Narrowing Down The List

While I’m not sure once I’m dead whether I’ll have my ashes stored in a stuffed bear or merely thrown in the face of one of the numerous enemies I will have acquired by then, one thing that I know for sure is that I no longer need to have my corpse dug up & sodomized, because last night I watched Shooter, the movie of the awesome book Point of Impact, and it felt pretty much like Hollywood was raping my corpse.

One of the side effects of Old Man Grumpus syndrome is that you lose your sense of optimism.  True quote - the other day my Mom said that the last time she’d felt optimistic was November 22nd, 1963, which is pretty awesome since I was born like 8 years later, but still, she has a point.  Optimism is harder & harder to come by, especially when it comes to big Hollywood movies.  I take a lot of crap from people at work for my constant movie pessimism (”There’s no way THAT’s not going to suck!” is my usual post movie trailer quote), but I’m also pretty much always right.

I need things to stop sucking, and then maybe I’ll consider not being so pessimistic all the damn time.

links for 2007-06-11

• Japanese Touristy map of the U.S.

  (tags: japan maps geography)

• Huggable Urns - Hollow Teddy Bears for storing Mom & Dad’s cremated ashes

  Awww… No, wait. I mean: Ewwww… on the other hand it does give me an idea of what to do with Oscar’s hollowed out corpse when he dies…

  (tags: creepy adorable supercreepy cute snuggles)

• Recursive Lakes & Islands

  Man did this make my inner nerd giggle. I’m lame.

  (tags: geography maps lakes islands)

• ‘pug With Velvet Bag’ Lamp

  So fucking hideous, but it does give me another idea of what to do with Oscar’s hollowed out corpse when he dies…

  (tags: pugs lamps furniture ugly kitsch)

links for 2007-06-09

• The Profit Calculator — New York Magazine
  how various people make a living in NYC
  (tags: business economics money nyc journalism)
• Creationist Museum, Kentucky, 2007 - a photoset on Flickr
  (tags: nutty creationism museum flickr photos)
• 60’s Jello Ad VideoSift
  Ah, the 1960’s…
  (tags: advertising retro)

A Lunch “Outing”*

One of my better friends is a stay at home dad, with twins, and we have a semi-regular habit of getting lunch every month or so during the work week.  He loads both the toddlers in the mini-van & we end up eating at some chain burger joint like Chilis or Applebees, etc.  The unintentional comedy of these outings is that they couldn’t possibly seem more gay if we started blowing each other during the meal.  Two guys, two little toddlers, and my affinity for super gay drinks like Strawberry Lemonade are pretty much sealing the deal for our waitstaff & the entire community of tables around us.  The most amusing thing for me is, I’m not 100% sure what the worst part is for my friend:

1) Everyone thinking that if he was gay, the best he could do is score me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a super handsome dude, but I’m a wee bit husky, and I know the gay waiters in particular (or “gaiters,” as I call ‘em) are thinking “jesus, dude, you could do so much better” when they look at my straight friend and imagine he’s stuck with me.

 Or

2) Everyone thinking that if he was gay, he’s clearly the chick in the relationship, since he’s doing all the taking care of the little ‘uns during the meal & I’m not helping out that much.  I frequently like to enhance this misperception by making a big show of paying for the meal, which I primarily do because being a stay at home dad doesn’t pay as well as being a high powered executive such as myself.

I joked with him about the whole issue at lunch, but next time I go out to lunch with him I’m probably going to have to wear my I Heart Vagina t-shirt.

*I’m kinda pissed that no one got my Night Ranger reference in the original title of the religion & family post three down from this one, so I’m opting for less subtlety from here on out.

links for 2007-06-08

• ‘omg my mom joined facebook!!’ - New York Times
  my feelings crystalized
  (tags: facebook socialnetworking aging)

Pugs And Donuts

Lord Help Us

So, lately my fiery Latina wife has been talking about the tradition & beauty of Catholic services, even going so far as to attend a morning mass at her old school’s Church a few Sundays back.  As far as I can tell, she doesn’t really believe in the doctrines of the church, it’s more of a combination of nostalgia for her Catholic upbringing, a love of ritual & sacrament, and a strong desire to find inexpensive pre-school for the Little Baby Cupcake.  I mentioned to her that I believe the only reason religious day-care is inexpensive is because the churches are subsidizing the cost in exchange for the exclusive chance to gain a convert for life in the form of our impressionable (and let’s face it, easily duped) little 17 month old.  But she remains convinced there’s no agenda on the part of organized religion.*

The truth of the matter is, I think my wife may have caught a mild case of Jesus, and she’s not the only one.  Religion is a difficult enough issue for an individual to deal with on a personal level, all the more so for a couple, and exponentially more so when there is a child involved.  I’m deeply in favor of the trappings of Christianity (”do unto others” charitable works, etc), but I don’t particularly believe in the supernatural teachings behind them (miracles, heaven, the power of prayer, etc).  How will this impact the upbringing of the LBC?  Only time will tell. 

Until this matter is resolved, I will pray to Saint Fabiola (patron saint of divorces), for the strength to hold my tongue and the wisdom to avoid picking unecessary fights.

BTW, I’m really getting a lot of use out of this topically arranged list of Patron Saints.

*NOW who’s being naive?

At last a blessing from above

So, the longtime faithful readers of the jonsonblog are only too aware of the many slings & arrows madam technology has cursed me with, from a lack of Verizon Fiber Optic service in my neighborhood to… well, that’s the primary one that bugs me, but I’m sure there are others.  And besides, that one bugs me enough to count twice.

Fortunately, St. Isidore of Seville (the patron saint of technology) has smiled upon his faithful servant at last.  No, I’m not getting higher speed internet access, but according to the good people in the heavens above (DIRECTV), I’ll soon be receiving over one hundred (!!) high definition television channels.  Soon, as in, a month or two from now.

Now, the funny thing about HD service currently is that even with only the bare 15 channels of HD entertainment that DIRECTV is offering now, they’re already liberally stretching the definition of the word “entertainment.” Three of the 15 channels only exist to show old HD content like network sitcoms & dramas that failed within the past three years.  One of the other channels is ESPN 2, which shows a LOT of non-HD content like repeats of old poker, billiard & bowling tournaments. 

I’m thinking that by the time they get to adding the 30th through 85th additional HD channels, they’re just going to be putting on any crap they can find (”Stunned Mouse In a Dixie Cup Channel,” “Used Car Lot Infomercial Channel”).  But the cruel truth is, it doesn’t matter.  I’m sure their early studies have confirmed what everyone I’ve spoken to (every fellow HD customer, that is) would say, and that is “watching paint dry in HD is more compelling than watching interesting things happen in Standard Definition.”  And as soon as they realized that format trumps content, they probably signed 60 or more of the new channels in the space of a day.

One of the gags in Mike Judge’s film Idiocracy was a nation so dumbed down that the number one show was called “Ouch, my balls!” and it featured a hapless male protagonist repeatedly struck in the crotch in a number of cartoonish situations.  I won’t be surprised if Ouch My Balls is playing on one of my 100 HD channels in a couple of months.  And I won’t be surprised if I’m watching it.

links for 2007-06-01

• NY Times “Are You Middle Class?” software tool
  86th Percentile is still middle class, right?
  (tags: economics culture status money flash nytimes)