Archive for November, 2007

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Holy crap, I still have a blog?

November 19, 2007

I’m not sure why, but I seem to have forgotten that I had a blog over the last week or so.  Sorry for the slim updates.  I think everyone who reads this thing either had a baby or is just about to have a baby, so I’m pretty sure you’ve found other things to occupy your time.  If you haven’t had a baby in the last couple of weeks, you totally should.  November babies are awesome, especially famous ones like Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix & Chick Hearn.  Wait, what’s that? MY birthday?  Yes, now that you mention it, my birthday IS coming up.  The 27th, actually.

Back in the early days of the web, there was a site called something like “The world birthday database” and people would voluntarily go there and put in their name, email address & birthday, and occasionally strangers would send you email on your birthday wishing you well. Then, in phase two, benevolent dorks wrote scripts to parse the page & automate a daily birthday greeting to everyone on their birthdays.  Seconds later, advertisers figured out how to harvest the page for contactable data & pretty soon the entire page was gone.

In the 1990s, when I was asked for my email address on questionable warez/mp3 sites,  I would always give my address without hesitation, ’cause after all, I could just delete any spam I received.  Oh, sweet innocent days, how I miss them.

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links for 2007-11-19

November 18, 2007
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links for 2007-11-10

November 9, 2007
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If Only I Could Harness This Power For Evil

November 8, 2007

A couple hours later, and I’m already the #3 result in Google for “Sexy Gambling,” ahead of even sexy-gambling.com, which has got to be very embarassing for the people in charge of their search engine optimization.  Nice try, sexy-gambling.com, but you failed to write enough blog entries about being raped by bears, and that’s why I win.  Advantage, Jonson!

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The Heartbreak of Restless Leg Syndrome

November 8, 2007

According to the Wikipedia, Restless Leg Syndrome “is a condition that is characterised by an irresistible urge to move one’s legs” which sounds like something I’d normally make fun of if it weren’t for the fact that I’m busy making fun of the cure for Restless Leg Syndrome. 

Apparently you can bring much needed rest to your lower appendages through a steady diet of Requip, a drug whose side effects are as bizarre as the Syndrome they cure.  From the Requip siteAlso tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. WTF?  The cure for the jimmylegs makes you want to fuck & gamble?  I’m worried someone has been putting Requip in my Diet Pepsi, cause I spend 92% of my waking thoughts on sex and gambling, and most of my dreams are sexy gambling dreams. 

I may be on to something here.  I wonder if my body naturally manufactures the Requip endorphins, which is why my legs are naturally so non-jittery and also why I sexy gamble* so much.

*sexy gambling is a new term I have made up, covering a broad spectrum of activities that I cannot go into on a public forum.

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links for 2007-11-07

November 6, 2007
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Now Who’s The Retard

November 4, 2007

An alert jonsonblog reader asks “Have you explored wearing the Slanket as a pair of billowy pants?

Now who’s the retard?!

Well played sir, well played.

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Slanket FAQ

November 2, 2007

My recent acquisition of a Slanket  has triggered a number of questions from jonsonblog readers, both in the comments and in my real-life interactions.  Towards that end, I have compiled the following FAQ.

  1. Q: Does the Slanket actually exist?  Do you own one?  A: Yes, I own a Slanket. This product actually exists, and I own one.
  2. Q: Is it called a Slanket because it is a blanket with sleeves? A: Not at all; the inventor, Finnegan Q. Slanket wanted to honor his family name.  Of course it is called Slanket because it is a Blanket with Sleeves. Dumbass.
  3. Q: Is there a hole for your junk? A: You have the Slanket confused with some sort of masturbation aid.  I understand why, as it is a product you first heard of here on the jonsonblog, which likely means it has some association in your mind with genitalia & the proper use thereof.  Nonetheless, this product is only for warming of the torso & arms and should not cause orgasms in any way except among cozy fetishists.
  4. Q: Will you be providing a product review? A: It is a Slanket.  You put your arms in the sleeves & lie on the couch reading Thoreau playing videogames.  What is there to review?
  5. Q: Isn’t the Slanket just a terrycloth bathrobe that you wear backwards? A: No, but I see how you could make that mistake.  Here, refer to the following diagram:

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