This story is tragically sexy & disgusting

November 26, 2007

I’m going to violate two jonsonblog rules in this post – I usually stay away from stories about kooky news items, because there’s plenty of room for that on the internet, and I usually stay away from stories about women I would have sex with, because my wife reads this blog & she has easy access to pointy objects for stabbing me.

But when I read the story of Jaileen Soliman (yes, you read that right; Jaileen), I was moved to comment.  If you’re unfamiliar, Jaileen is a 25 year old Floridian woman who was arrested in mid November while living in utter squalor with her 3 children, all home schooled, 8 cats, a pit bull, a pot bellied pig(!), a bird and a constantly rising tide of filth including human & animal waste. 

But the real issue here is the dichotomy between my brain & my penis on how we analyzed this story.  My brain feels sorry for the kids, and for the woman, who is clearly not right in the head, although not so much for the pot bellied pig, who was probably more in his element than any pig in America, and is now very angry at Social Services for fucking up a good situation.  My penis, on the other hand, is trying very hard to convince the rest of me that having sex in a living room filled with human waste would not be that high of a price to pay.  See, Jaileen is super hot.  Like, at the very least stripper hot, certainly “pedophile Junior High Teacher” hot, and possibly even legitimately hot.  Add in a flounder index that would unquestionably be off the charts, and my penis makes some interesting points.

Sadly Jaileen, it will never work out between us.  You are currently in Jail (oh the irony!), you have a 10 year old even though you are only 25, and your cooter is quite possibly a petri dish full of biological weapons that even the worst tyrants would be too shamed to loose upon an ususpecting public.  Meanwhile, I live on the other side of the country, and I’m married to a woman who may stab me in my sleep tonight after she reads this.

I like to daydream about the life we could have had, Jaileen.  You and I walking hand in hand along a beach somewhere, pausing only to poop in public and then make out right near that poop.  I guess I’m just a romantic at heart.



  1. Thst last paragraph may be the best thing you’ve ever posted here. ROTFLMAO.

  2. No way. No way! No how could you do the nasty near or with such filth.

    If her house hygene is such, I can promise you she doesn’t wipe “away” from the holiest of holes. If she wipes at all.

    My penis would be very strict about entering into such disgusting cavities.

    Hence why despite in my life time having conquests into the 50s, I have remained disease and pest free.

    Be glad that Jaileen probably wouldn’t be attracted to such a man of the people.

  3. It actually seems kinda convenient, living in your own excrement. I mean, when you’re trying to have sex with your wife, but there’s a full diaper-genie only a few feet away, wafting in your direction? That’s the true test of one’s ability to focus on the task at hand. What man hasn’t wondered if he has the mettle to choke back the vomit and finish the job?

    Say, that’s not bad preparation for sex with Jaileen now is it? I could put together a Jaileen boot camp.

  4. jk, your number of conquests is like double that amount. Are you being modest because of the internet???

  5. Or did you mean “having conquests with women in their 50s”? Because that’s a shocking confession for an offhanded comment.

  6. Women in thier 50’s? Does jk live in Kenya?


  7. This is so going to be one of my divorce exhibits. It’s brillant. Mawhaha

  8. One of the thing’s i don’t understand is it’s obvious this women is ill mentally so why imprison her..wouldn’t a mental hospital have been more apropriate? And wasn’t there anyone who could have helped her?! If her neighbor were upset with the way her house looked..why couldn’t they have piteched in and helped? grrr

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