Soylent Reality Television is PEOPLE!May 25, 2007
In the wake of the news that homoerotic will-o-the-wisp Sanjaya Malakar might have been (gasp!) a performance art character, I felt compelled to invent 9 more shocking bits of TV news:
- Rosie O’Donnell is actually three small lesbians inside a giant automaton, feverishly working the levers & gadgets.
- Sig Hansen from Deadliest Catch? Terrified of the ocean. All his scenes are greenscreen/rotoscoping.
- Tim Gunn? Hates fashion, loves rebuilding homes. Lost a bet in 2004 to Ty Pennington, his one time lover, and has been forced to job swap until one of their shows gets cancelled.
- The original Regis Philbin died in 1994. Frank Gifford killed him when he thought Reg was getting fresh with Kathie Lee. This misunderstanding later led to Gifford’s own affair, and the related blackmail scandal. In the wake of the tragedy, ABC hushed up the crime and hired relative unknown Steven Yahblonic, an elderly but spry Queens native who was an uncanny Philbin doppleganger. Plans for a similar replacement for the long dead Roger Ebert (coincidentally, ALSO murdered by Gifford, for reasons yet unknown) continue to this day.
- On the show “Dancing With The Stars,” many of the contestants aren’t actually stars, but rather faded has beens, reduced to celebrity talent show travesties that strip away the remaining dignity they had in exchange for a few more minutes in the warmth of public attention.
- America’s Next Top Model & America’s Most Wanted have been on a collision course for several years; one day the same contestant will win both shows.
- Three members of the cast of Grey’s Anatomy have clauses in their contracts (driven by whether they hit ratings benchmarks) that allow them to perform actual surgery on etherized, terminally ill patients on camera. For two of the actors, both trained in the Method style, it is to improve the realism of their performances. But in the case of Patrick Dempsey, it is to allow him to continue the decade-long serial killing habit he acquired on the set of Can’t Buy Me Love.
- In an attempt to keep his “Jack Bauer” persona in character, Keifer Sutherland refuses to respond to people who call him by his given name, in lieu of his character’s name. Also, he has not taken a piss in seven years.
- The guy in the bee costume on Sabado Gigante?
HE’S NOT WEARING A COSTUME.