Cory Doctorow should be punched in the nuts

March 14, 2007

So, in case you don’t know, there’s a guy named Cory Doctorow, and he writes on a blog called BoingBoing, and it’s a pretty popular website, largely thanks to Cory’s contributions, although he pretty much seems to write about himself most of the time, and his petty grievances.  I was reading this entry tonight about people who park rudely, take up too much space, etc, and ran across the following quote by Doctorow:  I recently started shooting the SUVs parked across two “compact” spaces at USC (it’s always SUVs!) and tagging them on Flickr with “niceparkingasshole,”and it struck me that that’s just about the most pathetically passive-aggressive impotent act of vengeance I’ve ever heard of.  Oooooh!  You really showed them, Cory!  You tagged your private photo of their car with a nasty note!  Good thing they didn’t steal your glasses from you or take your lunch money, or you might have to Google them & leave nasty anonymous quotes on their MySpace pages.  Cory Doctorow is a pussy, is essentially what I’m saying.

But the sad thing is, Doctorow’s not the worst part of Boing Boing.  There are five main writers, who mostly just post links sent into them by readers, which is about the laziest kind of blogging there is, and from the hideous amounts of traffic the site receives and the garish advertising plastered all over it, the writers all make crazy dollars, like, “I don’t work for a living I just post links that were sent to me by readers” kind of dollars.  Which I’d be fine with, if I didn’t dislike the two most prolific personalities on the site so much.  Doctorow, lame as he is, is only the 2nd biggest offender.  Xeni (not her real first name) Jardin (not her real last name) is a vacuous egoist, the internet equivalent of a media whore, famous for being internet-famous.  Her posts are about 60% risque “ooh, look, someone said ‘vagina’!” style attention bids, with the remainder a collection of posts about her upcoming appearances and mildly interesting things happening in L.A. that are completely useless to the non L.A. portion of the blog’s audience.  If Cory deserves to be punched in the nuts*, then Xeni deserves to be hit with a hammer.

So, all this is by way of boring you with a recent dream of mine, which I swear to you on my life is 100% true.  I dreamt that I was at a Hammer convention.  Not like the 1960’s British Christopher Lee horror film studio, but like an actual hammer convention, where they were showing off new kinds of hammers, and ways in which you could optimize your hammering experience.  And I’m standing there, with a hammer in my hand, when up walks Xeni Jardin, standing close enough to be plonked with a hammer.  I want to make sure it’s her, so I ask “Excuse me, are you Xeni Jardin?” and when she replies that she is, indeed Xeni, instead of doing the right thing, I say “I’m a big fan of your work.”

Later, when I awoke, I wondered why my dream self had betrayed my waking sense of justice, but eventually I realized, that’s pretty much what would have happened in real life, if, somehow in real life there had been a hammer convention, and both Xeni & I had attended.  I probably would have asked for a picture with her, but at the very least I could have uploaded it to Flickr and tagged it “vacuousmediawhore.”

*Note: He does.


  1. I have a more visceral (but still kinda passive-aggressive) way to deal with people who park across two spaces. I leave a note on their windshield that says “STOP FUCKING AMY! NEXT TIME I’LL KILL YOU!”

    Works best if the handwriting looks angry and ever-so-slightly desperate. Also, Corvette parkers are equally as obnoxious as SUV parkers.

  2. It’s been a long time since a comment on this blog made me laugh out loud, congrats.

  3. You would have said something snarky about Xeni while using your secret super power. And she would have then administered the Rouse Ass-Kicking with a state-of-the-art ball peen.

  4. I wholeheartedly agree with your appraisal of the boing boing twins. Doctorow’s balls are now swollen and Jardin is in a coma.

  5. But why are you still reading it? I mean, I went there twice to see what all the fuss was about and just couldn’t be bothered to return.

  6. So you hate a blog because you think one of it’s authors is using it to whine about things that only matter to them. So you write in your blog… whining about something that only matters to you?

    Interesting. Very, very interesting. Oh, wait. My mistake. It isn’t very interesting at all.

  7. Hey, maybe I should be punched in the nuts!

  8. Perhaps, perhaps… Or maybe, a better idea would be to hold yourself to the same standards you expect from everyone else? Perhaps a little self-awareness? Maybe a smidgen of third-party editing?

  9. Waitasecond… Cory?? JUNKPUNCH!!

  10. If you were to check the IP I am posting from, you will notice that I am NOT Mr. Doctorow.

    Further signs pointing to my lack of “Cory Doctorow-ness” would be the fact that I am the wrong gender to be a “Mister”.

    Other than that, you are welcome to vent your frustrations at your current situation by replying with “JUNKPUNCH” as many times as you wish. I hope it makes you feel better. I, for one, certainly find your method of dealing with your frustration interesting in a behavioral-sciences kind of way.

  11. Xeni? I’m a big fan of your work.

  12. *sigh*
    I realize you’re hoping to get some sort of response from two people who you seem to hate much less than you pretend to, but in reality you’ve been wasting your afternoon communicating with a Canadian woman who thinks that perhaps you might have missed how much of a whiny jerk you’re making yourself out to be.

    Then again, maybe you didn’t miss it. Maybe that was the point? Were you attempting to corner the market on whiny, self-involved blog entries? Is this all a plot/plan to make sure only you get to whine and bitch about things you don’t like? (Too late for that, though. Livejournal will always have you beat. Difficult news to take, I know, but you seem like a tough little thing. I’m sure you’ll recover.)

  13. Just looking at Xeni makes my skin shiver. Pull yourself together, girl!

  14. Personally, I love BoingBoing. Sure it’s all about them and their stuff, but dude – it’s a blog. That’s what it’s for. So you can carefully monitor their activities from afar without ever having to run into them IRL.

  15. 2202: Take off, you hoser.

  16. Wow this blog got real serious real quick. Thanks 2202. “Junkpunch” is funny!

  17. Dude, the way your dream turns out? It’s my job.

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