The surgery left no stitches. The way mucous membranes work, I guess, is you just carve shit off them and what’s left heals up, which is gnarly and horrifying. The entire back of my throat is exposed scar tissue. Anyway, the point is, I didn’t feel like brushing my teeth after I woke up from surgery. Or the next day. By day three I started to feel like a disgusting monster, like I could feel tartar just forming yellow plaque deposits on all my teeth, so I tried to brush my teeth, only to find out:
You can’t open your mouth wide enough for a toothbrush to reach the back teeth if the membrane near the back of your mouth is freshly wounded scar tissue.
Also, and this is the best part: I turned the toothbrush sideways to fit it through my mouth more easily (like Han Solo does when he’s flying the falcon out of the space worm’s mouth in Ep V!) and it slid in a little TOO easily and I poked myself in the exposed soft tissue of the remnants of my throat because I am a monster who does not deserve love.