Humorous Drunken Beatings In The News

March 31, 2008

I can’t decide which of the two following assaults is my favorite Assault of the Week.  The first one, which I call “Trailer Park Prosthetic Leg Assault” involves a drunken redneck visiting her sister’s mobile home, at which point an argument breaks out and the drunk yanks off the sister’s fake leg & beats her with it. 

Assault #2, which I’m calling “The Empire Strikes Back,” takes place in England, and involves two Jedi (seriously, Jedi is an official state-recognized religion in the UK) being attacked by a drunk wearing a Darth Vader mask & a black garbage bag.  Bonus points to Assault #1 for the Prosthetic Leg detail, but equal points to the British yob who went to the trouble of purchasing/assembling a Darth Vader costume. 

In a close match, I’m giving the nod to Assault #2, but only because I can feel better about it.  In the Trailer Park attack, the victim was handicapped, and probably trying to get her sister to stop drinking.  In the UK, two dudes who list Jedi as their official religion got what I can only imagine the police report listed as a “well-deserved thrashing.”  Interesting handicapped tie-in, while in the US, a prosthetic leg was the weapon of choice, in the UK, Darth Vader resorted to using a crutch to dispense Sith justice, as apparently he had no light saber handy.



  1. You left out some important details. I was about to vote for the trailer-trash story because of the awful picture of the “ex-homecoming queen”. Then I read the Darth Vader story and discovered that Darth didn’t stop at beating up Jedi knights…he went on to pummel a hairdresser. FTW!

  2. And the fact that there are 400K jedi faithful

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