Ketchup of the PeopleAugust 23, 2006
Man, my love of ordering personalized printed crap online just may be the single dorkiest thing about me, and I can tell you why leaving the Scouring of the Shire chapter out of the Peter Jackson version of the Return of the King totally undermined Tolkien’s original message of the Ring trilogy, so believe me when I tell you that calling something “the dorkiest thing about me” is a bold statement.
So it was with mixed feelings that I found out that the good folks @ Heinz will allow me to custom order my own ketchup labels. On the one hand, I do love ordering custom printed crap. So much so, that there is at this moment in my garage a five year old crate of Jones Soda (root beer, to be precise) with a photo of my pug Oscar wearing my wife’s bridal veil on the label of each bottle. But on the other hand, for me the whole point of custom printed crap is the sharing of that crap with others.
I believe in my heart that when my co-workers see a post-it from me on their monitors that has, pre-printed on it, “Jonathan Rouse is probably smarter than you“, they are simultaneously annoyed by my sticky yellow hubris and ashamed that they have no post-it based comeback of their own to disprove the statement.
What’s the point of having something unique & special if no one’s gonna see it but people who live in this house? I mean, of those people, the baby & the pugs can’t read, and the missus is thoroughly unimpressed with my custom printed awesomeness, so it would really just be for my own benefit every time I grabbed the ketchup and saw my tiny bon mot, my tomato themed haiku. And I already know how clever I am. Of all the people in the world who need to know how clever I am, I’m about six billionth on that list, believe me.