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I live a life of danger & intrigue

July 2, 2007

Actual transcript of conversation from this afternoon between the missus & I:

The missus: Here. (she hands me a slice of a peach)

Me: Thanks (I bite the slice in half, swallow the first bite, put the second bite in my mouth)

Her: Wait, did you eat that yet?

Me: (spitting out uneaten piece) No, why?

Her: Did you just spit that out?  Into your hand?

Me: Well, you said wait… I thought it might be urgent, like it was poison or something.

Her: “Wait, I’ve decided NOT to poison you?”

Me: Well, you know, or maybe you found it had a worm in it or something.

Her: I was just going to offer you this larger piece instead.  Why would you immediately think of poison?

Me: (changes subject).

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18 comments

  1. This feels oddly familiar. But as I change the subject I am also attempting to work out what I might have to done merit the poisoning. Because there’s always something, isn’t there?


  2. Your marriage sounds very similar to mine…


  3. “You see, I spent the last few years building up an immunity to peaches.”


  4. “Peaches! (smells discarded pit) I’d recognize them anywhere.”


  5. Isn’t cyanide made from peach pits? I don’t know where I heard that long ago (a quick Wikipedia search turned up no info) but I think about it everytime I eat a peach. I always make sure that there isn’t any small bits of pit stuck to the peach slice.

    So, yeah. You’re totally in the right to spit it out. If you’re a paranoid, obsessive-compulsive freak like me.


  6. I am quite sure she was trying to poison you, I mean, why not? Ken has said many-a-time: “I like Jonathan a lot, but it would really be great to poison him sometime”.

    Don’t worry, I’m sure my wife is cooking something ruthless up for me as well.


  7. Your wife may poison you, Mr Nelson, but if it’s anything like the Korean food I’ve had it’ll at least be a delicious poisoning. So you have that to look forward to.*

    *In social situations, I have a small business card sized note printed up that reads “Apologies if I’ve mis-remembered the ethnicity of your wife.” However, on the internet, my social faux-pas greeting cards are useless, so I just have to type the phrase out manually like some barbarian.


  8. So I had a similar situation.

    I woke up the other night and my wife was standing over me with an axe. I on the other hand assumed there was a splintered branch on a tree that needed removal or some firewood needed splitting.

    Maybe I should have asked.


  9. That is too funny! I thought Chuck poisoned me by giving me an expired yogurt once….you never know.


  10. Another Man’s Poison?

    Yes, absolutely a form of cyanide is found (and potentially lethal, if consumed) in peach and apricot seeds. Even apples produce cyanide-able seeds. Apples pack very little, but yes, peach-pit-poisoning is very likely if consumed and mixed with Hydrogen.

    Axe-poisoning is also lethal in small doses, so I’ve heard.

    Seldane and Grapefruit are much quicker, though. Maybe not quicker than JK’s wife’s axe.

    This is actually where I should stop incriminating myself.


  11. Your honor, I’d like to strike that last post from the record.


  12. I see here that even I was confused…I will use my ‘other’ alias from now on…which also has the added bonus of removing all suspicion should any of you become poisoned.

    Or axed.


  13. Did I black-out? Did Jess poison me? Somehow I am posting without recollection. Rat farts.


  14. TWO CHUCKS = TOO MANY CHUCKS

    I propose a battle royale for ownership of the “chuck” handle online. The weapon will be sarcasm!


  15. How many Chucks
    could Johnsonblog chuck
    if Johnsonblog could chuck Chucks?

    (I fucking crack me up)


  16. Sorry about the “h”‘s. My bad.


  17. Yes, she is Korean. That does NOT mean you are NOT a barbarian, so just make the most of it. Feel free to rape and pilliage. (spelling?)


  18. A battle of sarcasm? However will I fare?

    Having been in a semi-secluded atoll of the web, I’ve had more than enough time to practice sarcasm, and none to practice my defending of the “Chuck” alias. I had almost forgotten why I started using “No_I_Am_Chuck”…I suddenly feel like signing a Sinatra tune. No, not Nancy…Frank.



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