Sex: I’ve Had Some

March 19, 2008

So, this will come as no surprise, but I’ve totally had sex, like a bunch of times.  Jealous?  Sure you are.  But the interesting point is that when I ran across this guide for elderly male virgins (I found it by googling World of Warcraft.  Seriously.) there were a surprising number of things I didn’t know.  For example, the guide covers the following topics:

  • What It Feels Like To Have Sex
  • What You Need To Do To Prepare
  • How To Handle Premature Ejaculation
  • What To Do If You Can’t Get Hard
  • How to Act so the Girl Doesn’t Realize You’re a Virgin
  • How To Clean Up Properly “Down There” Before Having Sex
  • How To Deal With Grooming Issues Such As Hairy Penis Shaft
  • How To Clean Up The Right Way Afterwards
  • The Best Positions For First Time Sex
  • And Tons More…

I won’t lie to you, I have no idea how to deal with Hairy Penis Shaft.  I hope they mean my own.  If someone elses is going to be involved, then I may have been doing sex wrong for the most part.  Also, when they say “how to clean up THE RIGHT WAY afterwards, I hope they mean “wipe your junk on the curtains,” because that’s been my modus operandi since 1990, and I’m not changing now!  So, needless to say, I ordered this valuable guide post-haste.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise for the vast portion of the jonsonblog audience that has yet to know the sybaritic delights of fleshly pleasures, but I will sum up a couple key learnings:

If she’s riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.

WTF?  I’m glad I didn’t find this out until after I had my daughter, because now I may never have sex again.  Penis breaking is an option?

Someone is going to get semen on them at some point.

Heh.  I hope it’s her.  I get enough semen on me at work, I certainly don’t need it in my personal life as well.

Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.

I’m not sure this is a guide for virgins so much as a guide to a fraternity hazing.  Left sadly unaddressed by this guide was a question that has eluded me many decades into my life of conquests: How do I know if she is enjoying herself or just faking it?  Just kidding, who cares!  Am I right guys?



  1. You paid for this? Wow. You’re my hero.

    Is there enough in there for a weekly post?

    And since you’ve been so forthcoming, let me just add that warming up a damp washcloth in the microwave is a really bad idea for that afterward cleanup. Yow!

  2. High five!

  3. I do at least commend them for the line “We know you’ve watched a ton of porn, and you may think you know what sex is going to be like, but real sex is nothing like porn.”

  4. I just worry how they know I’ve watched a ton of porn. Is this stuff common knowledge??? What other of my secrets do they hold??

  5. Krista,

    They are so wrong. If your real sex isn’t like porn, how boring.

    It’s like the old saying goes. Those that can do, those that can’t apparently write a book.

  6. To add:

    You should at least be ready to perform like a porn star! If your partner wants you to dial it back and be sensitive, blah, blah then so be it, but it’s harder to dial it up then dial it down.

  7. Key: You NEVER look as good as you feel. That is critical to remember.

  8. Oh don’t be that way Mr. Nelson. I hear you’re hot.

  9. No mac, you misunderstood. I said he’s “hot for smaller government & lighter regulations on small businesses.” It’s not the same thing.

  10. I think Mr. N is having a flashback to his high school wrestling days – laying on your back and letting every heavyweight in the South Coast league might not look that great, but apparently it feels terrific!

  11. EDIT: that should have read “letting every heavyweight in the South Coast league have his way with you…”


  12. Big talk from the “Pole” Vaulter. Feeling your long stick against your dolphin shorts.

  13. And by the way, macsimcon….I am quite hot ;)!

  14. And Jonson, you are quite right about that! Government, unlike Boobs, are better when they are smaller.

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