Bacon Jerky

This was disgusting.

Spoiler Alert

A while back I mentioned to my friend the small subgenre of films that all share the same plot: “things sure were better before we found all that money”.  This collection includes

• A Simple Plan
• Shallow Grave
• Treasure of the Sierra Madre
• Millions
• No Country for Old Men

And probably a couple of others I could think of if I really tried.  The one thing these movies all have in common is that they are better than average, in my opinion.  As directly opposed to another subgenre single line plot that I’ve seen way too much of recently: “the victim IS the killer but didn’t realize it due to insanity/split personality.”   That list is long & growing, and almost none of the movies on it are particularly good.

• The Uninvited
• Abandon
• Identity
• Fight Club
• Three (imaginary film within a film from Adaptation)
• Hide & Seek
• Shutter Island (it’s not out yet – but that’s how the book is)
• Sleepaway Camp
• High Tension
• Secret Window

There’s probably several dozen more I can’t remember, but jesus, with the exception of Fight Club, has this plot ever worked in a movie?

Curious

When “Radiohead” play the Grammys but only Thom & Johnny are on stage, how do Colin, Ed & Phil find out they aren’t invited?

1. Thom BCC’s them jointly on an email entitled “guess who isn’t playing the Grammys”
2. They find out when they turn on the TV & see “Radiohead” announced & Thom & Johnny on stage in Los Angeles
3. They don’t care because they are busy in New Zealand recording with Neil Finn & Jeff Tweedy

I know #3 is true, but I’m pretty sure Thom would be fine with any of the above options.

It’s a Miracle!

This headline was the main story on CNN, and I believe a cursory examination of the participants will lead you to the same conclusion I came to: namely, this whole procedure was dreampt up by Dr. Pervert in the middle/rear of the photo.  Just look at his creepy facial hair & beady eyes.   He’s just waiting for the donors to start showing up so he can convince more of them.

“Oh, no cutting you open?  That’s so 20th century, what are we, savages? No, no, nowadays the common practice is for me to fish around in your cooter until I grab hold of something and then just yank that little devil right out through your hoo-haw.”

Nice try, reprobate.  I see through your scam, and while I applaud your ingenuity, I cannot condone your tactics.

Now, if someone could just tell me two things:

1) What is Matt Lauer doing in the photo?

2) Why does the recipient have a stuffed dog?  Is that the next item to be yanked out of someone’s babymaker?  Is Doug Henning the chief of the O.R.?

Jimmy Smits is a man of the people

This grainy, tiny cameraphone is hardly conclusive proof, so you’ll just have to believe me that when the missus, the cupcake & I went to the supermarket last night we ran into Jimmy Smits, who apparently goes shopping on his own, just like regular people. He’s a lonesome populist.

Lest there be any doubt that it was him, I will point out that 1) The missus identified him, and she’s damn near flawless at that skill, and 2) He said “yes” when I asked him “hey, are you Jimmy Smits?”

Later, as he walked by my daughter when she got tired of sitting in the shopping cart in the same aisle for too long, she said very loudly, “Come on daddy, Andale, Andale!”. I only wish I was joking.

The missus later confirmed that he shops there all the time, so maybe next time he sees her & the cupcake, he’ll remember, hey, there’s that woman whose daughter talks like Speedy Gonzales.

My Daughter, the Racial Stereotype

First, let me state that I’m not going to write about the LBC on EVERY post, this just happened to be top of mind.  So, some people ask me what the secret to my amazing level of inappropriate behavior is, and I think in a nutshell, it’s that I never stop to evaluate my actions as a whole.  When you look at any one incident, you can explain it away as a joke or drunken antic.  But last night, as my daughter was singing the Frito Bandito song to herself, it occurred to me the number of things that I’ve done with her that play upon her racial heritage in a less than flattering light.

1. Took a photo of her, photoshopped a bandito mustache on it, and entitled it “Bandito Baby!”
2. Taught her the Frito Bandito song by showing her the 1960’s commercial repeatedly.
3. Played a few Speedy Gonzales cartoons in the hopes that she would start to yell “Eepaa!  Arriba, Andele, andele!” when she races around the house.  This totally worked, by the way.

Hmm, taken as a group, it might appear that I have some issues to work through.  By the way, it was in performing the last action that I discovered an amusing bit of trivia – in addition to being wildly insensitive, the Speedy Gonzales cartoons were a little subversive.  When Speedy’s cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez shows up all slow-talking & mysteriously hungry, 2:18 seconds into the cartoon, he sings openly about his sadness that he has no more marijuana to smoke.  “la cucaracha, la cucaracha, ya no puede caminar porque no tiene, porque le falta marijuana que fumar.“  I guess not enough people spoke Spanish in the 1950s when the cartoon was released?  Or everyone knew, and they just assumed all hispanic charicatures loved pot.

Projecting into the Future

Five years ago, if you would have shown me a vision of how I would spend the evening of January 28th, 2009, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have believed it.  There’s a children’s book called Fancy Nancy, about a girl who likes things that are fancy, and who fancies up her otherwise non-fancy parents & siblings.  Last night when I called the missus to tell her I was on the way home, the cupcake answered and said “Daddy, do you want to be fancy with us?” which is a quote from the book, which I’ve read her a couple hundred times.

Of course, there’s only one answer to that question, so when I walked through the door I was swaddled in fancifying robes & vestiments until I was somewhere between mid-70s era Elton John & early 1990’s Stevie Nicks on the fancification scale.

It got me thinking that if a videotape of the evening had been shown to my 2004 self, it would be the most unlikely development I could imagine, and by comparison, you could today show me a video of me in the year 2014 living in Iowa, fighting crime for a living with my robotic dog sidekick and I’d have to admit it was possible.

It’s an amazing world when you think about it.

Awesome Things: A Roundup

1. This concept art for World War Z’s famous “Battle of Yonkers” scene
2. This bulletproof child’s school backpack.  Seriously?
3. This breakdown of the relative merits of the Slanket vs the (much cheaper) Snuggie, which led me to this website:
4. For the Nuddle (“the new way to Nap & Cuddle!”)
5. Compiling a list of links instead of actually “writing.”

Galcos!

One of my favorite quirky things in L.A. is Galco’s Soda Pop Stop, a South Pasadena store with hundreds of brands of obscure soda in row after row. It’s the setting for this Greg Laswell (L.A. hipster) music video that also features a hobbit for no clear reason.

Youth In Revolt

One of my favorite humourous novels is CD Payne’s Youth In Revolt; It’s not hugely popular, I’d never heard of it prior to my friend Mike lending me a copy a few years back.  In searching Flickr for the phrase “movie sets” just to see what images show up (man my life is exciting!) I ran across a set for Youth, which I just found out is being made into a movie to be released this year.   A little concerned that Michael Cera is playing the lead, who is 14 in the novel. Hopefully will be as funny as the book, which is absolutely hilarious.

So, that means that in 2009 I’ve got Watchmen, Harry Potter, Where the Wild Things Are & Youth in Revolt to look forward to, followed by the movie event of the century in 2010, World War Z.  Although both Watchmen & WWZ would be greatly enhanced by being multi-part HBO miniserieses, a la John Adams, instead of 2.5 hour long movies.

Man, I’ve got to develop some highbrow tastes, my love of cartoon culture is really clashing with my self-image as an erudite scholar of the arts.