People Who Want You To Vote for Obama

Oscar & Lola, My Pugs

 

The Little Baby Cupcake

 

Shamus, the Scotsman who molested me as a child

Humorous Drunken Beatings In The News

I can’t decide which of the two following assaults is my favorite Assault of the Week.  The first one, which I call “Trailer Park Prosthetic Leg Assault” involves a drunken redneck visiting her sister’s mobile home, at which point an argument breaks out and the drunk yanks off the sister’s fake leg & beats her with it. 

Assault #2, which I’m calling “The Empire Strikes Back,” takes place in England, and involves two Jedi (seriously, Jedi is an official state-recognized religion in the UK) being attacked by a drunk wearing a Darth Vader mask & a black garbage bag.  Bonus points to Assault #1 for the Prosthetic Leg detail, but equal points to the British yob who went to the trouble of purchasing/assembling a Darth Vader costume. 

In a close match, I’m giving the nod to Assault #2, but only because I can feel better about it.  In the Trailer Park attack, the victim was handicapped, and probably trying to get her sister to stop drinking.  In the UK, two dudes who list Jedi as their official religion got what I can only imagine the police report listed as a “well-deserved thrashing.”  Interesting handicapped tie-in, while in the US, a prosthetic leg was the weapon of choice, in the UK, Darth Vader resorted to using a crutch to dispense Sith justice, as apparently he had no light saber handy.

My Dinner With Barack

So over here, it turns out that if you donate $5 or more (up to the $2300 max) you get entered into a drawing to have a dinner with Barack Obama & three other winners, just the five of you talking about whatever you feel like discussing.  Needless to say, I entered, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to win (because I have a system when it comes to games of chance!).  Which means I better start thinking about what I’m going to discuss with Barack over dinner.

I figure the other three chumps are going to want to have their say, all “blah blah blah health care blah special interests blah” but I’m going to seize control of the conversation with my hard hitting issues & find out where the candidate really stands. 

First topic: Is it socially unacceptable to use the term Mulatto?  A female friend used that term in reference to Jason Taylor from the Miami Dolphins, while describing how attractive he was.  Up until now I hadn’t thought the term was offensive (and yet, Octaroon seems very clearly wrong…).  Then the friend followed it up with “I’m not usually attracted to black people,” and I was forced to cast everything she had previously said through my PC filter.  Was this closet racist attempting to reintroduce a taboo phrase into my vocabulary?  Wikipedia was less than helpful, so I’m pretty sure the only place to go for an answer to this question is by asking the most famous Mulatto in America.

Topic the Second: Five years ago, on a walk around my neighborhood, my pug puppy Oscar barked at a tiny infant whose parents were pushing him in the stroller.  I jokingly told the parents “He HATES babies!” as a light ice-breaker kind of joke, to get around the awkward situation of my dog having startled their toddler.  To this day, the Missus contends that this was not an appropriate response to the situation, and made us look like we raised our pug to hate tiny adorable babies.  I disagree, naturally, and will rely on the judgment of Mr Obama to settle the issue once and for all.

Finally (I’m not sure how long this dinner is going to run, but I feel like more than three topics of discussion will be pushing it), I want to see where Barack stands on my favorite conundrum, namely if you’d were going to have a one night stand with a person missing an arm or leg or what have you, wouldn’t you rather have sex with a person missing ALL their arms & legs?  I’m very interested in what Obama has to say about this topic, as I see it becoming a wedge issue in the swing states like Florida & Ohio.

I’ll keep you posted as to the inevitable results of the contest.

Sex: I’ve Had Some

So, this will come as no surprise, but I’ve totally had sex, like a bunch of times.  Jealous?  Sure you are.  But the interesting point is that when I ran across this guide for elderly male virgins (I found it by googling World of Warcraft.  Seriously.) there were a surprising number of things I didn’t know.  For example, the guide covers the following topics:

• What It Feels Like To Have Sex
• What You Need To Do To Prepare
• How To Handle Premature Ejaculation
• What To Do If You Can’t Get Hard
• How to Act so the Girl Doesn’t Realize You’re a Virgin
• How To Clean Up Properly “Down There” Before Having Sex
• How To Deal With Grooming Issues Such As Hairy Penis Shaft
• How To Clean Up The Right Way Afterwards
• The Best Positions For First Time Sex
• And Tons More…

I won’t lie to you, I have no idea how to deal with Hairy Penis Shaft.  I hope they mean my own.  If someone elses is going to be involved, then I may have been doing sex wrong for the most part.  Also, when they say “how to clean up THE RIGHT WAY afterwards, I hope they mean “wipe your junk on the curtains,” because that’s been my modus operandi since 1990, and I’m not changing now!  So, needless to say, I ordered this valuable guide post-haste.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise for the vast portion of the jonsonblog audience that has yet to know the sybaritic delights of fleshly pleasures, but I will sum up a couple key learnings:

If she’s riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.

