Divorce Via YouTube - Exhibit A

Dora the Explorer’s best friend is Boots the Monkey. Her nemesis is Swiper, the Sneaky Fox. By the time you finish watching this video I will be living in a box by the L.A. River.

 

Ronald Long Is Bad At Construction, Alibis

When I bought my home, the phone company had installed DSL in one room only, and wanted to charge a bunch to run the line to the room next door where my computer was.  Being stubborn & cheap, I figured I’d punch a hole between the two rooms and run the line myself.  Long story short, I didn’t realize that the wall between them used to be an external wall & I ended up getting an 18″ forearm sized drill bit & a bunch more damage was done than just the dainty, phone jack sized hole I’d originally envisioned.

The point is, like a lot of idiots, I tend to use the biggest tool for the job rather than the best.  But never once in my hole creating process did it occur to me to get a gun.  And I guess that’s where I’m old fashioned.  Ronald Long of Sedalia, Mo. was faced with the need to punch a hole in his living room wall to get the coax line from his new satellite dish inside.    So, standing in the living room, facing the outdoors, he fired two shots through the wall, fatally injuring his 34 year old wife Patsy, who was standing outside.

I know there’s nothing inherently funny in personal tragedy, and I don’t post this item for comic effect, but rather as a constant reminder for why I don’t have a gun.  I feel sorry for this man, and I feel shame for his stupidity, but more than anything, I feel empathy.  The number of times I’ve gotten frustrated trying to do crap around the house & ended up causing a ton of damage in my short temper makes me realize that at some point, using a gun to solve one of the various problems would have occurred to me.

A lot of times in life, the difference between success & failure, or happiness & tragedy, etc, doesn’t come down to the final bad decision (do I use a gun for this?  do I sleep with this woman with no condom? do I run this red light?) but rather the decision several steps earlier that eliminates the need for the later choice.

INTRIGUING UPDATE: Fiendish commenter Chuck suggests that Long was potentially deliberately trying to kill his wife, in which case this is the least likely alibi I’ve ever heard.  Also, note to Missus Chuck: see how your husband thinks.

Do You Want Two CD’s?

One of the better “single serving sites” that is sadly no longer around was called “Do You Want Two CD’s” (I forget the exact URL) and when you went there, it asked only if you wanted two CDs.  Yes was the only clickable option, which would load a picture of some dude’s nutsack and the screaming headline “DO YOU WANT TO SEE DEEZ NUTS!!!!”

I mention this only because a heavy set gigantically boobed acquaintance has for the past year or two been wearing super low cut tops, exposing at least 40% of the total surface area of her breasts, and when a friend and I were discussing it, we decided the appropriate response was to walk around with our flies unzipped, and roughly 40% of our scrotums pulled through the barn doors. We termed this ballsack cleavage to be called Bleavage.

I talk a good game, but there’s no way I’m courageous enough to pull this off.  But I can honestly say I’d pay about $100 for good quality video of some guy striking up a conversation with the boobie flaunter while standing there exposing his Bleavage until someone said something about it.*

* Important Jonson Trivia Fact: I can’t STAND awkward situations in TV or Movies.  But I LOVE them in real life.

The Plan Comes to Fruition

Step 1. Have adorable baby
Step 2. Teach baby to make pancakes
Step 3. Enjoy lifetime of delicious pancakes

This is not how Bacon is made

Jarvis Products Bung Dropper in Action

No We Can’t

GET OUT AND VOTE

Overheard in my living room

Me: Carl Karcher just died this week?

The Missus: Yeah.  Didn’t you know that?

Me: Wow… then who’s grave have I been pissing on all these years?

I’m gonna fuck this blog like it stole something*

If it’s true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder, then avert your eyes ’cause I am about to make sweet, sweet love to the jonsonblog “New Post” button.

Yeah baby, you know how I like it, you little wordpress hussy, with your permalinks & tagging system.  Are you flirting with me?  Because the time for flirting is over, it’s time to knock one out right here on the desktop.  Oh… Oh God… whoa…  Sorry.  THAT’S never happened before, I promise you.  No, I swear, normally I can get my underwear all the way off before I come.  I think I was just a little overexcited because it had been so long and you look so good tonight baby. 

Tell you what, my recharge time isn’t what it once was back in the day, when the jonsonblog was new & getting more frequent (and saucier) updates.  I’m older, I’ve had a kid, things are slowing down for me.  But if you give me like three hours and spend the whole time talking increasingly dirtier, I’m pretty sure I’ll be good to go again.  I’m gonna just lie here & have a little nap… so sleepy… sooooo sleeeepy… zzzzzzzzzzzz.

*The title of this post lifted from an old friend, who once said of his girlfriend, as she returned from vacation “I’m gonna fuck her like she stole something!,” a phrase which has stuck with me over the years.

Revisiting Some Theories

When I first started out in business, I wasn’t the titan of industry I am now.  But there were inklings of my genius, even in the formative stages.  I would come to my bosses with various productivity enhancing theories, none of which were ever enacted but I think they helped distinguish my capacity for outside the box thinking.  Looking back on it, from my lofty perch, it may be time to better understand the nuggets of wisdom that I had wrapped in my nougat of youthful optimism.

Idea #1: Too many office supplies.  This idea was prompted by the game of musical chairs.  Early on in business I realized that not every desk needed a stapler & tape, etc.  But how do you know which desks need the office supplies, and which desks merely want them there for the appearance of doing work?  The solution?  Let the market sort itself out.  Randomly distribute office supplies to 80% of the desks.  Those who really genuinely need to staple will go steal the staplers from their neighbors.  Those who don’t want their tape stolen will hide it where only they can find.  Eventually, everyone has what they need & the office supply budget goes down by 20%, of which 10% goes to me as a commission on the idea.

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? Yes.  I can’t understand why this isn’t a common practice in every office in America today.

Idea #2: Public rumor mill.  Nothing is more typical of corporate America than having to hear about stuff through the grapevine, like “hey, Gloria just quit” or “I think Sally & Jeff are sleeping together.”  What this situation needs is a publicly accessible gossip board (like on an extranet or something), with anonymous posting, so that people could more quickly & efficiently keep up on who is quitting/fondling/suing whom within the company. 

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? Yes, although the one refinement I’ve come up with in the years since I first thought of this idea is to add the concept of “blind items” a la gossip pages that are afraid of getting sued.  So the posts would read like “which Chief Executive Officer of a local firm was recently seen walking around the restroom with his pants completely off?” and “rumor has it a certain up & coming star of the art department may have purchased her fantastic (and newly gigantic) boobs over the Christmas break.”

Idea #3: Employee popularity meter.  This one is essentially like Digg.com, only account membership is restricted to employees (one account per employee) and instead of voting on submitted stories, you just vote on your coworkers.  Bonuses at the end of the year are awarded accordingly.  This system financially rewards the more likable and helpful employees, punishing the meaner more callous employees.

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? I’m not so sure.  When I was young, likable & helpful, this idea sure seemed like GENIUS.  But now that I’m older, meaner & more callous, I’m kinda glad management had the foresight to kill this baby in utero.

So, there you have it.  A 66% GENIUS rating.  My work here is done.  Ta-Da!!