Archive for January, 2008

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My website is not a midget dating service

January 31, 2008

So, as previously mentioned, the jonsonblog Pageranks pretty high on Google for obsure terms, including midget dating.  A recent comment on an 18 month old post of mine on that very topic has led me to assume that someone looking for a midget dating service found this site via Google & is looking high & low (but mostly low) for a little lady.  Ed of Northern California writes:  “Im a man looking for a little person for fun, Im into most things.Im in seaside CA.”

Oh Ed, I’m glad that you’re into most things, but unfortunately you’ve fallen into the same Google trap that my unsuspecting personalized M&M purchasers fell into.  This site you’re on here makes fun of things, it doesn’t actually sell things.  For a site that sells things, you’ll have to wait for the launch of my personalized little person dating & candy covered chocolate site, “mMms.biz” (the middle M is for “Midget!”).

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Marriage

January 26, 2008

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links for 2008-01-26

January 25, 2008
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A trip down memory lane

January 20, 2008

My parents are both medieval historians, which meant that growing up I spent a lot of time in Europe (to quote Eddie Izzard, “where the History is”).  As an adult, it sounds like an awesome childhood, spending every 3rd year in Oxford, travelling around to see castles & ruins, etc.  But I recently found some photographs from my youth that seem to tell a different story.

You can read the delight in my eyes.  I think this was castle # 7 of this one specific road trip.  We didn’t have a car when we lived in England, so we’d store up all our castlegoing into one fun filled week of rental car adventure.

I’d love to tell you that this is from the same road trip, but the truth is, I only had that one jacket.  But can you blame me?   When you find a jacket THAT attractive, who needs multiple options?  I subscribe to this same theory today, as anyone who knows me can attest.

My parents rented me to this man in exchange for a rare manuscript.  The worst part was when he teabagpiped my chin.

Looking back on all these photos, it’s hard to say which one best sums up my life in England.  But it’s pretty easy for me to say which one best sums up my life during the years we spent in the U.S.

YEEEHAW!!  Lighting shit on fire while naked in the gutter!  U.S.A! U.S.A.!!!

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Overheard in my living room

January 20, 2008

Me: Carl Karcher just died this week?

The Missus: Yeah.  Didn’t you know that?

Me: Wow… then who’s grave have I been pissing on all these years?

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I’m gonna fuck this blog like it stole something*

January 17, 2008

If it’s true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder, then avert your eyes ’cause I am about to make sweet, sweet love to the jonsonblog “New Post” button.

Yeah baby, you know how I like it, you little wordpress hussy, with your permalinks & tagging system.  Are you flirting with me?  Because the time for flirting is over, it’s time to knock one out right here on the desktop.  Oh… Oh God… whoa…  Sorry.  THAT’S never happened before, I promise you.  No, I swear, normally I can get my underwear all the way off before I come.  I think I was just a little overexcited because it had been so long and you look so good tonight baby. 

Tell you what, my recharge time isn’t what it once was back in the day, when the jonsonblog was new & getting more frequent (and saucier) updates.  I’m older, I’ve had a kid, things are slowing down for me.  But if you give me like three hours and spend the whole time talking increasingly dirtier, I’m pretty sure I’ll be good to go again.  I’m gonna just lie here & have a little nap… so sleepy… sooooo sleeeepy… zzzzzzzzzzzz.

*The title of this post lifted from an old friend, who once said of his girlfriend, as she returned from vacation “I’m gonna fuck her like she stole something!,” a phrase which has stuck with me over the years.

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Ayudame, es una situation muy peligroso!!!

January 8, 2008

Cuidado!!

Our new copy room at work was built over the weekend, complete with “DANGER” tape in Spanish for some reason.  Best of all, the tape faced IN, towards the copy room, as though the Spanish speaking entity was being kept in the breakroom.  I suspect it is El Chupacabra, the Devil Cat!  He has been known to Xerox hundreds of copies of his devilish kittybutt and leave them in our inboxes.

ESCAPE!

