I think I ate this guy’s come once

October 17, 2006

A blogger I enjoy & respect, Andre Torrez, famously (well, “internet famously”) blogged a story about masturbating into a cup, forgetting what was in the cup and drinking out of it later, only to break down sobbing at the depths he had sunk to.  It’s just about the best blog entry I ever read; or at least the best one that wasn’t written by Natalie Dee.  I always wondered if I’d have the balls to be so brazenly confessional.  And while it turns out I don’t, not by a long shot, thinking about Andre’s entry reminded me of an old story I thought I’d write down. 

So, several years ago I went to lunch with some friends from work, and we all went to a local deli (it’s called Bay Cities Deli, and if you’re ever in Santa Monica you should probably not go there for reasons that will become evident).  It’s always very slow at this place, and today was taking exceptionally long.  When I badgered my poor sandwich making dude about why it was taking so long, his only response was to take my sandwich back into the kitchen.  He wasn’t subtle about it, and he didn’t try to hide what he was doing in any way.  I mean, it was crowded at the sandwich manufacturing counter, but they ALWAYS make the sandwiches in front of us.  Regardless, my friends and I spent the whole time joking about how the guy was probably spitting in my sandwich, or rubbing his junk on the bread or something.  But the reality was so much worse.  When the counterman finally emerged he handed the fully paper wrapped sandwich to me, looked me knowingly in the eye and said “sorry for the wait – a lot of love went into that sandwich.”  For years now, my friends and I have used that phrase as shorthand for “I just masturbated into your lunch while you weren’t looking.”  You’d probably be surprised how often that phrase comes up in our daily conversation.

As for the sandwich, yeah, I still ate it.  Because while there was a 70% chance it had some dude’s extract of cojones, there was a 100% chance that I was hungry.


  1. WTF! Why not just open up the sandwhich and see if there was special sauce!?!? OR were you secretly interested in seeing what flavor it might add?

  2. I actually did visually inspect it – I don’t want to get clinical about it, but the sandwich came with mayonaise on it already, so it might have been there or not, it was hard to tell.

  3. well played!! you have given new meaning to ‘desperate times call for desperate measures.’ btw- i believe the correct spelling is ‘cum’…

  4. Did it smell like bleach?

  5. Aimee – that’s how porn stars spell it. I’m classy.

  6. It’s so funny you should write about this today – I was just thinking of reminding you about that in case you needed blog ammo. And yes, I can vouch for our Man of the People’s Cojones Extract. I was there. After witnessing it, there was a 0% chance that I was hungry. I still ate mine though. It is friggin’ Bay Cities after all. We’re talking about the greatest mutha fuckin’ sandwiches on the planet!

  7. Yeah, I haven’t been back since.

  8. Cum, cum now. You need to go back. It’s too good not to. Grab hold of your “mayo” fears and give them a good choking.

    Speaking of the cum/come debate, in schools they have what is known as the cumulative file. (I’m a teacher by the way.) Teachers always refer to them as the “cume” file, but when it’s written out they spell it cum. I’ve been to afraid of getting accused of sexual harrassment to bring up the negative connotation and always write cume in written communications. It’s just too damn gross and creepy to write ‘Please pull Jimmy’s cum out of the file cabinet.’

  9. GROSS! Did you kiss your wife after eating that sandwich?

  10. Dear Missus,
    He’s so lucky to have you. I’ll remind him of that every day for you if you want.

  11. Oh, you caught me vanity searching. But I used to LOVE Bay Cities. But yeah, they’d make the sandwiches in front of us, I never did see one get made out of view.

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