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My Cup Runneth Over

December 14, 2006

Before I begin this entry, two quick pre-emptive apologies.  If you’ve ever come to talk to me at my desk at work & I got up to go get a soda and didn’t say “come with me, I’m just getting a soda”, it wasn’t that I was thirsty, it’s that I really didn’t want to keep talking to you but you had me pinned in my cubicle & I couldn’t think of a better way out.  And second, if you wedge a rubber dixie cup up your nether regions on a monthly basis, this post may seem like I am making fun of you.  Because I am.

So I was watching this video of a 1930’s Walt Disney animated documentary about the wonders of menstruation when it reminded me of one of my favorite quirky products of the last few years.  The Keeper is a rubber dixie cup that you (assuming you’re a woman of menstruating age) stuff up inside your junk to catch the torrents of blood that attempt to escape with slow but relentless progress like the Colorado river carving the Grand Canyon.  Two awesome product details:

  1. When the cup gets full, you have to excuse yourself to the restroom, extract & empty your Keeper, and then re-insert it.
  2. When you wear it for a little while, your body temperature apparently warps/molds the unit to fit your uncharted territories, making your (now-personalized) Keeper all the less likely to be borrowed by a friend with a leaky cooter.

What’s most interesting of all is that every woman I’ve mentioned this product to (hundreds – it’s my opening line in bars) claims to a) never have heard of it, and b) be totally skeeved by the notion.  And yet, it’s the #1 result on Google for the phrase “the Keeper”, despite the Keeper being the 2nd most important position in a little game called QUIDDITCH.

I wonder how many people I talk to daily have dixie cups up in their junk.  Personally, if I did, I would totally bring that out during awkward conversations. 

Co-worker: “Hi Jonathan, I wanted to talk to you about Studio Request Forms and the proper ways in which they get filled out because I notice that lately you’ve been leaving some key-”

Me: “I totally want to discuss that with you, but right now I have to go empty the dixie cup full of blood that I keep stuffed up my nethers.  Maybe when I get back, okay?”

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23 comments

  1. I think you get weirder by the day.


  2. It’s cause I hadn’t posted anything in while. I think I may have snapped.


  3. You’re one sick fuck.

    **I mean that in a good way**


  4. It’s a shame when people are concentrating on having cups of ‘Good Chear’ you have to talk about cups filled with blood.


  5. I actually know someone who uses one and loves it so much she has no problems saying things almost exactly like, “I totally want to discuss that with you, but right now I have to go empty the dixie cup full of blood that I keep stuffed up my nethers. Maybe when I get back, okay?” Umm… ew.

    It’s not so much the idea of a dixie cup in my nether regions that bothers me, it’s sticking my fingers up my bloody nether nether regions. And having nether blood spill on my hand. Call me OCD but I’m not sure I could eat with that hand no matter how scrubbed for at least a week.


  6. Call me OCD but I’m not sure I could eat with that hand no matter how scrubbed for at least a week.

    Like a menstrual Lady MacBeth


  7. The Story of Menstration was moderately disturbing. “You shouldn’t go to extremes. Come to think of it, [film shows girl doing housecleaning chores] your daily routine is usually fairly subdued.” Yeah, I’m surprised the narrator didn’t say, ‘and while you’re at it sister, subdue your leaky little self over to the fridge and get me a beer.’ Sheesh.

    It did seem almost ahead of it’s time though in encouraging girls to exercise, even during ‘Keeper Time.’ Of course, it’s not that we’re really that advanced nowadays in terms of notions of equality. This morning on Good Morning America they had some lady on doing a segment on home electronics for Christmas and she had an electric guitar that had a fretboard that could light up where you were supposed to place your fingers to play certain notes/chords. She claimed that this was a great gift for “teenage boys, or boys of any age for that matter.” Hmmph.

    Oh baby, we’ve come a long way.


  8. perhaps more men should ponder this horror of horrors and gain a richer appreciation for their women. I in no way whatsoever condone ‘the keeper’ and when I did first learn of it, shuddered in terror, much like I do when in the presence of a clown. it is foul. (the keeper and the clown). then again, so is dealing with your body sloughing off your uterine lining each month.


  9. I may or may not have tried this but it was called something different. I may or may not have ended up in therapy as a result.


  10. Aimee, it’s probably for the best that men don’t get access to devices like the Keeper. Frankly, there’s been many a time when I would have been tempted (for practical joke purposes) to sneak a cupful ‘o jonson into someones meal while they weren’t looking. If I knew that I was carrying around a single serving (“fun-size”) dosage of my liquified innards, I’m not sure I could help myself. And that strikes me as the kind of joke that ends friendships. “Hey, dude, guess what I put on your steak during dinner earlier while you were in the men’s room?”


  11. I’ll send you one, I still have some in my closet somewhere. Its actually supposed to allow you to get down and dirty without letting anyone know its that time. Hopefully its not to full when you get there.


  12. When you say “in your closet somewhere” I pray you’re not speaking metaphorically.


  13. you wish


  14. That would be the worst nickname for a snootch ever. “How do you like my closet?” “Can you see my closet through these panties?” Just doesn’t work.


  15. you wish

    You know, I’m sure there’s a fetish market on eBay or somewhere for used Keepers.


  16. “Seriously, when was the last time you cleaned out your closet?!”


  17. You know, with this new meaning for ‘closet,’ this webpage –
    http://www.closetworld.com/HowWeWorkForYou.html
    takes on a whole new meaning.


  18. I don’t know how to respond to this entry.



  19. jonson, I don’t know how you could possibly profess to being Keeper-ignorant when the subject has been on Metafilter – in the blue, green and gray – several times!

    I actually bought one because I thought – hey, the lady Mefites seem to like it, why not give it a try? But I chickened out and gave it to C to try and when she didn’t like it I gave up on the idea. Anything that requires you to dig around up there for non-pleasurable reasons isn’t high on my list.


  20. widdershins, I would propose that digging around up there for a cup full of blood is only as pleasurable as you make it. Like the old saying goes: when life hands you a rubber cup full of menstrual blood… make lemonade!


  21. these are at least disposable….
    http://www.softcup.com/index.php


  22. Holy crap – that softcup site is awesome. I love the video section – in the chapter on “having sex with the softcup in,” essentially the entire product testimonial is about how the user can dupe her unsuspecting (and squeamish) husband into banging her while she’s on her period. Sneaky little minx!



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