Whitey Detection System

July 24, 2006

So, I ordered a “Whitey Will Pay” t-shirt from the hypocritally pro-capitalism folks over at Unamerican, as part of my ongoing disguise for when the revolution comes (phase one: “man of the people” bumper sticker, phase two: anti-whitey clothing, phase three: rainbow afro wig?).  Unfortunately, they may be employing some advanced, “whitey-detector” on their e-commerce system, as it’s been several weeks, and I’ve yet to receive the shirt.  Worse yet, my helpful emails to their (suspiciously non-responsive) helpbot email have disappeared, unanswered, into the e-ther, as it were.  I even tried cajoling (“surely you realize the urgency, as whitey’s debt to society isn’t getting any smaller…”), but nothing.  I fear I shall have to employ subterfuge, perhaps wait until my half-breed daughter starts looking more ethnic, and get her to order for me. I just hope she darkens up before the revolution comes.  Mas frijoles, Emerson!  Papa needs his hipster t-shirt!!

Hey, speaking of the Man of the People bumper sticker, I’m in a bit of conundrum.  My passion for low speed mayhem has left me with the need to replace my entire rear bumper (apparently you can’t just “hammer-out” massive dents in plastic.  Silly me.), and along with it, the one of a kind M.O.T.P. bumper sticker.  I’d order another, but 1) I can’t remember where I got it from, and 2) I’m not sure replacing it with the same sticker is the right way to go.  I’ll have to come up with a new phrase, something that appropriately reflects my egalitarian, populist approach to life while still subtly making it clear what side of the line I belong on when the class warfare breaks out.  But I need to replace the bumper, because I got these awesome new stickers from the Gov’t the other day that let me drive in the carpool/HOV lane without anyone else in the car, and let me park at parking meters for free, anywhere in California, only I can’t put the stickers on, since I’m going to have the bumper replaced.  So it’s a bit of a Mexican standoff – gov’t stickers need to go on, but can’t until the bumper’s replaced, bumper can’t be replaced until I think of something suitably clever for the replacement bumper, and so on…


  1. I believe you probably got the sticker from make stickers dot com. (I intentionally typed it that way so the fine folks at wordpress wouldn’t think this was spam and block it.)

    Bring back MOTP!!!!

  2. No need to deal with a temporay bumper sticker. Go with a diamond-shaped, yellow and black B.O.T.P.O.B window sticker to coordinate with the T-shirt.

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