Starving to Death in Death Valley

April 5, 2007

I’m going out to Death Valley this weekend with two friends.  My road trip photographer buddy Patrick & a mutual friend called Jim.  There is a significant stigma of Death about the area we’re checking out, starting with the name “Death Valley”, but proceeding on to a series of equally dismal places all named after negative connotations, like Badwater Lake Basin, Funeral Hills or Syphyllys Canyon.  I may have made up Funeral Hills.  So, it’s a crazy all-day road trip, because apparently Death Valley is far away or some shit, but it’s BYOF, where one of the things that the “F” stands for is “food”, and I’m not sure what I will bring.  Other than potato chips, I don’t like a lot of things you could eat that have sat in a car all day.  Like, I like Hamburgers, but those need to be cooked, or I like Chicken Tikka Masala, but I don’t know how to make that in a Jeep.  So I need to bring stuff I can eat “unprepared.” 

For Patrick & Jim, who are normal & low-maintenance, this shouldn’t be a problem.  I predict a hungry day for Jon-Jon.  Once the Doritos are gone, I’m kinda done.  Also, I looked at the map for the route we’re taking, and it’s a lot of offroading.  Now, I don’t know if you know, but off roading in a place with no markers that you’re unfamiliar with is VERY similar to “being lost.” In fact, until you get to your destination, it’s pretty much indistinguishable.   So there’s a decent chance we’re gonna get lost & starve. 

It’s a good thing that the OTHER thing the “F” stands for is Firearms, so if things get TOO bad, I can always shoot & eat my “friends” on the trip.  I’d call this friendly cannibalism “Plan B”, in that the Doritos/hunger option is my first choice, but by now I’ve given it so much thought that it’s really more like Plan A Minus.  Both Patrick & Jim are so much more proficient with firearms than me, and I’m so much more inherently tasty (especially loaded up with Doritos) than them that I will probably need to shoot them at the first sign that we are lost, before the idea occurs to either of them.

Fortunately I don’t think either of them read this blog with enough frequency to wise up to the plan, but if you see a sudden decrease in the daily output of Patrick’s photoblog, there’s a good chance it’s because I shot & ate him.  I’ll let you all know how it works out on Monday.



  1. As long as you don’t have to throw the gun at them you’ll be ok.

  2. ouch. it hurts cause it’s true 😦

  3. You should try those lunchables? They look delicious and are only 298% of your daily recommended salt intake.

  4. Don’t forget to stop at the Mad Greek in Baker (if you’re going out via I-15 & CA-127)

  5. might i recommend beef jerkey? and then look up how to make beef jerkey. and bring a hunting knife. both will come in handy when filleting jim (clearly not patrick since he’s good at providing me music) and storing the meat for long durations of time. i’d bet you could also fashion jim’s skin into some sort of parasol to protect from the elements. et voila! a new serial killer is born!

  6. Hmm, last time I ate people I had to cook them. the raw people was really tough. Thus, if you can cook people you can cook hamburgers.

    You could take some fish and put it lime juice and let it cook all day. Ceviche!

    As far as experience with handguns. Doesn’t really take much. My experience, the one with the gun has a huge advantage, whether they have experience or not. Just remember open end points away!

    Are you familiar with MREs? Go to REI.


    BTW, I hope this Jim has more meat on him then Patrick. Patrick wouldn’t last you past breakfast the first day!

  7. damn, just go to http://www.mre.com

  8. I don’t know how much room you have in the Jeep, but you guys could bring a cooler and put all you food in it. Bay Cities extra-lovin’ sandwiches in Death Valley!!

  9. OMG I’ve nearly peed myself laughing.

  10. Dude…that’s hilarious!

  11. Just thought you should know I read this during class the other day and, since it was so funny, I laughed inappropriately during a discussion about “material breach”. That in turn caused me to get called on, and since I wasn’t paying attention, had only “uuuuhhhh” to offer the professor as an answer. Anyway, I’ve made a new rule, no jonson blog during contracts class.

  12. You know what? After seeing Johnson shoot a handgun, I’m fairly sure that I had nothing to worry about. Now, had he actually attempted to shoot me, I would have quickly beat him senseless with his own bag of beef jerky…

  13. Gun frighten monkey!

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