Motherfucking Kindergarten

October 16, 2006

I swear a lot.  All the time; conversationally, in writing, hell, I probably swear in my sleep.  It’s like tourette’s.  I’m not sure if I could stop if I tried, which is going to make teaching my daughter to speak… interesting.  I’m pretty much resigned to her just learning a ton of bad words and telling them immediately to every three year old (and their parents) she meets.  Should make for some awesome conversations at the park, or day care, or while waiting in line at the supermarket, not to mention a series of weird “double standards” conversations between me & her later at home.  “Now Emerson, I know Timmy pulled on your pigtails, but that’s no reason to tell the whole class that you hope Timmy chokes on a bucket of cocks.”

Thinking about raising my daughter usually leads to me thinking about my own upbringing, but I can’t for the life of me remember learning swear words.  I remember learning about the birds & bees, and I remember hearing a couple dirty jokes that I didn’t get, but I don’t really remember learning a bad word.  When I was in first grade, I had dinner over at the next door neighbor’s house, and their daughter (a year older than me, and really sophisticated) warned me that they’d be serving Eggplant, which she claimed “tasted like shit”.  I knew at the time what the word meant, & I’ve hated eggplant ever since, but I’m not sure when I learned the word in the first place.   I knew it was a bad word, but I can’t remember ever having a “we don’t use that word in public” conversation with my folks.  Hey – maybe they never had that conversation with me, and that’s why I swear so often.

I’ll blame my parents when Emerson’s teacher calls me to pick her up from pre-school detention.



  1. My language is vulgar beyond all reason. My parents didn’t curse all the time, my my dad was in construction (and the Navy when he was younger), so he came up with some doozies.

    My wife is constantly bitching at me about cleaning up my language in front of the kids. About the only thing I haven’t said in front of them is that tasty little word that rhymes with “hunt”.

    So, I’m shocked and please that not have my kids never said a curse word (even as babies the closest was when my son said “firefuck” instead of “firetruck” when he first learned to talk), they get on to me when I do. Usually by smacking me in the head when I drive.

    Then I yell at them to keep their mother fucking hands off my mother fucking head or I’ll beat the shit out of them.

  2. Jesus Christ, I’m typing like an uneducated Mongol. Sorry for the typos.

  3. The educated Mongols are the ones who escaped to the West and opened a series of BBQ joints.

  4. We try to be very conscious of the language we use. My wife dropped something in the laundry room the other day and exclaimed, “Crap”. In that one instance, my son now exclaims, “Frwap” when he drops something.

    What’s worse, is my wife being 8.9 months pregant tends to nag at me lately. ANd although I can’t really understand him, I swear my 2 year old too is nagging at me about something!

    Should I tell him to go “Fuck himself” like I tell her?

  5. I’d like to say I never swear, but . . .
    When Laura was around three, we were watching TV and she wanted me to change the channel. She said, “Mommy, where’s the Damn Clicker?” She wasn’t adding in a curse word; she simply thought that was what the remote control was called.

  6. Living in Brooklyn, I suppose one should expect this, but….

    Two days ago, I’m standing in line at the grocery store and the woman behind me is speaking to her boyfriend on her Nextel…at the top of her lungs. The conversation consisted of “You fucked him”. “But you fucked her”. “Fuck you”. You get the drift.

    A woman further back in the line said “Hey, my kid is standing here, could you tone it down a little?” Response was, “This is a fucking private conversation, so shut the fuck up, bitch”.

  7. Wow. Seriously, Nathan? Sometimes I think it’s a good thing I don’t own a taser. If I had been in that same situation (even as a completely uninvolved bystander), I’m pretty sure someone woulda been tasered.

    And Cheri, that’s pretty funny, but it’s hard to believe Laura wouldn’t already know pretty much every swear word invented back from the years when Mike Martz was the coach of the Rams.*

    *if you don’t get that joke, check with Tom.

  8. Dude~
    I get the joke all on my own, thank you very much and God help me.

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