Sports Betting Is Hard (part II)September 4, 2007
…and so the gambling begins. Despite the ban on online gambling by the US Goverment, it was insanely easy to find a online bookie who would take my wagers. While I’m in violation of some law for even discussing this, I would encourage any feds reading this to scroll down to my post about wanting to shoot the President for better material for a big bust.
So, let’s just say that allegedly, I placed two bets this weeked on the opening of the NFL season. First, I hypothetically bet on the Kansas City Chiefs plus three points to beat the Houston Texans, because my grandfather’s dying words to me were “if you ever see the Houston Texans GIVING UP points against a team, put all your money on that other team.” Secondly, I may have placed an imaginary wager on the hated New England Patriots (much as it pained me to do so) to beat the New York Jets by seven or more points. I feel like the Patriots are the best team in the league this year, and although I’d probably rather get catheterized than see them win it all, I’m not above hoping they beat the New York Jets of New Jersey by a touchdown.
Astute fans will note that the teams I’m picking to lose are historically terrible. I know Shakespeare wasn’t referring to the NFL when he said “past is prologue,” but that’s only because he was British, and those queers play Soccer.
As with last year, this experiment continues until I lose one bet, at which point I withdraw all imaginary funds from my ficticious offshore gambling haven and put them back in the emergency fund that I stole them from (note: just kidding honey*). Also as with last year, I will feel lucky if I even make it past the 3rd bet. You could fill a thimble with what I know about making money through sports wagering, but only if the thimble was most of the way full already.
*… or AM I???