WTF?  I’m glad I didn’t find this out until after I had my daughter, because now I may never have sex again.  Penis breaking is an option?

Someone is going to get semen on them at some point.

Heh.  I hope it’s her.  I get enough semen on me at work, I certainly don’t need it in my personal life as well.

Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.

I’m not sure this is a guide for virgins so much as a guide to a fraternity hazing.  Left sadly unaddressed by this guide was a question that has eluded me many decades into my life of conquests: How do I know if she is enjoying herself or just faking it?  Just kidding, who cares!  Am I right guys?

Whore Diamonds: An Overview

So, despite my otherwise lavish lifestyle, I tend to do most of my whoring at the discount cathouse, which is why the Elliot Spitzer story is so fascinating to me.  Of all the news items leaked so far, this one is by far the most informative.  In it, on slide five you’ll see an overview of the pricing system in place at the former Emperor’s Club, the high-end whorehouse where Spitzer did his business.  Apparently the women were listed on their website with a number of diamonds under each image, and the diamonds corresponded to price:

Please note: one diamond & two diamond whores don’t even get to work at the Emperor’s Club.  That’s how you know you’re dealing with a classy establishment.

Three diamonds - $10,000/day

Four diamonds - $12,000/day

Five diamonds - $15,000/day

Six diamonds - $21,000/day

Seven diamonds - $31,000/day

My co-worker, upon reading the rates, said “I’d be inclined to masturbate & pocket the difference,” which does seem to be good financial advice.  My only question is, how bad must it suck to be the three diamond whore?  I mean, every day you go to work at a job in which you’re nothing but a hole for strangers to come in, and not only are you the worst, least desireable hole in the establishment, but that fact is broadcast on the internet for everyone to know.  “Perhaps sir would prefer to nail one of our discount models?  I’ll call Cindy.”  Along those same lines, I’d personally find it hard to reach orgasm with the three diamond whore.  I’d be too distracted wondering what the extra $21,000 would have bought me.  What kind of magical cooter must the seven diamond whore have, and when did she discover its value? By the way, if you’re wondering, “Kristen”, the woman who brought down Spitzer ,was in fact a three diamond whore, so either they can’t be THAT bad, or Spitzer is exceptionally frugal.  More on the topic here, if you’re interested.

SWEET JESUS AT LAST MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED

 ”Walk your dog, take the garbage out, get the mail… any problems occur…”  I’m not sure where this guy takes his garbage, but I don’t usually need a submachine gun to live through the chore.

Hilariously Awful

How It’s Made - BACON

I could have sworn magic was involved.  How else did they make it magically delicious?

Marriage

Lemon Party

For those that don’t know, lemonparty.org is a disturbing single image website with a shot of three guys in their seventies having a gay orgy.  Similar to the now defunct goatse & tubgirl (check the wikipedia, but don’t Google Image Search unless you want to be visually disturbed and/or aroused), it’s a “shock site” that unscrupulous people try to dupe their friends into seeing.  Which is why it was so awesomely subversive to see it referenced on this week’s 30 Rock, far & away the funniest show on TV these days.  The main character, Tina Fey’s “Liz Lemon” has visiting parents, and her dad Richard at one point says “it wouldn’t be a Lemon party without Old Dick!” 

The best thing about the reference wasn’t just seeing an internet meme mentioned on TV, which is far from original, or even just the fact that a prime time major network show made reference to a gay orgy website, but the degree to which it was worked in.  For those in the know, it was a really risque joke, and yet for those who didn’t, it flew right by without even seeming awkward or out of place with the other dialogue.  30 Rock has a bit of a tradition of rewarding niche/nerd audiences with Tivo-esque single frame jokes, etc, but this was really subversive & funny.  What’s perhaps best of all is that a quick check of the YouTube reveals that this is second Lemon Party reference on 30 Rock.  One of their writers is having a great time, or rather was, until they all went on Strike.