Men are different than women

October 21, 2007

In talking with the missus the other night, I made an offhanded comment about the perpetual horniness of teenage boys, and when the comment was greeted with mild skepticism, I responded “oh please, when I was 14 I would have tried to fuck an apple if I could find an apple corer with roughly the same diameter as my penis.” 

Now, we’re pretty close, the missus and I.  We’ve been together for nearly 10 years, married over 7 of those, and we’ve seen a lot of each other during that time.  But she literally has no idea if I’m exaggerating for comic effect or if my fetish for older women extended to include Granny Smith.  And that’s really as it should be. 

All I can say is, I’m glad the LBC is not a little boy, I don’t want to have to gaze around the kitchen suspiciously in 12 years.



  1. I wish I had thought of using an apple corer when I was 14. That sounds pretty hot.

  2. Oranges work better. Wear a rubber.

  3. Yes, oranges would be better provided there are no open wounds. The acidity is a bitch!

  4. Uh, guys, we’re talking “past-tense”, right? Like, thing you did a long time ago? I would hope that visitors to this site could find non citrus-based options for their longings these days…

  5. I feel your sentiment about the LBC, but isn’t it kinda’ worse that 14-y.o. boys who are willing to screw a piece of fruit also will be courting the little lady?

    Home schooling, dude; its the only safe way.

  6. The obvious, cliched joke here is undoubtedly, “Yeah, you would have a hard time finding an apple corer that’s smaller than usual,” but that’s not where I’m going.

    No, I’m above that. Rather, I’d like to share a reminiscence of how the teen boy’s mind works. Here is a snippet of conversation between two friends heard on a beach in San Clemente while laying face down, sunbathing, sometime in the 80’s:

    Mr. Nelson: What would you do if the beach started fucking you right now?

    [Brief pause]

    Mr. Kinsley: I’d go with it.

  7. And hence the story of how Mr. Kinsley lost his virginity, and caught “Sand Crabs”.

  8. No, women just don’t get how that whole hormone thing works. What else would explain why in 9th-grade A.P. history class, I sprouted a woody every day. And it sure as hell wasn’t about the 70 year-old teacher.

    I still don’t know what I was reacting to.

  9. Tell me about it, Nathan – History’s like viagra. I can’t watch the History Channel with the pugs on my lap anymore.

  10. Forget the history channel. Pugs on the lap? Hawwwwwt!

  11. leave the pugs out of this.

  12. “I don’t want to have gaze around the kitchen suspiciously in 12 years.”

    Freudian slip, or Homonym-phobia? 🙂

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