Archive for October 6th, 2008

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Shooting Yourself Twice May Be The Solution

October 6, 2008

Fannie Mae said it will set aside the loan of a woman who shot herself as sheriff’s deputies tried to evict her from her foreclosed home.  Addie Polk, 90, of Akron, Ohio, became a symbol of the nation’s home mortgage crisis when she was hospitalized after shooting herself at least twice in the upper body Wednesday afternoon.

  • Result: Debt waived, public sympathy
  • Conclusion: Shooting yourself twice is an effective way to solve your problems.

29-year-old Jonathon Guabello and his girlfriend returned home from a bar early Wednesday morning. The girlfriend told deputies that Guabello had wanted to get intimate, but she wanted to go to sleep… several minutes later she heard two gunshots.

  • Result: No sex; public mockery
  • Conclusion: Shooting yourself twice is NOT an effective way to solve your problems.

Q&A: When To Shoot Yourself

Question: I have a problem.  Should I shoot myself?  If so, how many times?

Subquestion A) Is your problem sexual in nature?  If yes, do not shoot yourself.

Subquestion B) Is your problem financial in nature?  If yes, go ahead and shoot yourself twice.

Subquestion C) Do you regularly appear on the TV Show The Hills?  Go ahead and shoot yourself at least five times.

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The Polar Opposite

October 6, 2008

Ever since running into Dave Grohl @ the farmer’s market in Studio City, I’ve wondered what the LEAST rocking musician I could run into in a non-celebrity environment would be. I mean, Dave Grohl’s such a rocker you kinda don’t expect to see him shopping for fresh peaches & broccoli at a farmer’s market. Shouldn’t he be rocking 24 hours a day? Who is rocking while Dave Grohl shops for produce?

The wondering ceased yesterday, when my wife said to me while we were at the park, “I think that’s one of the women from Wilson Phillips.” It turned out later to be two of the women from Wilson Phillips as Carnie (pictured) was there with her sister Wendy. No word on where Chynna Phillips was.

P.S. in case anyone thinks Carnie Wilson is shy about being recognized (although after broadcasting her gastric bypass surgery on the internet, I’m not sure how anyone would think that), she settled the “I’m not sure that’s Carnie Wilson” debate I was having with the missus by telling a 3 year old in a voice loud enough for everyone at the swings to hear “Hello, my name is Carnie. What is your name?”

This may also be a good time to point out that, despite having virtually no contemporary pop culture knowledge, my wife is the Michael Jordan of recognizing celebrities.  I could literally have had my penis in the woman in that picture above & not known it was Carnie Wilson, but from across the crowded park playground, my wife spots her immediately.  There must be a way to make a profit from this trivial talent.