Sex: I’ve Had SomeMarch 19, 2008
So, this will come as no surprise, but I’ve totally had sex, like a bunch of times. Jealous? Sure you are. But the interesting point is that when I ran across this guide for elderly male virgins (I found it by googling World of Warcraft. Seriously.) there were a surprising number of things I didn’t know. For example, the guide covers the following topics:
- What It Feels Like To Have Sex
- What You Need To Do To Prepare
- How To Handle Premature Ejaculation
- What To Do If You Can’t Get Hard
- How to Act so the Girl Doesn’t Realize You’re a Virgin
- How To Clean Up Properly “Down There” Before Having Sex
- How To Deal With Grooming Issues Such As Hairy Penis Shaft
- How To Clean Up The Right Way Afterwards
- The Best Positions For First Time Sex
- And Tons More…
I won’t lie to you, I have no idea how to deal with Hairy Penis Shaft. I hope they mean my own. If someone elses is going to be involved, then I may have been doing sex wrong for the most part. Also, when they say “how to clean up THE RIGHT WAY afterwards, I hope they mean “wipe your junk on the curtains,” because that’s been my modus operandi since 1990, and I’m not changing now! So, needless to say, I ordered this valuable guide post-haste. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for the vast portion of the jonsonblog audience that has yet to know the sybaritic delights of fleshly pleasures, but I will sum up a couple key learnings:
If she’s riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.
WTF? I’m glad I didn’t find this out until after I had my daughter, because now I may never have sex again. Penis breaking is an option?
Someone is going to get semen on them at some point.
Heh. I hope it’s her. I get enough semen on me at work, I certainly don’t need it in my personal life as well.
Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.
I’m not sure this is a guide for virgins so much as a guide to a fraternity hazing. Left sadly unaddressed by this guide was a question that has eluded me many decades into my life of conquests: How do I know if she is enjoying herself or just faking it? Just kidding, who cares! Am I right guys?