When I came in this morning, this was the scene.  I can only assume El Chupacabra grew restless with his confinement in our dark, cavelike breakroom and is now freely roaming the halls of our company.  I hope no one (that I like) gets hurt!

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Revisiting Some Theories

January 7, 2008

When I first started out in business, I wasn’t the titan of industry I am now.  But there were inklings of my genius, even in the formative stages.  I would come to my bosses with various productivity enhancing theories, none of which were ever enacted but I think they helped distinguish my capacity for outside the box thinking.  Looking back on it, from my lofty perch, it may be time to better understand the nuggets of wisdom that I had wrapped in my nougat of youthful optimism.

Idea #1: Too many office supplies.  This idea was prompted by the game of musical chairs.  Early on in business I realized that not every desk needed a stapler & tape, etc.  But how do you know which desks need the office supplies, and which desks merely want them there for the appearance of doing work?  The solution?  Let the market sort itself out.  Randomly distribute office supplies to 80% of the desks.  Those who really genuinely need to staple will go steal the staplers from their neighbors.  Those who don’t want their tape stolen will hide it where only they can find.  Eventually, everyone has what they need & the office supply budget goes down by 20%, of which 10% goes to me as a commission on the idea.

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? Yes.  I can’t understand why this isn’t a common practice in every office in America today.

Idea #2: Public rumor mill.  Nothing is more typical of corporate America than having to hear about stuff through the grapevine, like “hey, Gloria just quit” or “I think Sally & Jeff are sleeping together.”  What this situation needs is a publicly accessible gossip board (like on an extranet or something), with anonymous posting, so that people could more quickly & efficiently keep up on who is quitting/fondling/suing whom within the company. 

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? Yes, although the one refinement I’ve come up with in the years since I first thought of this idea is to add the concept of “blind items” a la gossip pages that are afraid of getting sued.  So the posts would read like “which Chief Executive Officer of a local firm was recently seen walking around the restroom with his pants completely off?” and “rumor has it a certain up & coming star of the art department may have purchased her fantastic (and newly gigantic) boobs over the Christmas break.”

Idea #3: Employee popularity meter.  This one is essentially like Digg.com, only account membership is restricted to employees (one account per employee) and instead of voting on submitted stories, you just vote on your coworkers.  Bonuses at the end of the year are awarded accordingly.  This system financially rewards the more likable and helpful employees, punishing the meaner more callous employees.

Evaluation: Is it GENIUS? I’m not so sure.  When I was young, likable & helpful, this idea sure seemed like GENIUS.  But now that I’m older, meaner & more callous, I’m kinda glad management had the foresight to kill this baby in utero.

So, there you have it.  A 66% GENIUS rating.  My work here is done.  Ta-Da!!

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I could not help myself. It is my nature.

January 4, 2008

I was reminded of the tale of the frog & the scorpion today as I needed to get onto a web forum to look up some information.  My co-worker had already registered for the forum, which he told me was a laborious process.  I asked for his login/pw combo, as I didn’t need to type anything, just look up some info, but the boards were viewing restricted to login only.  He hesitated for the briefest moment, then gave me the info.  The hesitation made me think “what, does he think I’ll post something inappropriate in his name?  Hey wait, that’s a great idea.”  Seconds later, I’m in the General Info section of the forums and the following new post is up:

Who Here Likes Cock?

I can’t get enough of it, personally. Normally I like it in my mouth, but sometimes it’s fun to have it smeared around my face.  Oh well, thanks for sharing!

 Sincerely, Nathan.

Then, I hit Submit, but not before clicking the “email me with any responses to this topic.”  After all, a joke’s not funny if the recipient never finds out.  Twenty minutes later I get the ranting phone call from his extension.  Apparently he was banned from the forum, and he found out about the thread when someone responded with “This guy is 100% correct!”

It occurs to me that it may be difficult earning his trust in the future.  Our discussion of the incident ended with him saying “The fault lies with me.  I trusted you & I shouldn’t have and I knew better.”  Clearly next time I will need to sit down at his desk while he’s out.  Thank god for persistent cookies.