You Should Totally Invest In My Fake Business

March 24, 2007

I have a bad habit of issuing consumer ultimatums, especially ones I have no power to enforce like “oh, so you won’t refund my 53 cent ‘handling fee’, eh? Well let’s see if I EVER use your product again, U.S. Postal Service!” Frequently, this leads to me having to cancel services like cell phone providers or bank accounts in order to back up my threat (so they know I wasn’t fucking around!), which always ends up being more hassle than it was worth.

Recently, I was using a “rewards” credit card and failed to notice in the fine print that there was a cap on the total $$ that they’d issue in one calendar year. When October rolled around & I was still using the card for all my expenses (including my reimbursed ones for the company I work for), I was shocked & annoyed to find out that I’d be receiving no further rewards checks, and all my spending was uncredited. Skipping over a lot of angry phone calls, the upshot is, I sure showed them! I cancelled my card & got a new one from a different company, with a RIDICULOUSLY low credit limit that I’m not sure would cover me for a weekend out. For some reason, the old card had a mammoth limit, built up over years with the company, but the new card was from a much more prudent & judicious creditor, and they didn’t like the look on my face when I applied, apparently.

So, clearly I needed a backup card. One day, when I’m surfing on Amazon.com I see an ad for an Amazon cobranded Corporate Credit Card for small business owners to issue to their employees. Because I’m a jackass, I decide to apply, being completely forthright about the fact that I don’t own (nor never have owned, never will own) a small business. In the Business Name field, I put “MY FAKE BUSINESS” and in the Tax ID field I just put my SSN.

Well hello, credit fraud. It arrived today (four days after I applied) with a $15,000 limit, higher than the original rewards card that I cancelled plus the goofy replacement card I got combined. This is why America is the greatest place on Earth. My favorite part is that they typed out “My Fake Business” on the front of the card. Now I just need to know what My Fake Business will sell. I like to think we’re in the “people business.”


  1. If your fake business is interested in taking on the causes of people doing battle with big faceless companies, I’d like to be your first client. Here’s my story.

    In early December, I ordered three personalized spatulas from Williams-Sonoma as a stocking stuffer for my girlfriend. (They’d print anything I wanted on the handles and the scrapy parts are pink, whooohooo!).

    So, around December 10th, I get an email telling me that delivery would be delayed, and I wouldn’t get them by Christmas.

    In the middle of January, I got another email saying the manufacturer was backlogged and I wouldn’t see the spatulas for another couple of months. For my inconvenience, they were going to give me a 10% discount.

    So, what happened? They shipped the spatulas last week and charged my card. And my discount? No sign of it.

    So, I propose that you go after those fuckers for my fucking $2.70. If you are successful, you may keep 15% (40¢) of the take.


  2. As Chief Executive Officer of My Fake Business, I’m pretty sure (but not 100% sure) that we’re not a legal services firm.

    However, in my day job as a professional Consumer Ultimatumist, I suggest you call your local Williams-Sonoma and threaten to NEVER DO BUSINESS with them again until the $2.70 is returned to its rightful owner.

    Finally, as a well-documented personalized item lunatic, allow me to extend a hearty thank you, as I’m off to order me some personalized spatulas (“Jonathan Rouse is probably a better cook than you!”).

  3. ”Jonathan Rouse is probably a better cook than you!”


    *Unless it’s carne asada.

  4. When are you getting business cards? Have you checked to see if the URL is available?

  5. I’m so glad I could point you toward your very own personalized spatulas. I hope the pink sets off your eyes.

  6. My Fake Business — Personalized M&Ms Authorized Agent

  7. This card will definitely come in handy when it’s time to set your fake personal secretary up in a new apartment.

  8. Except as Fake CFO I see all the bills.

  9. The only thing missing is the My Fake Company mission statement.

  10. Keeping it Real, One Lie at a Time

  11. […] September 24th, 2007 I got a letter today from Chase Bank, preferred credit card issuer for My Fake Business.  Although my plan to sue ESPN for seed capital to get my business up & running fell through, […]

  12. It is unbeliavable that it is actually worked. Now as you got a super power plastic, what are your plan for it?

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