Archive for December, 2007

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The Butcher Knows All

December 25, 2007

So, I’m buying some Spencer rib eye at the local butcher, and the kid helping me hasn’t been working there very long.  He takes the cut of meat over to his boss, who looks to be about sixty and is gruff.  I can’t make out their conversation, until I hear the boss bark at the kid “okay, first of all, you need to settle down, because you’re about as nervous as a whore in church and you are going to get cut.  Now, have you weighed the steak?” Nodding, the kid told him the price, and without blinking the boss handed him the steak back and said “measure again.”  It turned out the kid grabbed the bone-in rib eye, one row to the right of the Spencer (boneless, and three dollars more per lb).  The boss knew just by holding one steak what steak it was, how much that steak weighed, what that cut cost per pound and what that all figured out to be.  When the kid mentioned a price four bucks higher than he was expecting, he knew immediately a mistake had been made.  Now, I’m not sixty, and I guess my job isn’t really analogous to working in a butchers, but Christ it would be impressive to one day be as ass-kickingly good at what I do as this elderly butcher was at his job.  I just hope I don’t get cut too often along the way.

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Fraternal Wisdom

December 25, 2007

My Brother: Have you seen the video of the fat kid falling off the diving board?

Me: No, I haven’t.

Brother: It’s hilarious – have you seen the video of the fat kid crossing the stream, and his friend kicks the plank out from under him?

Me: I haven’t seen that one either.

Brother: Oh man, you really should, it’s awesome.  [PAUSE] You know, just going to YouTube and typing in “fat kid” in the search box is like a recipe for instant comedy that never gets old.

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CthulhuFruit Awakes!!

December 17, 2007

What the hell is this thing? Found at Whole Foods in Brentwood. It reminds me very much of this, only more citrusy.

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Happy 2nd Birthday, Emerson

December 17, 2007

Emma and the Lion

His name is Henry, and after some initial apprehension he is apparently her new best friend.

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Lemon Party

December 15, 2007

For those that don’t know, lemonparty.org is a disturbing single image website with a shot of three guys in their seventies having a gay orgy.  Similar to the now defunct goatse & tubgirl (check the wikipedia, but don’t Google Image Search unless you want to be visually disturbed and/or aroused), it’s a “shock site” that unscrupulous people try to dupe their friends into seeing.  Which is why it was so awesomely subversive to see it referenced on this week’s 30 Rock, far & away the funniest show on TV these days.  The main character, Tina Fey’s “Liz Lemon” has visiting parents, and her dad Richard at one point says “it wouldn’t be a Lemon party without Old Dick!” 

The best thing about the reference wasn’t just seeing an internet meme mentioned on TV, which is far from original, or even just the fact that a prime time major network show made reference to a gay orgy website, but the degree to which it was worked in.  For those in the know, it was a really risque joke, and yet for those who didn’t, it flew right by without even seeming awkward or out of place with the other dialogue.  30 Rock has a bit of a tradition of rewarding niche/nerd audiences with Tivo-esque single frame jokes, etc, but this was really subversive & funny.  What’s perhaps best of all is that a quick check of the YouTube reveals that this is second Lemon Party reference on 30 Rock.  One of their writers is having a great time, or rather was, until they all went on Strike.

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To be opened in the event of our untimely death

December 13, 2007

The missus & I made a lot of decisions when we first had the LBC, not the least of which was forming a trust to handle all our assets & naming the LBC the beneficiary.  Unfortunately, when it came time to pick a successor for us (in terms of raising Emerson) if we both died in an accident, we chose with our hearts rather than our minds, and based the choice on “sweetness” rather than actual ability to raise a small child, which is how we ended up picking Emerson’s grandmother as the person we wanted in charge of raising her if we both died. 

The choice doesn’t make a lot of sense on paper, as Grandma is pretty old currently, and raising a small child isn’t something you start in your sixties unless you’re in the Rolling Stones, or maybe one of those Guiness World Record holding “oldest crone to give birth” types.  So, upon reflection we decided to change things up & leave Emma to my brother & his wife, who have done pretty well on their children so far.  Unfortunately, this means not only the legal headache of changing the Trust/Will, but also the emotional minefield of telling Grandma that she’s out. 

The missus & I were discussing the best way to broach the subject, and I suggested just sending Grandma a sealed envelope entitled “To be opened in the event of our untimely death,” which would bluntly state what the deal was.  It works flawlessly, in that we would no longer be there for the awkwardness, but the missus pointed out that Grandma might violate the rules, to which I would say we just need to amend the letter to read “Nana Ellen, if you’re reading this & we’re still alive, then clearly you can’t follow simple instructions & we can’t trust you with the Cupcake.  If, on the other hand we’re dead, this is just to let you know that we went with someone else for the position of child rearing.  Thanks for the sugar cookies!!”

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links for 2007-12-13

December 12, 2007