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Do you mind if I masturbate on your pancakes?

April 24, 2008

My friends & I have developed such a disturbing conversational shorthand that sometimes it takes seeing it in writing to really get some perspective on it.  This exchange from lunch today sums it up nicely:

Me: I wish I had ordered bacon on my grilled cheese sandwich.  Hey, can I just have some of your bacon that comes with your pancakes?

Friend: No.

Me: Just a little?

Friend: No.  I need my protein.

Me: I will give you replacement protein.

Friend: I reject your offer completely.

Me: Really? You don’t find my offer to sprinkle my man-juice on your lunch an acceptable trade for the side plate of bacon?

This is such an absolutely typical example of our daily conversation that it’s surprising neither of us has been pepper sprayed by random people within earshot.

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14 comments

  1. A lot of love went into this post.
    (Sorry. It’s cliche, yet necessary at the same time.)


  2. Forget the failed bacon/sperm trade, I am shocked you wasted the opportunity to have breakfast for your mid-day meal.


  3. If you come to the OC, I promise I will find someone to pepper spray you. I’m taking Grad classes at UCI. That must explain the sticky seats.


  4. I find it weird that you know the nutritional content of “man-juice”.


  5. I’ve had mine USDA certified, for a side business I was running during the dotcom boom. I can’t go into details.


  6. Perhaps you could start some “man-juice” multi-level marketing gig, call it “Man-Avie”.


  7. On your 1038th meal at that particular Marina Del Rey location –
    A. How could you forget the bacon on the same meal you’ve had 1022 times?
    B. I’m sure you could have sprinkled some of the dead flies on your sandwich for protein.
    C. The olde’ people there can’t hear a thing.
    D. The breakfast eater is an idiot for not taking you up on that. John McCain didn’t almost die in a bamboo prison for him not to thankfully eat your man-some.


  8. Please Jonson…don’t go away! Please, feel free to matsurbate on my pancakes. I have an obvious disdain for your politics, but you are ONE….FUNNY….MUDDERFUKKER! I log on to your blog everyday to get a new dose of laughter. If you leave the “Blogosphere”, we all suffer. Keep the laughs going. If readers don’t like our material, there are millions of other places to go. Keep Jonsonblog for those who appreciate your humor.


  9. Agreed- I may as well end my DSL subscription at home if my daily dose of joy (dare I say my only source!?!) dies a premature death…


  10. You can’t quit now. Mr. Nelson’s right, it’s dreadfully boring in OC. You know how it is.

    I want to increase the blog’s popularity, but I fear what people might think of me if I send them a link to it, and they start reading about gay ninja dogs and gamete-soaked pancakes.

    There have GOT to be many, many people who would find you funny even if they haven’t met you.


  11. I want you to continue for other reasons. I am planning on suing you for intentional infliction of emotional distress, and every entry you post translates into dollars signs. I am hurt.


  12. Jonson, I have never met you, your family or your coworkers. I’ve only been to LA once, a long time ago. I found your blog through a link on dooce.com, and have been hooked ever since. PLEASE don’t hang up your keyboard! Your influence extends farther than you realize.


  13. Thanks for all the nice compliments – for the record, I’m not retiring the blog, just taking a little break from writing new posts. I’m sure I’ll be back at some point – the RRS feed is your best bet to avoid a lot of checking back for nothing.


  14. You guys are my kind of people. Perhaps it’s time for a job change…



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