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Too Much Too Soon

May 7, 2008

As a parent & a geek & a former teenage boy, today’s Penny Arcade perfectly sums up my thinking on the ready availability of nudity that the internet has graced young teens with.  This next story is kinda gross, but 100% true.  As a 14 year old, if I wanted to see a naked woman, my best (only?) option was to ride my skateboard past the UCLA fraternity houses on the outskirts of Westwood & hope that they had thrown out a used copy of Hustler that I could sneak into the house.  I probably only found two or three during my entire early adolesence, but they were like sacred relics, to be guarded & treasured & hidden & studied like the Rosetta Stone of vaginas, answering so many questions (“hey, a six is a like an upsidedown nine.  I wonder if that’s why they call it that?”) while posing still others (“why are these pages stuck together?”). 

When I was in 8th grade in England, the paper ran an article about the dancers at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, and actually printed a photo of the ladies all showering after a show, with as many as 5 (FIVE!!!) visible boobies all soaped up.  I swear to you that I’m not joking when I tell you I stole that page of the paper & hid it in my room for the entire 8th grade year.

I adore my daughter & wouldn’t change a thing, but sometimes it’s not just that I’m happy I had a girl as much as that I’m relieved that I didn’t have a boy.

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11 comments

  1. My dad had a trunk-o-porn that was easily accessible, but “found” porn is much more exciting. When I was 12, my friends and I discovered that the empty lot behind the Alpha Beta was strewn with dozens and dozens of torn up porno mags. We named the place “Heaven”…sadly enough, that was what we called it.


  2. Interesting perspective that porn leads you to be relived you had a girl instead of a boy. I guess you didn’t consider that she might be “featured in” vs. “looking at”. Oh well.


  3. Yeah, you’re right I didn’t consider that, any more than I consider that she’ll be abducted by aliens or accidentally killed in a time travelling mix-up. When something is out of the realm of possibility, why bother wasting time considering it.


  4. I beg to differ. Clearly you have the porn gene. How do you think that translates to the female gender?


  5. I too am relieved to have daughters….at least for now. I dread the day “boys” come into the picture. I need a shotgun.


  6. I get irrationally angry at the mere idea of horny, shit-for-brains boys simply thinking about my daughter. My plan is to coach little league for the boys in my daughter’s class. I will select one boy to viciously brutalize in front of the others. When he is crying and bleeding, I will scalp him in front of the others and scream “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT MY DAUGHTER.” Then we can all have orange slices and Capri Sun.


  7. I’m not terribly concerned about my daughter being “featured” (although, since we do live in ‘The Valley’ the thought has crossed my mind) and I don’t really care if my son is “looking at.” But it is the impure thoughts of classmates and the potential for action on those thoughts that worries me. I like the direction Chuck is going there, but I have a much more subtle, ground-level protection plan working – I have boy-girl twins. Instant at-school bodyguard!!


  8. My daughter is currently thirteen. I’m not particularly bugged by the idea of her ‘making love’ (having mutually enjoyable sex). What gets me is knowing that for most teenage boys, girls are just one rung in a hierarchy of preferred methods of getting off. And they’ll tell a girl anything to achieve that goal. So, it’s the thought of her being taken advantage of that keeps me awake at night.

    For example, several years ago, it was all over the news that oral sex had become much more common among teens, and that they didn’t consider it as having sex. It drove me nuts that the news outlets politely called it ‘oral sex’, not ‘getting head,’ as I’m about 99% sure that 99% of the rise in oral sex was female-on-male.

    (On the other hand, I envied the fact that today’s teen boys had managed to convince girls that head was okay and not a big deal).


  9. I’m just happy my son is two years older than my daughter so I can show him how to beat the hell out of boys who won’t take no for an answer.

    I always wondered if maybe men who wanted their daughters to never have sex might be a little too protective. Maybe if we raise our daughters to be selective and perhaps..particular with their boyfriends we can minimize the chances of a problem?


  10. I was sure via Karma, I would be given girls. Hot, blonde, dumb, sluts.

    My fear now that I have two boys is that I will be given grandchildren when they are teens.

    So I was thinking, can you give a teenager a vesectomy? They could always get it reversed later in life right?


  11. RUPRECHT? Do I have to put on the Genital Cuff?



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