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Conundrums

February 24, 2006

When I was in my early twenties, the question occurred to me of whether I’d rather lose my tongue or my nose.  I was intrigued by the question, and put it to many friends & co-workers to gauge their reactions.  At heart, it’s just a judgement of your vanity vs your practicality.  Your nose, frankly, serves little functional purpose other than to enhance your sense of taste.  And losing a nose would save you from several unpleasant smells on a daily basis.  Losing your tongue, on the other hand, would have a huge impact.  No speaking, ever again.  No presenting in meetings, no chatting up potential mates at the bar, no joking around with your friends, just silence, or worse yet, awkward malformed grunting.  When I first came up with the question, I decided I would rather lose my tongue.  At a glance, I would be like anyone else, not like the freakish Voldemort looking freaks with no noses & snake like slit where their nostrils used to be.  Almost everyone else chose to hold on to their tongue.  Now, at 34, I realize the long term impracticality of choosing looks over a basic human form of communication, but I still wonder if more young people would choose to retain nose over tongue, and if so, at what age does the inflexion point occur, where the majority of people suddenly realize the value of speech over looking like everyone else.

In my mid to late twenties the question that plagued me was whether it was preferrable to have your long term significant other (spouse or otherwise) leave you for someone of the same gender as you, or for the opposite gender.  This question was provoked by a succession of co-workers suddenly catching gay and leaving their wives & children for people of the same gender as them.  If you’re the person that’s being left, I used to believe I’d want my spouse to choose someone of the same gender as her, because then it’s like, “ah, I see.  the fault wasn’t with me at all, she just wanted to have sex with women, and since I’m not a woman, I wasn’t in the running.”  Whereas, if my wife leaves me for another man, I’m plagued with self-doubt.  What is it about me that isn’t manly enough for her?  Was I not tall enough?  Was I bad in bed?  Did she want someone with a better body?  etc…  I’ve found that this line of reasoning tends to hold true with men, but it’s hardly a scientific study, since the men get distracted by the thought of their wives having sex with another woman and then tend not to put enough diligent thought into the question.  Women, on the other hand, tend to disagree.  The rationale I heard the most was that when their husbands left them for another man, they would view the entire relationship as a lie, as though the man had never truly loved them.  There’s probably a deep sociological lesson to be learned here, but in a nutshell, it boils down to women being more emotional and trust oriented, and men more sexually driven, in my opinion.

Now, at 34, the question that has been on my mind for the past few years is a less philosophical one, but still just as personally revealing.  Let’s say you’re a man, and you were going to have sex with a woman whom you had formed a simple connection with over shared interests, etc, but that this was going to be a one night stand.  For the purposes of the hypothetical situation, let’s say you were on vacation in the Bahamas, and you were returning home the next morning, never to see each other again.  Now, let’s branch out.  One of the two situations is possible; which one is preferrable is the question.  In situation one, the woman is missing a key limb.  Either the left or right arm, or possibly the left or right leg.  She remains in every other way perfectly compatible, funny, sexy, interesting, etc.  Just no leg.  Or arm.  One major limb missing.  Now, the second situation is exactly the same, same woman, same interest level, same attractiveness, etc, EXCEPT this woman is missing both legs & both arms.  Which woman do you have sex with?  The three limbed woman, or the no limbed woman.  It seems like a very simple choice to me: the no limbed woman.  If you’re going to be a bear, why not be a grizzly?  Will you really look back on the people you slept with at the end of your hopefully long & fulfilling life & remember that all of them had the same number of limbs?  No, you’d remember the ones that stuck out, right?  And what would stick out more than a gorgeous torso with no arms and legs.  The number of people who have slept with someone with three limbs is probably pretty high, whereas the number of torso fuckers has to be a pretty elite group, like the Blue Angels or something.  I dunno, I guess all I’m saying is, if you have no arms & no legs, keep your chin up, there’s someone out there for you.

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One comment

  1. […] like more than three topics of discussion will be pushing it), I want to see where Barack stands on my favorite conundrum, namely whether you’d rather have sex with a person missing an arm or leg or what have you, […]



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