Archive for November, 2006


links for 2006-11-29

November 29, 2006

Happy Birthday to ME!!

November 27, 2006

Monday’s the 27th, birthday of notable awesome people such as Jimi Hendrix, Bruce Lee & yours truly.  And while I can’t play guitar or kick ass better than Hendrix & Lee, I certainly beat them when it comes to being alive, so once again, advantage Jonson.  Thank God for the imdb’s famous births & deaths feature, btw.  For years I thought the most famous person I shared a birthday with was the drummer from Anthrax. 

I just used that feature now, while composing this post, to look up famous shared birthdays for the LBC, who turns one year old next month on the 17th.  Sadly, the most famous people she shares a birthday with seem to be Phoebe’s retarded brother on Friends and the black Ghostbuster.  I think Bruce Lee & Jimi Hendrix are about the coolest one-two punch you could have, other than like “Marlon Brando & James Dean” or “Elvis & Thai Elvis*”, but none of those work, since none of the couples in each pair share the same birthday.  So that settles it, Lee/Hendrix/Jonson for the win.

In related news, I’m 35 years old, which is not bad at all considering how little effort I expended getting here.  Billions of people worldwide struggle every day just to get by, and here I am just aging seemingly automatically. It’s almost as if I couldn’t stop if I tried.  Hell, according to this chart I just Googled, in Zambia the average life expectancy  is only 37.2, and I’m on track to beat that in just over two years.  Think about that, an entire nation & I’m totally going to beat them.  I will send Zambia a consolation note when I turn 37.3, but I’m not sure anyone there will be able to read it, partly because they seem to spend their days carving out a hardscrabble existence and have no time for note reading, but also partly because I believe everyone there speaks in a series of guttural clicks, which I don’t know how to spell phonetically.

*Thai Elvis is, not surprisingly, a Thai Elvis impersonator in Los Angeles.


links for 2006-11-26

November 26, 2006

They made me an offer I should have refused

November 24, 2006

Trapped in the JFK Airport bookstore last week I walked past “The Godfather Returns” at least 18 times before I finally caved in and purchased it.  For those unfamiliar, Mario Puzo wrote the book (and screenplays) for The Godfather.  It’s not necessarily a great book, but it’s a pretty great read, if that makes sense.  And it has a very clear sense of tone & style.  When Puzo died, the publishers apparently decided to flip a coin between digging up his corpse & raping it in the middle of Mulberry Street in Little Italy, or hiring some talentless hack and giving that person the rights to “carry on” the Corleone legacy in print.  While both were equally disrespectful of the man & his work, the latter was probably more profitable, so that’s the direction they went.

The thing is, I knew it would suck.  I would have bet money on that fact, and that I’d cringe with every word, etc.  But I bought it anyway, and now 150 pages in I can’t stop, for some reason, even though I hate it so.  For that reason alone, it earns a spot on the list.  I only wish I’d had the discipline to be able to stop myself.  It’s as though the book was this picture of two gay nazis blowing each other, and someone said “hey, don’t click on that link, it goes to a picture of two gay nazis blowing each other” and yet I clicked on the link anyway; no matter how dismayed I would be, I’d really only have myself to blame.


links for 2006-11-24

November 24, 2006

Walt Disney Concert Hall

November 22, 2006

I went to a concert here over the weekend – if you spin around in that panoramic image, the seats between the organ & the stage were where the missus & I sat.  Randy Newman was the act, who I’ve seen a few times before, but he’s always good for a show.  One of my favorite songwriters ever, and criminally overlooked.  There’s both karmic justice and rich irony in the fact that he’s a ridiculously wealthy musician, but only for his frivolous children’s songs from Pixar movies, etc. 

All during the show I kept thinking “this one, this is my favorite” right until the next song began, but in thinking it through after the fact, my clear favorite is the song Sail Away.  Written from the point of view of a 17th centry slave trader trying to sell the captured Africans on the benefits of slavery, it’s just about the perfect mix of lovely song & horrible subject matter.

In America you’ll get food to eat
Won’t have to run through the jungle
And scuff up your feet
You’ll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day
It’s great to be an American

Ain’t no lions or tigers-ain’t no mamba snake
Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake
Everybody is as happy as a man can be
Climb aboard, little wog-sail away with me

Sail away-sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Sail away-sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay

In America every man is free
To take care of his home and his family
You’ll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree
You’re all gonna be an American


The TSA can fuck a monkey

November 16, 2006

So, I’m back in NYC, and I don’t have any toothpaste, thanks to our benevolent guardians at the TSA.  I came here without any, since I knew they would confiscate it at the airport, but I didn’t think through the 2nd part of my plan.  It’s five AM New York time, and my teeth are dirty with the combined plaque causing power of hours of hard work at several local bars.  Fortunately, I’m staying at the W Hotel, which features a concierge line called “Whatever, Whenever”.  I put them to the test with toothpaste @ 5:00 AM, but they met that challenge without blinking.  Now I’m wishing I had called and asked them to bring up a monkey for me to have sex with.  I mean, you can’t go calling yourself the “Whatever, Whenever” line and not be prepared to provide me some monkey loving for my business travel.  And none of that gorilla shit, either, my ass is still sore from the last trip.


Have You Seen This Man’s Sense of Humor?

November 12, 2006

Seriously, somewhere like three weeks ago I caught a deadly case of not-funny from someone, almost like I was bit by a zombie version of Carrot Top, and ever since then I’m running at about 23 to 26% of my normal humor generating capacity.  As with all problems in my life, I immediately started casting about for someone to blame, but so far none of the accusations have stuck (I accused one of my employers of crushing my delicate humor bone with their relentless demands, but we all knew I was just looking for a scapegoat).  The truth of the matter is, I may be going through a prolonged block of notfunny, and it’s impacting every aspect of my life. 

For example, the other day I ran across this website, which sells structurally reinforced toilets for the morbidly obese, and even goes so far as to show a looping animation demonstrating ass-coverage areas on a regular seat vs one of their super-sized seats.  Ordinarily the space of time between me finding this site & writing about it here would be between 7 and 12 seconds, but I just filed it away for several days, unable to come up with a single amusing thing to say about needing to buy structurally reinforced pooping devices.

The real killer is that the annual Christmas card is weeks away, and it’s pretty much nothing but jokes.  I may just send out a blank one, or worse yet, something saccharine & appalling with a photo of the baby being cute on the front.  Dang ol’ baby, always being cute.  Maybe SHE is to blame for my sudden bout of humorlessness. 

At the heart of it all is the crippling fear that without being funny, there’s not much to me.  I mean, I may be interesting, or clever, or whatever else, but those attributes usually manifest themselves in a joke.  Lately, I keep stroking my sense of humor furiously, but it just hangs there limply in my hands, awaiting some comedy Viagra.  The irony of it all is that I probably gained some other attribute when I lost my sense of humor, like maybe I can finally throw a ball really accurately or remember things that happened more than 48 hours ago, but I’ll never know since I don’t have any call to test those skills.


links for 2006-11-07

November 7, 2006

links for 2006-11-06

November 6, 2006