Archive for June 29th, 2008


A Sad Day Indeed

June 29, 2008

This video of a walrus masturbating was one of the first things I saw on the internet that made me realize what a positive force for social change the internet could truly be. Much like a grandparent with an urban legend, I rickrolled that self-gratifying walrus to everyone in my address book, to the point where people became afraid to click on links like “hey, check this out, it’s an awesome clip of something great happening and I swear it’s not that walrus masturbating this time.” That walrus was like the football, I was like Lucy, and everyone I knew was Charlie Brown. For a while, whenever I got a new media playing device like a PSP or an iPhone, I broke it in by queing up the video of the masturbating walrus for good luck.

So it’s with a heavy heart that I must pass on the news that Ayveq, the self-gratifying walrus in question has passed away. Aquarium director John Dohlin said of his passing ““He was an absolute delight. He had a magnetism and a charm that was totally his own. He loved people and he knew how to work a crowd and entertain guests.” Given that Ayveq was a compulsive masturbator, it’s understandable that Dohlin followed with “He did have a raffish charm, no doubt about it,” proving once again that what is raffish among our walrus friends is a misdemeanor for you & I. Nice double standard, world!!

Here’s to you, Ayveq, may you live forever among the dancing kittens & guys getting hit in the nuts videos of YouTube.