And when I can’t find actual charts, I love making up fake ones.
Archive for December, 2006
So I’m in the movie theater waiting for Children of Men to begin & there’s a trailer for a generic looking Mark Wahlberg action movie when suddenly one of the characters mentions Wahlberg’s character by name: Bob Lee Swagger. It turns out that Stephen Hunter’s Point of Impact (the first of three books he wrote about Swagger) is being made into a movie, (renamed “Shooter,” cause apparently “Point of Impact” wasn’t clear enough) and I got a total movie trailer boner for the rest of the trailer. You can see it here, but on re-watching, it’s really nothing all that special unless you’re a massive nerd for the Swagger books like I am.
Even though I am a total pansy liberal & don’t own a gun & all that crap, there’s something intensely satisfying about Hunter’s books. Three about Bob Lee, and three about his Dad Earl which are all set 30 years earlier when Earl was a soldier returning from WWII. All six books are essentially the same book, with a dramatic narrative that follows the traditional three act story arc:
- Trouble arises
- Swagger gets a gun
- Trouble is shot repeatedly.
In the Earl Swagger stories, sometimes trouble gets punched, cause Earl was more of a physical badass. Also, in the Bob Lee stories, trouble usually gets shot from very far away, cause Bob Lee is the WORLD’S GREATEST SNIPER.
And there’s the appeal of the books, really. Bob Lee’s the Michael Jordan of shooting people from very far away. Now, any time you’re the best in the world at what you do, it’s a pretty special thing, but there’s the best & then there’s THE BEST. For example, my dad’s like the Michael Jordan of knowing about France in the 1100s – 1300s. Very few people know the European book trade of the middle ages the way he does. But in my heart I think I know no one’s making a movie about him, and if they did, Mark Wahlberg probably wouldn’t play him.
Before I begin this entry, two quick pre-emptive apologies. If you’ve ever come to talk to me at my desk at work & I got up to go get a soda and didn’t say “come with me, I’m just getting a soda”, it wasn’t that I was thirsty, it’s that I really didn’t want to keep talking to you but you had me pinned in my cubicle & I couldn’t think of a better way out. And second, if you wedge a rubber dixie cup up your nether regions on a monthly basis, this post may seem like I am making fun of you. Because I am.
So I was watching this video of a 1930’s Walt Disney animated documentary about the wonders of menstruation when it reminded me of one of my favorite quirky products of the last few years. The Keeper is a rubber dixie cup that you (assuming you’re a woman of menstruating age) stuff up inside your junk to catch the torrents of blood that attempt to escape with slow but relentless progress like the Colorado river carving the Grand Canyon. Two awesome product details:
- When the cup gets full, you have to excuse yourself to the restroom, extract & empty your Keeper, and then re-insert it.
- When you wear it for a little while, your body temperature apparently warps/molds the unit to fit your uncharted territories, making your (now-personalized) Keeper all the less likely to be borrowed by a friend with a leaky cooter.
What’s most interesting of all is that every woman I’ve mentioned this product to (hundreds – it’s my opening line in bars) claims to a) never have heard of it, and b) be totally skeeved by the notion. And yet, it’s the #1 result on Google for the phrase “the Keeper”, despite the Keeper being the 2nd most important position in a little game called QUIDDITCH.
I wonder how many people I talk to daily have dixie cups up in their junk. Personally, if I did, I would totally bring that out during awkward conversations.
Co-worker: “Hi Jonathan, I wanted to talk to you about Studio Request Forms and the proper ways in which they get filled out because I notice that lately you’ve been leaving some key-”
Me: “I totally want to discuss that with you, but right now I have to go empty the dixie cup full of blood that I keep stuffed up my nethers. Maybe when I get back, okay?”