Expensive Refrigerator, why do you haunt my dreams?

April 18, 2007

I see you there, on the internet, taunting me with your retro styling & colors, and your obscene price tag.  Someday, you will be mine.  And I will be living in the cardboard box you arrive in.  Until that day, expensive refrigerator, just know that I am thinking of you.  Every time you go home with someone else, someone wealthy, I know you realize in your cold, cold heart that he could never love you the way I do.  He will never stock your freezer compartments with tater tots, if you understand my metaphor.*  I see you ship with “automatic moisture control.”  That’s just because you’ve never been with me, baby.

Why, refrigerator? Why must you be so expensive?  Our love is like Romeo & Juliet, where I am a Montague & you are something a Montague would have to sell his baby to afford.  And don’t think I haven’t considered it, my sleek retro fetish object.  Apparently there are laws against this sort of thing, laws that the missus is only too familiar with.  What’s that you say, my darling refrigerator?  Yes, that’s true… if she were out of the picture, then it’d be just you and me.  And the LBC, and the pugs. 

Your 20.9 cubic feet of chilled storage space could never contain my boundless affections.  Someday we shall be together & I will melt all the ice in your freezer faster than your internal ice maker can replace it.  The current model in my kitchen is a shallow harlot, she cannot hold a candle to your majesty, your 2 half-width clear crisper pans and your Energy Star compliance…

What kind of cruel God would allow a refrigerator like you to exist and yet not provide me with the means to own you?

* Not an actual metaphor – I loves me some tots!



  1. is there really a “d” is refrigerator? hmmm…I guess maybe there is.

  2. Haha, anonymous chump, joke’s on you! I edited the post so that my spelling error was removed and now YOU look like a lunatic, complaining about a spelling error that isn’t there. In your FACE, anonymous!!

  3. Ooohhhhh, I love that refrigerator so much I would marry it…..and then carry on an affair with the matching stove.

  4. I had this same obsession with a golf club. It’s never as good as the fantasy. But, good luck.

  5. Use caution: the Missus may find another use for the Fridge…(http://www.caller.com/ccct/local_news/article/0,1641,CCCT_811_5489133,00.html)

  6. It’s a kitchen appliance! I mean it’s cute and all but it’s no pair of Manolo Blahniks or Prada handbag -now THAT’S something to get all hot and heavy about.

  7. Chuck, you’re brilliant!!

  8. Hey, totally unrelated to this post, but…


  9. Yeah, I linked to that here.

  10. jesus god, I will never doubt your existence again if only you let me win the lottery so that I can A) buy a house in this goddamned (sorry) SoCal housing market, and B) outfit it with that fridge and matching stove, most likely in lime green.

  11. I really says something about my masculinity that women chime in on this thread to agree with me & men chime in to say “I felt the same way, but about golf clubs.” I think it’s time to start up the testosterone shots again.

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