to issue to their employees. Because I’m a jackass, I decide to apply, being completely forthright about the fact that I don’t own (nor never have owned, never will own) a small business. In the Business Name field, I put “MY FAKE BUSINESS” and in the Tax ID field I just put my SSN.

Well hello, credit fraud. It arrived today (four days after I applied) with a $15,000 limit, higher than the original rewards card that I cancelled plus the goofy replacement card I got combined. This is why America is the greatest place on Earth. My favorite part is that they typed out “My Fake Business” on the front of the card. Now I just need to know what My Fake Business will sell. I like to think we’re in the “people business.”