Archive for July, 2008


Never Stop Learning

July 31, 2008

Things I learned tonight:  That creature in the trash compactor in Star Wars, the one that tries to kill Luke? It’s called a Dianoga.   Also, that wormlike creature that Han flies the Millenium Falcon inside of in Empire Strikes Back during the asteroid field chase, it’s called an Exogorth, and it reproduces aesexually in the vaccuum of space.

Useful things I learned tonight: <sound of crickets chirping>

Also, I didn’t technically learn this tonight, but it was just this week that I learned that someone has already had the idea to cover naked women in single slices of Kraft American Cheese, (NSFW) slightly melted, and spray them with ketchup.  God damn you, internet.  Why do you keep crushing my dreams?


Confusing Spam

July 28, 2008

When I first started getting spam, it would trick me with innocent sounding subject lines like “here are the stamps you ordered” or “important information for you,” and then on the inside it’s all squids & Japanese schoolgirls.

But apparently spammers are now using reverse double secret psychology. “Priest and nun humping in confession room” is a pretty blatant subject line. I mean, I DO work in advertising, but I suspect that’s not a work related email.

I don’t usually click on spam, but my Master’s Thesis at Yale was on the subject of Nun Pornography, so naturally I can’t resist opening up the email, only to find the interior line “MRI show promise for detection of early Alzheimer’s” and a confusing URL.

WTF, Spam? Is this porn or science? What am I going to get when I click on this link? Are you daring me to lose interest?

By the way, for the curious, if you click on the link you get directed to a mostly blank page that tries to automatically download an .exe to your computer so that you can “watch the movie.” I didn’t let it download, so I can’t tell if the movie was religious in nature. Disappointing all around.


links for 2008-07-27

July 27, 2008

links for 2008-07-25

July 25, 2008

Fuck You, Leprechaun

July 24, 2008

As I walked into work this morning, I whistled under my breath the Lucky Charms couplet.  The tune was stuck in my head for no reason.  I haven’t seen a Lucky Charms commercial in decades, most likely.

It occurred to me that if I live to be 85, on my deathbed in the hospital, the conversation could go like this:

Doctor: Mr Rouse, I have your test results back, but before we discuss that, I’m curious about something.  How do Frosted Lucky Charms taste?

Me (raspy old man voice): They’re magically delicious.

Doctor: Ah yes, that’s right.  I’m afraid you have cancer.

As I’ve stated again and again, I can’t remember the name of my dogs, or where I just set down that thing that was on fire, but Frosted Lucky Charms, They’re Magically Delicious will never, ever, ever leave my brain.  It’s become an autonomic action, like breathing, that I couldn’t stop if I tried.  How much did General Mills pay to own that portion of my limited mental capability?  I don’t buy sugary children’s cereals, but at some point, I will probably get some for the cupcake (when the missus isn’t looking), and when the time comes to make the choice, I’m sure that Frosted Lucky Charms will be near the top of the list, thanks to their magical powers.

Fucking leprechaun.


Best. Video. Ever.

July 24, 2008

My Wikipedia Falsehood

July 18, 2008

I lie.  I do it all the time.  I’m doing it right now.  Couldn’t stop if I wanted to.  Most of my lies are outrageous, easily disproved falsehoods, which is convenient, because no one picks them up & runs with them as though they were true.

Recently, a friend (whose last name is Haddad – IMPORTANT DETAIL) mentioned the 80/20 Rule, which in our example referred to the fact that 80 percent of your profits as a company are derived from 20 percent of your audience.  My friend mentioned that it was also known as the Pareto Principle, and cited the Wikipedia as proof of this fact.  Before the phone call was over, I had edited the Wikipedia such that what originally read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

now read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Most Wikipedia lies are so easily disproven that they immediately get edited out, and I realize I’m probably killing this joke just by writing this entry (not to mention getting my IP address banned from Wikipedia), but four weeks later, the unattributed cribbing from the Wikipedia article not only still stands, but is spreading all over the web.  The funny thing is, there already IS a Haddad’s Theorem, about something completely boring & unrelated.  But the power of my Wikipedia lie has almost eradicated any actual mention of Haddad’s Theorem from the front page of Google.

It first showed up here on Linked In’s professional advice page, as user Joerg Kurt W says “The 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, or Pareto principle is also related to several other principles, like the ‘Iron law of oligarchy’ and ‘tipping point principle’.

From there, it appeared on the second entry of this Atkins Diet bulletin board.  Writer cgdat136 says “So, this has me thinking about the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem or the Pareto Principle: Will 80% of our efforts (goals) really be achieved by only 20% of us?

Then here, on a marketing blog called Ramblings of a Marketing Gurl.  In her Customer Segmentation entry, she writes that  “The Pareto principle (a.k.a the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem) states that 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Currently only 2 of the top 10 Google results for Haddad’s Theorem involve the accurate mention of what the term refers to.  The other 8 are Wiki citations.

Like I said, I’m sure this ends with the publication of this entry, but it was interesting to see how quickly the lie took root & spread.


links for 2008-07-11

July 11, 2008

Mmmmm… Sacrilicious

July 7, 2008

My friends & I have been playing this golfing videogame lately, and on one of the courses, there’s a gigantic Lobster statue for some reason.  Sort of like the pigs head on a stick in Lord of the Flies, this incongruous refugee from Mysterious Island has given rise to a new, more primal religion, a form of crustacean worship where we sometimes say a brief prayer to our briney saviour before difficult shots.  Earlier today I made the Lobster a silent promise that if I hit a difficult chip-in I would prosteltyze in his name, so here you go.


Reality TV is a Bad Place to Look for New Friends

July 7, 2008