Archive for March, 2007


Everyone’s talking about My Fake Business

March 27, 2007

Well, actually no one’s talking about it.  But I am happy to note that the #1 & #2 results on Google for the phrase “My Fake Business” are my Flickr photo of the card & the related blog entry, so that’s a start.  Clearly when America (or even THE WORLD) searches for their Fake Business needs, I will be the first company that comes to mind.  Millions of dollars of free fake publicity, thanks to the marketing juggernaut that is the jonsonblog!!  I may have to take my friend Sheila’s suggestion & order fake business cards.

I have to admit to being a little downhearted earlier today when a colleague pointed out to me that my secret masterplan to unlimited monetary shenanigans (“Just use your own name as the business name, and your Social Security Number as the Tax ID.“) is actually documented sound financial advice, assuming you get your sound financial advice from dubious sources like “My Money Blog Dot Com.”  It’s somewhat chastening to see one’s nefarious master schemes printed in bold type on self-help websites.


You Should Totally Invest In My Fake Business

March 24, 2007

I have a bad habit of issuing consumer ultimatums, especially ones I have no power to enforce like “oh, so you won’t refund my 53 cent ‘handling fee’, eh? Well let’s see if I EVER use your product again, U.S. Postal Service!” Frequently, this leads to me having to cancel services like cell phone providers or bank accounts in order to back up my threat (so they know I wasn’t fucking around!), which always ends up being more hassle than it was worth.

Recently, I was using a “rewards” credit card and failed to notice in the fine print that there was a cap on the total $$ that they’d issue in one calendar year. When October rolled around & I was still using the card for all my expenses (including my reimbursed ones for the company I work for), I was shocked & annoyed to find out that I’d be receiving no further rewards checks, and all my spending was uncredited. Skipping over a lot of angry phone calls, the upshot is, I sure showed them! I cancelled my card & got a new one from a different company, with a RIDICULOUSLY low credit limit that I’m not sure would cover me for a weekend out. For some reason, the old card had a mammoth limit, built up over years with the company, but the new card was from a much more prudent & judicious creditor, and they didn’t like the look on my face when I applied, apparently.

So, clearly I needed a backup card. One day, when I’m surfing on I see an ad for an Amazon cobranded Corporate Credit Card for small business owners to issue to their employees. Because I’m a jackass, I decide to apply, being completely forthright about the fact that I don’t own (nor never have owned, never will own) a small business. In the Business Name field, I put “MY FAKE BUSINESS” and in the Tax ID field I just put my SSN.

Well hello, credit fraud. It arrived today (four days after I applied) with a $15,000 limit, higher than the original rewards card that I cancelled plus the goofy replacement card I got combined. This is why America is the greatest place on Earth. My favorite part is that they typed out “My Fake Business” on the front of the card. Now I just need to know what My Fake Business will sell. I like to think we’re in the “people business.”


Anti-semitic Clockwork Masterpiece

March 21, 2007

So, I need to go to Prague, it turns out, if only to see this clock in person. More than a clock, it’s actually an intricately designed multipurpose bit of architecture & engineering, with 8 animated statues (including popular characters like “Death” and the always popular gold-hoarding “Jew”, who clutches his bag of gold like a demented leprechaun) plus 12 marching apostle figures & an insanely detailed calendar.

On the hour, Death pulls a cord which rings the toll, and then Death turns over an hourglass, beginning the count anew. Each of the figures surrounding the clock has an animation – the Turk to Death’s right shakes his head, indicating that he doesn’t want to go with Death. The animation for the Jewish statue (he’s the 2nd figure on the left, in this picture) has him vigorously weighing his coin purse, ignoring Death’s proximity.

Tons of background details on the clock here, on the official tourist website of the city of Prague, where an air of sophistication has compelled them to rename the Jewish stereotype from merely “Jew” to the more moderate “Miser/Jew.” Ah, Eastern Europe, who knew that Borat thing was a documentary after all?


links for 2007-03-17

March 17, 2007

Cory Doctorow should be punched in the nuts

March 14, 2007

So, in case you don’t know, there’s a guy named Cory Doctorow, and he writes on a blog called BoingBoing, and it’s a pretty popular website, largely thanks to Cory’s contributions, although he pretty much seems to write about himself most of the time, and his petty grievances.  I was reading this entry tonight about people who park rudely, take up too much space, etc, and ran across the following quote by Doctorow:  I recently started shooting the SUVs parked across two “compact” spaces at USC (it’s always SUVs!) and tagging them on Flickr with “niceparkingasshole,”and it struck me that that’s just about the most pathetically passive-aggressive impotent act of vengeance I’ve ever heard of.  Oooooh!  You really showed them, Cory!  You tagged your private photo of their car with a nasty note!  Good thing they didn’t steal your glasses from you or take your lunch money, or you might have to Google them & leave nasty anonymous quotes on their MySpace pages.  Cory Doctorow is a pussy, is essentially what I’m saying.

But the sad thing is, Doctorow’s not the worst part of Boing Boing.  There are five main writers, who mostly just post links sent into them by readers, which is about the laziest kind of blogging there is, and from the hideous amounts of traffic the site receives and the garish advertising plastered all over it, the writers all make crazy dollars, like, “I don’t work for a living I just post links that were sent to me by readers” kind of dollars.  Which I’d be fine with, if I didn’t dislike the two most prolific personalities on the site so much.  Doctorow, lame as he is, is only the 2nd biggest offender.  Xeni (not her real first name) Jardin (not her real last name) is a vacuous egoist, the internet equivalent of a media whore, famous for being internet-famous.  Her posts are about 60% risque “ooh, look, someone said ‘vagina’!” style attention bids, with the remainder a collection of posts about her upcoming appearances and mildly interesting things happening in L.A. that are completely useless to the non L.A. portion of the blog’s audience.  If Cory deserves to be punched in the nuts*, then Xeni deserves to be hit with a hammer.

So, all this is by way of boring you with a recent dream of mine, which I swear to you on my life is 100% true.  I dreamt that I was at a Hammer convention.  Not like the 1960’s British Christopher Lee horror film studio, but like an actual hammer convention, where they were showing off new kinds of hammers, and ways in which you could optimize your hammering experience.  And I’m standing there, with a hammer in my hand, when up walks Xeni Jardin, standing close enough to be plonked with a hammer.  I want to make sure it’s her, so I ask “Excuse me, are you Xeni Jardin?” and when she replies that she is, indeed Xeni, instead of doing the right thing, I say “I’m a big fan of your work.”

Later, when I awoke, I wondered why my dream self had betrayed my waking sense of justice, but eventually I realized, that’s pretty much what would have happened in real life, if, somehow in real life there had been a hammer convention, and both Xeni & I had attended.  I probably would have asked for a picture with her, but at the very least I could have uploaded it to Flickr and tagged it “vacuousmediawhore.”

*Note: He does.


links for 2007-03-13

March 13, 2007

links for 2007-03-06

March 6, 2007

links for 2007-03-05

March 5, 2007

links for 2007-03-03

March 3, 2007

An Auspicious Portent

March 1, 2007

Augers throughout time have turned to various methods to predict the future; fondling goose entrails, charting the heavens, reading the sacred texts hidden in cookies of fortune from the heathen chinee. But one legend holds true among soothsayers round the world: a businessman on a moose is about the surest sign of impending good fortune that the gods can put forth. Verily, my luck has changed, and the luck of all those who read this blog. Send $5.