Do You Want Two CD’s?

One of the better “single serving sites” that is sadly no longer around was called “Do You Want Two CD’s” (I forget the exact URL) and when you went there, it asked only if you wanted two CDs.  Yes was the only clickable option, which would load a picture of some dude’s nutsack and the screaming headline “DO YOU WANT TO SEE DEEZ NUTS!!!!”

I mention this only because a heavy set gigantically boobed acquaintance has for the past year or two been wearing super low cut tops, exposing at least 40% of the total surface area of her breasts, and when a friend and I were discussing it, we decided the appropriate response was to walk around with our flies unzipped, and roughly 40% of our scrotums pulled through the barn doors. We termed this ballsack cleavage to be called Bleavage.

I talk a good game, but there’s no way I’m courageous enough to pull this off.  But I can honestly say I’d pay about $100 for good quality video of some guy striking up a conversation with the boobie flaunter while standing there exposing his Bleavage until someone said something about it.*

* Important Jonson Trivia Fact: I can’t STAND awkward situations in TV or Movies.  But I LOVE them in real life.

Fuck You, Brain

Thanks to the lab rat quantities of Nutrasweet I’ve consumed over the years, I can’t remember simple facts, like my daughter’s birthday, or if I have a daughter.  My terrible memory is one of the reasons I started writing this blog. I go back and re-read the older entries and I have no memory of writing them at all; it’s literally as though a stranger with my exact sense of humor wrote a bunch of stories that only I would find funny.

However, for whatever reason, it turns out that if the event occurred prior to 1990, I can’t seem to forget it, no matter how much I want to.  I was talking with a friend last night, when we realized that we could both vividly conjure up the poster for the movie April Fool’s Day, an utter piece of crap slasher from the 1980s.  For some reason, I will always readily know my childhood friend Michael’s phone number, even though I’ve not dialed it since I lived in England in 8th grade, yet the missus will ask me if I remembered to run some errand on the way home and my only response is “who are you, you strange woman? We should totally do it before my wife gets here.” 

Whenever I’m confronted with this kind of mental breakdown, not only do I curse my lack of memory, but somewhat involuntarily my brain throws in a useless fact as an almost deliberate taunt.  The other day the missus asked if I remembered to deliver a Thank You note she had written and while I had to admit that I hadn’t, I was pleased to remember that the tagline for 1988’s Maniac Cop was “You have the right to remain silent - FOREVER!”