Screw you, HGTV!!!

May 1, 2006

So, April 29th came & went, and I did not win a two million dollar dream house in the hills above Asheville, North Carolina, despite being the most sincere & deserving candidate.  To add insult to injury, I watched the horrendous giveaway special on HGTV, where they informed me that something like 20 other entrants would be winning huge cash prizes during the show.  Every few minutes they'd just stop the show and the host would read a few names, like "Hey, Mary Smith of Ohio – you just won $10,000!" or "Hey, Sally Jeroldson of Indiana, you just won $50,000". They started at small amounts, giving 10K away to like 10 people, but worked their way up to give away a cash prize of $100K to the final runner up.  The show sucked, but it did teach me a few things.

Thing One: Never enter contests like this unless you want to be raped by a bear.  Follow my logic here: there were 53 million entrants, according to the show, which works out to one in every six people in America.  Probably more than that, when you discount people too young to enter, morons who can't write, people with no hands, etc.  Now, in order to come in first, you'd have to be one in fifty three million, which is pretty dang special, or (assuming my math is correct) one of the six most special/lucky people in America.  So I did some checking over on the Bureau of Ursine Sexual Assault website and it turns out that in 2005 (the last full year for which statistics have been compiled) six hunters filed claims for having been sodomized by grizzlies while out in the woods.  So if you start thinking you're one of the six most special/lucky people in America, then it only stands to reason you could just as easily be one of the six most special/unlucky people in America, and at this stage in my life, I am not interested in being raped by a bear.  Gentle, Ben! You gotta romance me a little first.

Thing the second: I might be a chick.  Almost every cash prize runner up person was a chick, and they claimed to choose randomly, which makes me think that almost every person who entered this contest was a chick.  Since it costs nothing to enter, and you can do it online, and it's a two million dollar prize, I figure everyone who heard about the contest entered, which makes me think that the only people who heard about the contest were chicks, which means that no guys watch HGTV despite their many awesome shows about how to decorate your house in a manner that makes it look more attractive for when you are having guests over.

Thing the third: The people at HGTV have a delightful sense of irony.  They gave the four story hilltop retreat and the fully loaded GMC Yukon to a septegenarian quadripelgic who will not be able to enjoy his (non-cripple friendly) house at all, even if he was gonna live long enough to do so, which he won't.  So, I'm not sure what else they could have done to further tantalize this poor numb-from-the-waist-down bastard; the special kept showing things like the stairmaster exercise room on the first floor, and the special guest nook on the third floor, and the bunk bed room for young children, and just really, enough already.  I expected them to open a device in the kitchen that seductively rubbed the owners unfeeling nutsack just for the extra pathos.

So, to recap, screw you Home & Garden Television, I will never watch your House Hunting shows again!!!!

One comment

  1. you are crazy. pure glittering crazy.

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