…Of Mice & Men

June 14, 2007

50 Years ago this Friday, the city of Tulsa Oklahoma buried a time capsule of life in the middle of the great American century, including a glorious Plymouth Belvedere, tail fins & all.  The purpose was to give people in the future a glimpse at what life in the 50s was all about. 

The vault was built sturdy enough to survive a nuclear attack (which should give you an idea of what life in the late 50s was all about right there), but unfortunately it was not built water tight.  Over two feet of standing water had seeped in during the intervening decades, and the Plymouth and the Time Capsule materials were sitting in the middle of it, potentially rusting away (although city officials claim the car may still be salvageable due to a protective wrapping, possibly they used the ClearCote(tm) sealant from Fargo).

Regardless, the whole fiasco made me wonder what of my life I would collect today to give the people of the future a snapshot of what turn of the century life was all about.  I narrowed it down to the following five things:

1) A photo of the sexiest naked people I can find.  Here’s my thinking – with the rise of the internet, and pornography & niche fetishes & all sorts of desensitization, super hot naked people will be as sexy to the citizens of 2057 as photos of Betty Grable in a one piece bathing suit are to people today.  We’ll vaguely recognize that the images have an intended purpose, some sort of arousal, but no one will really actually be turned on by looking at just plain old naked people any more.  Based on my research, at least one of the participants in all future erotica will have to be dressed as a bear, or a clown, or some sort of bear-clown hybrid.

2) An ipod shuffle, one of the new super tiny ones that are smaller than a money clip & hold 100 songs.  In the future, music, and really all digital data will not be stored on a physical medium, but rather wiped directly on to your skin with a series of wet-knaps, like the kind you get at KFC when you are done with your chicken.  In fact, KFC will likely be the world’s largest data distribution company.  People will be hard pressed to remember a time when KFC sold chicken. This situation is already becoming commonplace.

3) A Hydrogen Bomb, the most powerful one I can get my hands on.  This is not to illustrate our war-mongering ways, or to show the people of the future what barbarians we were.  Rather, this will be a live bomb, with a countdown initiated by the first rays of sunlight hitting the weapon.  The bomb will have a large note taped to it reading “Press this button to stop your annihilation.”  If the people of the future can’t read English, fuck ’em, is what I’m going for here.

4) The dead body of Ann Coulter, or possibly Sean Hannity.  Or both.  I’m not particular.  No identifcation need accompany the remains, nor should any steps be taken to preserve the corpses.

5) A box of things confiscated by the TSA, collected randomly at the end of one travel day from a major metropolitan airport.  The people of the future will be completely fucking stumped as to why we left them half bottles of shampoo & tubes of toothpaste & mouthwash.  If only they knew that this box contained what passed for a legitimate threat in 2007, they would have a good laugh before they went back to defending themselves from the never-ending ferocious onslaught of zombies.



  1. Intersting that you think you could get your hands on a Hydrogen bomb. ANd know how to work the timer. Come to think of it, of all the people I personally know, you probably could. I still think the time part would stump you.

  2. To be honest, given my mediocre handyman skills, the “water tight compartment” portion may prove to be the most difficult.

  3. BTW, what up with those people in Tulsa. If they would have had the Donald of Tulsa (Mr. Sager) leading this project I’m sure it would have been water tight.

  4. 5 things in MY time capsule.

    1. All seasons of “The Office” on DVD. The future should know what a great comedy is all about. I venture to say that they will need a good laugh.

    2. One Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme. If you’ve had one, they you’ll now why. Chances are, any type of fast food would need not additional preservatives to make it to 2057.

    3. A pair of silicone breast implants. Why not.

    4. A copy of the Reagan Diaries. The future should know that at one time, we actually had a great president. Also, a copy of Hillary Clinton’s bio, and Obamas “the audacity of whatever the fuck he is talking about”. We all deserve to know what could have been, and how we dodged those bullets.

    5. An LA Dodger team photo from 1988; the last year they won the World Series. Chances are the future will not believe they ever actually won one before.

  5. You must also include Jesse-39’s film reviews…all of them…updated weekly til the dude dies. And no fair contracting a hit on him.

  6. Oh, mr Nelson… Did Orange County find you, or did you find Orange County? Seriously, the Reagan Diaries?

  7. BTW, since we’re talking about movies (hey, we were yesterday, dammit), I just wrapped the latest Steven Seagal, straight-to-DVD, extravaganza. Its going to be a horrible piece of crap, but a piece of crap you don’t want to miss. I mean how often do you get to watch a movie where a priest gets killed in his own confessional and then a huge gun fight erupts at his funeral?…with the hearse exploding from errant gunfire?

    Them’s good viewing. Jesse-39 is already counting up the Oscars.

  8. The trump of tulsa would make sure that crypt didn’t leak for sure!

    A++++++, would dig waterproof hole with him again!

  9. Um, Mr. Nelson… Change your end of our bet* to Dodgers’ gear. And if it’s a sweep, you have to also hold a copy of both Bill and Hillary’s autobiographies.

    (*We have a bet on the Dodgers/Angels freeway series. If the Angels win I have to wear a Giants jersey and hat and take my picture and if… when the Dodgers win he has to do the same with Dodger paraphanalia. That is all. Carry on.)

  10. The Reagan diaries is the best I could think of on short notice. The point still stands. I am in Orange County, but I was born in a Blue State. My beliefs are my beliefs. Perhaps in LA, we could put a Che Geuvara t-shirt in there….On the back it could say “I don’t really know anything about Che, but I thought the T-shirt was neato”

  11. Dude, don’t back down on the Reagan diaries! You said it ‘cuz you meant it – that’s cool. Now if you’d have said Mitt Romney’s new book “Governing by Coin Toss: Flip-flopping isn’t a Democrat Thing, It’s a Massachusetts Thing!” then we’d have to talk.

  12. 2057? I am sending cherry-flavored Viagra and a carton of Marlboro Lights. After the ice caps melt and the bears attack, we need people to fornicate and repopulate. And smoke.

  13. Be nice to Mitt. You Libs love a good flip-flopper. Let’s look at the record that counts:

    1. Balanced the Masssachusetts Budget without raising taxes (Democrats hate to do ANYTHING without raising taxes.
    2. His plan has provided Healthcare to the entire state. (Isn’t this was Dem Matriarch HRC wanted?)
    3. Mobilized 24,000 volunteers to make the SLC Olympics a success (no, they were not in short-sleeve dress shirts on bicycles), The games went from Jeapordized before he arrived to very profitable after.
    4. Saved Bain Capital from a floundering, money-losing company to an industry powerhouse.

    Don’t get me wrong: I don’t agree with flip-flopping, but his flip-flops were a matter of YEARS apart, not days like John Kerry.

    Also, I cannot wait for GW Bush to be gone. I don’t despise the man, but I think my party can do MUCH better.

  14. Amen to that last comment. This election, I don’t quiver in fear of what’s going to happen if Candidate X, Y, or Z wins. It’s all an improvement from where we’re at.

  15. Here are some high resolution pictures of the car and the items that were stored inside it. Looks like a “fixer upper”


  16. 2008: End of an error.

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