Sex: I’ve Had Some

So, this will come as no surprise, but I’ve totally had sex, like a bunch of times.  Jealous?  Sure you are.  But the interesting point is that when I ran across this guide for elderly male virgins (I found it by googling World of Warcraft.  Seriously.) there were a surprising number of things I didn’t know.  For example, the guide covers the following topics:

• What It Feels Like To Have Sex
• What You Need To Do To Prepare
• How To Handle Premature Ejaculation
• What To Do If You Can’t Get Hard
• How to Act so the Girl Doesn’t Realize You’re a Virgin
• How To Clean Up Properly “Down There” Before Having Sex
• How To Deal With Grooming Issues Such As Hairy Penis Shaft
• How To Clean Up The Right Way Afterwards
• The Best Positions For First Time Sex
• And Tons More…

I won’t lie to you, I have no idea how to deal with Hairy Penis Shaft.  I hope they mean my own.  If someone elses is going to be involved, then I may have been doing sex wrong for the most part.  Also, when they say “how to clean up THE RIGHT WAY afterwards, I hope they mean “wipe your junk on the curtains,” because that’s been my modus operandi since 1990, and I’m not changing now!  So, needless to say, I ordered this valuable guide post-haste.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise for the vast portion of the jonsonblog audience that has yet to know the sybaritic delights of fleshly pleasures, but I will sum up a couple key learnings:

If she’s riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.

WTF?  I’m glad I didn’t find this out until after I had my daughter, because now I may never have sex again.  Penis breaking is an option?

Someone is going to get semen on them at some point.

Heh.  I hope it’s her.  I get enough semen on me at work, I certainly don’t need it in my personal life as well.

Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.

I’m not sure this is a guide for virgins so much as a guide to a fraternity hazing.  Left sadly unaddressed by this guide was a question that has eluded me many decades into my life of conquests: How do I know if she is enjoying herself or just faking it?  Just kidding, who cares!  Am I right guys?