The TSA can fuck a monkey

November 16, 2006

So, I’m back in NYC, and I don’t have any toothpaste, thanks to our benevolent guardians at the TSA.  I came here without any, since I knew they would confiscate it at the airport, but I didn’t think through the 2nd part of my plan.  It’s five AM New York time, and my teeth are dirty with the combined plaque causing power of hours of hard work at several local bars.  Fortunately, I’m staying at the W Hotel, which features a concierge line called “Whatever, Whenever”.  I put them to the test with toothpaste @ 5:00 AM, but they met that challenge without blinking.  Now I’m wishing I had called and asked them to bring up a monkey for me to have sex with.  I mean, you can’t go calling yourself the “Whatever, Whenever” line and not be prepared to provide me some monkey loving for my business travel.  And none of that gorilla shit, either, my ass is still sore from the last trip.


  1. “We’re sorry sir, but we don’t have any monkeys. If you’re up for something a little… out of the ordinary may I suggest the prison up the street across from Central Park.”

  2. To obtain Monkey-Love from your concierge, you’ll have to stay at one of the Hotels below Houston.

  3. as the daughter of a dentist, i would like to share with you the technical term of your 5am condition… it is called ‘sweaters on your teeth’. i suppose the other condition you were in can be most aptly described as simian beastiality urges. well played monkey fucker.

  4. oh good grief . . .

  5. Sounds like you got some of that humor back, monkey-lover.

    I always forget my toothbrush when I travel, so I end up buying a new one in the airport. Every single time. I guess I should start forgetting my toothpaste too.

  6. Booo! The reason you didn’t have toothpaste must mean you are a “carry-on person.” I check everything and fly light. You guys make getting on and off the plane a nightmare with the constantly trying to squish giant bags in and out of the overhead compartments. Take anything you want and JUST CHECK IT. I’m sure I’m in the minority here but you guys drive me crazy!

    And don’t even come back with “I don’t want to wait at the luggage carousel.” I NEVER wait at the luggage carousel. When I deplane, I hit the nearest bar, order a beer and a shot of Jaeger and smoke a cigarette. If it’s a non-smoking airport, I have my drinks and then go smoke outside. My wait for my suitcase at that point is usually 0 to 5 minutes.

    If all you carry is a small bag that fits under the seat in front of you, then I apologize for my outburst.

  7. I’m not entirely sure I remember making this post. I think the copious amounts of work that I drank caused a minor blackout…

  8. I was about to ask. What time was this post made?

  9. I guess I did think it was a bit odd that your headlined threatened TSA with a good monkey fucking and then bemoaned the fact that your hotel was incapable of providing YOU with a good hard simian squat.

    Friends don’t let friends post drunk.

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