I Got Kicked Out of Black Facebook

October 22, 2008

I’m not very good at being on Facebook. I never update my status, and I never visit the site.  Which is why I was surprised to find myself signing up for Black Planet, a facebook clone aimed entirely at the African American community.  I’m not sure what I was doing there, but I think when Obama becomes President, he’s probably going to use a service like Black Facebook to get the secret word out to his people about what their hidden agenda is, and I definitely want to be in the know.

Unfortunately, I think Black Facebook is restricted to African Americans, and while I can easily lie on a registration form (I do it every day!), when it came time to fill out my interests, music, films, etc, I realized the flaw in my plan.  I only like super white things, like Wilco & Radiohead & the films of the Coen Brothers.  So I came up with a plan.  I wrote in my profile that I was raised by white people and therefore only liked the things that they liked.  Then I filled out the rest of my profile with honest responses.  Step 3: PROFIT.

Unfortunately, my secret identity was not secret enough.  Less than 24 hours after joining, I got the following email message:

Hi trickwhiteyman, [THIS WAS MY SECRET NICKNAME]

Your account has been closed. It was closed either at your request or because we determined you have violated our Terms of Service.

At BlackPlanet.com, we embrace freedom of expression. However,
we also make it our duty to consider the interests of the larger community of
members who use this site. This means keeping free of as much profanity,
offensive and derogatory material, and SPAM as possible — in the form of,
but not limited to, images and text.

I totally didn’t violate their terms of service.  Unless pretending to be Bryant Gumbel was explicitly forbidden.  I guess I will have to go looking for Secret Muslim Facebook.


  1. ET VOILA.

  2. I think you should check out “Mormon” Facebook.

  3. a) Mormon Facebook is just called Facebook. The near universal acceptance of the religion what’s so frightening about Mormonism.

    b) I’m joining these social networks to get in ahead of Obama’s revealing of his hidden agenda. What good would joining Mormon Facebook (if such a thing existed) do in that scenario? Clearly I am better prepared for an Obama Presidency than you are, Mr Nelson.

    c) Not only am I now a member of Muslim Facebook, my altar ego is totally single & up for some good times. Any Muslim hotties on the internet interested in facing Mecca with me should private message my handle, “secretmuslim.*” Assalamu Aleikom, my friends.

    *Note to the missus: it’s not cheating if your altar ego does it.

  4. I, for one, and stocking up on Hammers and Sickles. Perhaps I should start selling them on E-Bay before the government takes it over.

    Since you are a member of the party, perhaps you can fill me in on where the massive bronze Obama statues will be. I need to know which direction I need to face when I begin my worship.

  5. When you’ve been relegated to name-calling your opponent a “socialist,” your campaign is more dead than dirt.

    Throw that sucka’ in the trash heap with the robocalls, the Bill Ayers lies & innuendo, the B. HUSSEIN Obama fear mongering, the “elitism” card, the Jeremiah Wright association, and the never-ending slew of noxious race/religion-bating. Its time for McCain to look in the mirror and see the divisive, reckless, and pathetic sack of poo that he has become.

  6. Not to rain on your parade, but you’re not going to be cheating with anyone you meet on muxlim. Muslims aren’t supposed to engage in premarital sex.

  7. Dammit. I knew that my plan was too good to be true.

  8. If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, what are we to assume it actually is?

  9. A black muslim socialist domestic terroist with a penchant for arugula, hotel fitness, and whitey-hating women? You nailed it, Nelson.

    Better than being a hack, I suppose.

  10. Can we all just agree that barring huge amounts of disenfranchisement, Obama will be the 44th president? You don’t have to like it, and many people won’t. Bush had his eight years to fuck up this country, and now Obama gets to clean up after him.

    Maybe Republicans will get the office in 2012. Who knows? Let’s not argue about the inevitable. It’s 11 days to the election, and the Obama campaign could buy and sell the McCain campaign. Obama’s margin is 10 points or more in several polls, and among independents he has about a 20 point lead.

    It’s over. Unless it’s stolen. Then it’s not over.

  11. Yeah, I think we’re all forgetting the stolen election option. It worked well in 2000 & 2004, why be so confident that things will change.

  12. Is that why Florida when even MORE republican in 2004 and again in 2006? 2000 REALLY got those democrats to the polls in DROVES!

  13. I agree that its time to think more about Nov. 5th. I truly hope that President Obama diversifies his cabinet (with some exceptions) with Republicans. Two people aren’t allowed to participate, though: Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman. Those shitheads need to be sent to pasture.

  14. To date, the most ethnically diverse administration in US history has been that of George W. Bush. We will see just how diverse Obama will be.

  15. Ethnically diverse and intellectually bipartisan are not the same thing.

  16. I forgot, Chuck. Unless a minority thinks like a liberal, It doesn’t count. Just make sure that your side keeps telling minorities to not think for themselves, and you will continue to gain seats.

  17. You’d benefit from reading before typing, Nelson. I noted that Obama would be wise to make his government bipartisan – a rather vanilla observation. You responded that George Bush has an ethnically diverse administration – a non sequitur, but that’s come to be expected. Are you implying that the Bush admin was somehow bipartisan or balanced on account of the presence of Gonzo and Rice? That would be kinda stupid. Kind of like your last comment suggesting a democratic policy that “[u]nless a minority thinks like a liberal, it doesn’t count.” Trying to decipher such drivel is making my head hurt.

  18. I stand corrected. I bite tongue to apologize for missing your point, You are generally pretty fucking rude with our name-calling, etc… But I did miss your point, and you are correct. *bites tongue*

  19. At the very least, Democrats should strip Lieberman of all committee assignments after November. Let him caucus with the Republicans. The Democrats might even have 60 seats in the Senate after the election.

    Maybe it’s time for us all to join Black Facebook so we can encourage minorities to pursue careers in government, and hence greater diversity.

    And bring this thread full circle.

  20. […] new features like “Black Search” and social networking integration (presumably with Black Facebook).  I’m not sure what Black Search is, exactly, but I hope it solves a common problem […]

  21. So if black planet is a facebook clone, why was it published in 1999? How is that even possible?

  22. Although the pompousness of that comment takes away from its historical accuracy, “Anonymous” does in fact quote Wikipaedia correctly. “The Facebook” was not a public site until Feb 2004. “Black Planet” was around as of Sep 1999.

    It is too bad that Cyberthug “MyName?” didn’t take credit for actually getting off a good one on Jonson. Now, anyone taking credit for it will be dismissed as an actor. In fact, it was me … I am myName?


    (BTW – WTF is it with people necroposting on Jonsonblog?)

  23. Trick!!!!!!!!

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