Reason #416 I’m Glad I Have A PenisJanuary 10, 2007
One of the hazards of surfing the internet is that every once in a while, where you least expect it, you’ll run across a photo of some naked guy swinging upside down completely suspended by a rope cinched around his genitals, causing his testicles to swell up completely like an overripe plum. This is the price we pay for living in a free society, and it’s a risk I’m willing to live with. The unfortunate side effect is that, for men at least, seeing a painful image like that causes such a cringing, empathic reaction that for a moment you actually wish you didn’t have genitals, rather than imagine the pain of having them be so mistreated.
But the truth of the matter is, I’m glad I have a penis. I mean, not only does it earn me more money than my non-penised counterparts for the same work, but it actually got me out of a desperate situation this morning. When I woke up, still bleary eyed & staggered into the bathroom, I stumbled upon a fiendish plot. What was clearly the John Rambo of household spiders had crawled into our toilet and was just waiting there for an unwitting victim to sit down so it could bite them on the junk, and then when they passed out in terror… eat their eyeballs, or whatever it is spiders do to their helpless victims. But the spider hadn’t counted on my amazing powers of upright urination (evolution’s greatest gift, according to Richard Dawkins), which not only allowed me to see the plot unfolding, as the eight legged villain scrambled up the side of the bowl, but provided me with a handy weapon with which to redirect my nemesis to his watery doom. Once again, the old axiom holds true, the penis mightier than the spider.