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TSA to American Public: Fuck You

September 18, 2007

Sometimes, when things get a little weirder & then a little weirder still, in tiny increments, you can end up in a very weird situation & take it for granted.  If we could have seen in early 2001 that some day there would be a whole new bureacracy dedicated to the safety of our transportation, and this government division would have signs up all over our airports telling us that we can take the small toothpaste on the trip with us but not the large toothpaste (because the large toothpaste could be lethal!!!*), and that if we wanted to take a travel size shampoo with us on the plane it had to be in a separate clear pastic ziploc (maybe they just didn’t want it to spill on our clothes?), if we could have seen all this, a scant 6 years later, we absolutely would not have believed it.  Islamic terrorists flying planes into buildings is MUCH more plausible than a government organization dedicated to monitoring the size of my shampoo as I go through the airport.

That said, nothing to do with the absurdity that is the TSA can compete with their new program, Clear, and its bizarre, American Express looking website.  Clear is a government issued license to be less hassled by the government division dedicated to hassling you sold to you at a cost of $99 a year (verbatim quote: “Lock in these prices by purchasing a two-year membership for $199.90 or a three-year membership for $299.85”).  The division that sells you the revokable privilege to travel with less hassle is the same division dedicated to hassling you, of course, and this service that you are lucky enough to be able to purchase is only applicable at the handful of airports that participate in the TSA’s Orwellianly named “Registered Traveller Program.”  The features/benefits list of the FAQ states that “fewer missed flights” is a chief benefit of the program, which is linguistically so very close to a mobster selling you “protection” against anything unfortunate that might happen to your shop as to be laughable. 

Who knew, as Lindsay Marshall said, that all that hassle was in fact just a business plan?

*but apparently not lethal enough that they have ever stopped me from just carrying the toothpaste through the metal detector by tucking it up a shirtsleeve – hah, up yours TSA!  Advantage, my dentist!!

6 comments

  1. I am on the official watch list. Every time I go to the airport to fly I have to check in at the ticket counter. I can not use the kiosks. I can not use online to check in. I must show the ticket counter my DL and they make a call to ? and read my description to someone. All thanks to another guy named JK.

    I have been told I can write my congressman and try to get my name removed. I wonder if this would eliminate that hassle? It actually might be worth the money.


  2. I’m sure it’s totally worth the money; if a local gang of bullies was punching you in the face every day & it only cost a couple hour’s pay to make them stop for a year, it would be totally worth it, but that’s not the question.


  3. This is lame. From now on, I am just going to use the Floo Network.


  4. Dear Jon,
    I am advising you publicly and in writing to stop admitting to federal crimes publicly and in writing.
    Signed,
    Sister-in-Lawyer


  5. I am advising you publicly and in writing to CONTINUE admitting to federal crimes publicly and in writing because it’s funny..and we don’t really know that it’s you, anyway. It could be your daughter. Let’s just see the TSA SOL the LBC!


  6. After nearly getting arrested in Seattle earlier this month because I got shirty with the TSA troglodyte lady after she berated me for not securing my mascara wasn’t in a baggie separate from my tiny makeup bag (itself smaller than a baggie!), nothing these dimwitted mouth-breathers* come up with surprises me at this point.

    *note: not actually meant to disparage those who might have to breathe through their mouths for reasons such as, say, sinus problems.



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