Archive for October, 2008


Is Nothing Sacred?

October 30, 2008

As alert Jonsonblog readers will remember, I am a big fan of The Slanket, America’s first blanket with built in sleeves.  So you can imagine my shock & dismay when I ran across this website for “The Snuggie,” a cheap competitor with absolutely no innovations, a knockoff in every sense of the word.  This aggression will not stand.

Not only is the Slanket superior in every way, the core truth of the matter is, America doesn’t need TWO blankets with sleeves, each trying to corner the lazy, cold-armed videogamer market.  We have serious problems as a nation, we can’t focus on these bullshit distractions.  Eras of foolish prosperity, that’s when you can establish a competitive blanketsleeve marketplace.  We’re in a well documented economic holocaust.  Plus: Snuggie? Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with?  Slanket tells me everything I need to know.  Snuggie sounds like the fabric softener bear, or a euphamism a pedophile would engage in.

So, in summary: fuck off, Snuggie.  The window of opportunity on this market closed before you ever registered a url.


He should have his snake license revoked

October 28, 2008

I never been a fan of snake owning, I’m too much of a pussy to feed live warm blooded food to my pets.  But this story of a mouse who was fed to a venemous viper only to turn the tables & kill the viper in a 30 minute battle royale really made me think.  Specifically, it made me think:

1) That little fella’s got the heart of a champion.  Seriously, from here on out for the rest of his mousey life, nothing is going to seem unaccomplishable.  Like on Tom & Jerry, he’s going to be like Jerry’s little Mouseketeer nephew who was not afraid of cats.  I don’t see his luck holding up.

2) I’m not sure the Mouse actually killed the snake. I suspect when the venemous viper realized what direction the fight was heading, it bit its own tongue out of shame.  Jesus, viper, you are an embarassment to your slithery kind.


In Your Face, Pennsylvania

October 28, 2008

The coolest thing about this map of electoral results from every election ever is watching the number of electoral votes in California grow over the years.  The total vote count for the nation never shifts, so every extra vote CA gets comes at the expense of some crappy place that no one wants to live any more.  In particular, I’m thinking of Pennsylvania.  Scroll over to the 1960 Kennedy election when CA & PA both contributed 32 electoral votes.  In the 2008 contest, CA is up to 55, while PA has fallen to 21.  Ohio hasn’t done all that well in the intervening years either.  Eat it, suckers, your empire built on steel & blue collar ethos can’t hold a candle to our multi-cultural melting pot of cheap ethnic labor!

Also amusing: how incredibly one sided some of the contests were.  Specifically, Reagan in 1984 (seriously, Mondale only won one state more than H Ross Perot, and Perot wasn’t even running in that election).  Also noteworthy for its brutal lack of competition: 1972’s Nixon/McGovern.  In retrospect, Nixon didn’t need to break into the Watergate hotel to spy on his competition, it looks like the race wasn’t all that close.

After these last two intensely hard fought elections, it’s amusing to see some that were over before the polls closed out west.  Here’s hoping for more of that; for better or worse, a house divided cannot stand.

Finally, the winner for “most dramatic about-face” in the Nation’s history has to be the switch from Red to Blue in 1932.  Sure, stock market’s going well, everyone LOVES Herbert Hoover, but you get one little (great) depression and we’re a nation of class-warfaring liberal bastards overnight.

P.S., anyone curious about how it would look if we ever broke from our 2 party system should check out 1872.  Ugly!


No On 8

October 27, 2008

I’m worried that it’s a lost cause, but this video sums up my feelings on the issue nicely.  Also, I’m not a religious person, but what I wouldn’t give if all Christians felt this way.



October 27, 2008

These two stories both headlining the news on the same day.


I Got Kicked Out of Black Facebook

October 22, 2008

I’m not very good at being on Facebook. I never update my status, and I never visit the site.  Which is why I was surprised to find myself signing up for Black Planet, a facebook clone aimed entirely at the African American community.  I’m not sure what I was doing there, but I think when Obama becomes President, he’s probably going to use a service like Black Facebook to get the secret word out to his people about what their hidden agenda is, and I definitely want to be in the know.

Unfortunately, I think Black Facebook is restricted to African Americans, and while I can easily lie on a registration form (I do it every day!), when it came time to fill out my interests, music, films, etc, I realized the flaw in my plan.  I only like super white things, like Wilco & Radiohead & the films of the Coen Brothers.  So I came up with a plan.  I wrote in my profile that I was raised by white people and therefore only liked the things that they liked.  Then I filled out the rest of my profile with honest responses.  Step 3: PROFIT.

Unfortunately, my secret identity was not secret enough.  Less than 24 hours after joining, I got the following email message:

Hi trickwhiteyman, [THIS WAS MY SECRET NICKNAME]

Your account has been closed. It was closed either at your request or because we determined you have violated our Terms of Service.

At, we embrace freedom of expression. However,
we also make it our duty to consider the interests of the larger community of
members who use this site. This means keeping free of as much profanity,
offensive and derogatory material, and SPAM as possible — in the form of,
but not limited to, images and text.

I totally didn’t violate their terms of service.  Unless pretending to be Bryant Gumbel was explicitly forbidden.  I guess I will have to go looking for Secret Muslim Facebook.


I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this coming.

October 21, 2008

…and that’s the news from Ohio

October 16, 2008

I’m pretty sure none of the people being interviewed realized it was Al Jazeera News holding the microphone, or there might have been some bloodshed.


Let It Be Known

October 15, 2008

Throughout time, mankind has been plagued by many seemingly unknowable questions, chief among them “what flavor of potato chip is the best flavor?”

This mystery can at last be put to rest.  Utz Carolina Style BBQ chips are far and away the best.  Sadly, unlike Lays or Doritos or Tostitos or Ruffles or Fritos, they are not made by Frito-Lay (seriously?  One company makes every single brand of nationally available chips?) and thus are only available regionally, in the Chesapeake Bay region to be specific.

Now, you CAN order them online, but ordering your potato chips online to have them shipped to your house is a slippery slope away from paying people to rub your belly in concentric circles when you’ve had too much to eat.  On the virtuous to gluttinous scale, with “exercise & eat right” on one end and “wallow in your own filth” on the other, ordering potato chips online is definitely across the midpoint & headed in the wrong direction.

So, no Utz chips for me.  Which only makes me want them more.  People of the Chesapeake Bay region, appreciate how fortune has smiled upon you in this one relatively minor way!


Signs of the Economic Holocaust

October 14, 2008

On the radio this morning I heard an advertisement for Coldwell Banker’s 10 Day Sales Event; the ad copy read just like a used car lot.  What’s so unusual about the event is that home sales are traditionally a peer to peer event.  A seller, a buyer, and a broker who shepherds the deal & takes a commission.

Apparently things are so bad out there that Coldwell is resorting to Crazy Gideon style sales tactics to spur purchases.  I don’t know much about the housing industry, but my initial thought was that maybe Coldwell is both the broker and the owner/seller in many of their homes, having taken possession through foreclosure.  If that’s not the case (and it well may not be, I don’t know shit about the mortgage industry), then maybe sales of existing homes are just appallingly slow right now and radio jingle spots and hyped “events” are the best thing the marketing gurus at Coldwell could come up with to get things moving again.

If Coldwell is not selling the houses themselves, I’m not sure how they can promise 10 days of specially reduced prices.  Maybe they had their brokers tell everyone trying to list a house with them that they would have to lower their prices between October 10th & October 19th.

If they really want to get the economy going again, they should abandon the gimmicks & hire Vince from the Shamwow commercials as their pitchman.  My wife saw those once and immediately demanded a shamwow.