Up Yours, People of Calimesa

April 29, 2007

I swear to God I should be running Verizon.  I couldn’t be doing a worse job than the doorknob they have in charge of Fiber Optic internet service right now.

If you had asked me earlier tonight: true/false, is there a city called Calimesa?  I would have flipped a coin to determine my answer.  But apparently not only IS there such a city (deep in Riverside county), but all 7000 of its residents can enjoy a nice break from their 9-5 meth lab work to surf the web at ungodly speeds, thanks to the fuckers at Verizon who have dutifully outfit the entire city for Fiber Optic internet service.

For those who don’t know about bandwith and such, here’s a quick primer: in 1994 when I first got online, it was at 14,400 kbps and it cost $35/month.  By the time I switched to DSL it was at 128,000 Kbps and it cost about $45/month.  Verizon Fiber Optic offers a $50 package at 15,000,000 Kbps, but the downside is that you have to live in an area that they’ve wired for the service.  These areas are a closely guarded secret by Verizon, and apparently they choose the next one to wire not by a detailed analysis of household income or broadband early adoption, but by spinning a fucking dial, or asking a goat, or some other soothsayer invocation. 

According to this page I found, West Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, San Francisco, San Jose, Mountain View & Palo Alto are NOT on the Fiber Optic list, but internet hotbeds Calimesa, Indio, Wildimar & Mennifee are.  This is some serious bullshit.  Unless there’s a chance that high consumer internet speeds may cause errectile dysfunction and they want to test it on the lawsuit-impaired yokels in the boonies (a fine corporate tradition), in which case I’m fine with it.  But by now the “test-market” idea should be through, and the “rank the zip codes in order of profitability and start wiring at the top” stage of rollout should be in play.

To quote an old friend: dangpants!


  1. I checked, and, sure enough, no FIOS in Brooklyn. It reminds me of my cell phone difficulties. I’ve only been able to use my cell phone at home for about six months. Before that, dropped signal half-way down the block.

    When I’d call customer service, they’d tell me they were working on getting enought towers in rural areas. I’d tell them I could see the Empire State Bldg. from my front door.

    The only good thing was that every time I complained about the lack of service, they threw a $50 credit at me to make me shut up. (Hint, Hint.)

  2. DC isn’t even on their list – that’s discrimination!

    And also, I think “dangpants” adequately describes my feelings on the situation as well.

  3. I pay $28 a month for a 6Mbps FIOS connection and I pretty much live in Cooterville.

    Suck it, Jonson.

  4. FUCK! Even COOTERVILLE has fios now? This is the worst day ever!

  5. Is it not possible that it’s hard to install FIOS in established cities. Don’t they lay it under the ground? Thus digging up Jonson’s neighborhood vs. Cooterville maybe what’s going on here.

  6. Many of the cities in Texas that are listed are newly developed or have massive new construction.

    Seriously jonson 128,000 Kbps, not enough clarity in your Walrus porn?

  7. It seems to be that Cooterville is a pretty good place to start. Otherwise it will take forever to get all the porn uploaded outta there.

  8. I have had this fios service for about six months and it is seriously the best… service… ever. This totally validates my move to Cooterville.

  9. Still. I will not live in a city that has a Verizon contact.

  10. I’ll bet that Verizon is merely running fiber into places where there is little opposition from local cable television monopolies and the potential to get some government $$$ for wiring up rural school districts.

    In Long Beach, Verizon ran head on against Charter and Time-Warner cable who decided to sue rather than compete – claiming that Verizon’s fiber network (which would carry television) would violate the existing monopoly contact the city had with them.

    Then there’s AT&T attempts to put a fiber network in the wealthy suburbs of Chicago: http://arstechnica.com/articles/culture/u-verse.ars

  11. Hey Bitch…My dad live in Menifee. Be nice. We all cannot live in that liberal-loving hotbed of “Los Angeles”. BURN BABY, BURN!

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