I think I ate this guy’s come onceOctober 17, 2006
A blogger I enjoy & respect, Andre Torrez, famously (well, “internet famously”) blogged a story about masturbating into a cup, forgetting what was in the cup and drinking out of it later, only to break down sobbing at the depths he had sunk to. It’s just about the best blog entry I ever read; or at least the best one that wasn’t written by Natalie Dee. I always wondered if I’d have the balls to be so brazenly confessional. And while it turns out I don’t, not by a long shot, thinking about Andre’s entry reminded me of an old story I thought I’d write down.
So, several years ago I went to lunch with some friends from work, and we all went to a local deli (it’s called Bay Cities Deli, and if you’re ever in Santa Monica you should probably not go there for reasons that will become evident). It’s always very slow at this place, and today was taking exceptionally long. When I badgered my poor sandwich making dude about why it was taking so long, his only response was to take my sandwich back into the kitchen. He wasn’t subtle about it, and he didn’t try to hide what he was doing in any way. I mean, it was crowded at the sandwich manufacturing counter, but they ALWAYS make the sandwiches in front of us. Regardless, my friends and I spent the whole time joking about how the guy was probably spitting in my sandwich, or rubbing his junk on the bread or something. But the reality was so much worse. When the counterman finally emerged he handed the fully paper wrapped sandwich to me, looked me knowingly in the eye and said “sorry for the wait – a lot of love went into that sandwich.” For years now, my friends and I have used that phrase as shorthand for “I just masturbated into your lunch while you weren’t looking.” You’d probably be surprised how often that phrase comes up in our daily conversation.
As for the sandwich, yeah, I still ate it. Because while there was a 70% chance it had some dude’s extract of cojones, there was a 100% chance that I was hungry.