Archive for June 13th, 2007


Academy Awards for EVERYONE

June 13, 2007

So, I’m torturing myself by reading the user reviews of the corpse-rapingly awful movie Shooter over @ the IMDB; there are over 140, the vast majority quite positive, and my favorite so far is this one:

Mark Wahlberg Academy Award nomination coming and Love that Kate Mara

We start all of our reviews with the following information. My wife and I have seen nearly 100 movies per year for the past 15 years. Recently, we were honored by receiving lifetime movie passes to any movie any time at no cost! So we can see whatever we want whenever we want. The point of this is that CRITICS count for ZERO. Your local critics or the national critics like Ebert are really no different than you or me. The only difference is that they get to write about the movie and are forced to see hundreds of movies whether they want to or not.Therefore, it is our belief that if you get your monies worth for two hours of enjoyment that is good enough for us! We NEVER EVER listen or read the critics. We only care about our friends and those who we know like the same things as us. Well enough about that.

Wow. Mark Wahlberg is spectacular and the movie is outstanding. From start to finish we get a glimse into the real world of politics in Washington DC. Never know who is telling the truth. It is shades of the Bush Administraton with a couple of very good digs at them. Kate Mara is gorgeous and a rising star. Don’t miss it. Action packed from the minute it starts to the very end.

So… this dude is insane, yeah?  I mean, not just because he thinks that badgering his local film chain into giving him a lifetime free pass is an honor, or that he loves a movie that could have been made by 7 monkeys and a steadicam, but because he thinks Mark Wahlberg will win the Best Actor Oscar for his role as the tortured loner Bob Lee Swagger.  So, I clicked on the writer’s profile to read his other reviews, and it’s pretty awesome, actually.

First of all, he’s written 135 so far, which is no small feat.  And true to his word, he does indeed preface each one with his screed about how many movies per year he sees and how critics are no better at determining the worth of a movie than he is and how he can see ANY movie at ANY time he pleases for FREE.  But slowly, a pattern emerged as I perused his reviews…

A LOT of unlikely candidates are going to win the Academy Award for Best Actor this year, if his review headlines are any indication:

Did you ever think that Adam Sandler could win the Academy Award? (reign over me)

Robin Williams spectacular Academy Award material (the night listener)

DAKOTA FANNING destined for more Academy Awards than any other actress (Dreamer)

But far funnier than his casual handing out of Oscars is his absolute pathological hatred of critics, usually evidenced by his championing of terribly reviewed movies, all the more so when they are succesful @ the Box Office:

Critics are they better than you and me? $100,000,000+ and counting (da vinci code)

It Did $48 million 1st weekend and the Critics say it is a failure./They are crazy (mission impossible 3)

Why u should not listen to critics. they are not any better than real people (basic instinct 2)

But the absolute highlight of any internet review is the combination of just an out-right terrible movie with crazy hyperbolic praise, and in that, he does not disappoint:

Where did this terrific movie come from? (Layover, with David Hasselhoff – straight to video release)

Raiders of the Lost Ark is back in the form of Sahara! (sahara)

A whole new franchise..Steve Martin fantastic! (steve martin remake of the pink panther)

So, I guess this makes me seem super-elitist, with my critic-loving, only seeing a few movies a year, big city ways… and maybe this guy has a point, maybe there are no arbitrary standards for what is “good” or “retarded” when it comes to movie making.  Perhaps David Hasselhoff is a diamond in the rough in the tragically overlooked Layover. 

But then again, isn’t this really the fallacy of the internet, and of empowering everyone to speak up?  The only people who will are either fanatics, who are blinded by their love of the thing they’re reviewing, or haters who absolutely must let the world know how terrible the thing they’re reviewing is.  It’s like when we do statistical analysis at work and we normalize for outliers, those few anomalous data that can throw off a curve.  On the internet, it’s nothing BUT outliers.