Archive for October, 2008

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…and that’s the news from Ohio

October 16, 2008


I’m pretty sure none of the people being interviewed realized it was Al Jazeera News holding the microphone, or there might have been some bloodshed.

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Let It Be Known

October 15, 2008

Throughout time, mankind has been plagued by many seemingly unknowable questions, chief among them “what flavor of potato chip is the best flavor?”

This mystery can at last be put to rest.  Utz Carolina Style BBQ chips are far and away the best.  Sadly, unlike Lays or Doritos or Tostitos or Ruffles or Fritos, they are not made by Frito-Lay (seriously?  One company makes every single brand of nationally available chips?) and thus are only available regionally, in the Chesapeake Bay region to be specific.

Now, you CAN order them online, but ordering your potato chips online to have them shipped to your house is a slippery slope away from paying people to rub your belly in concentric circles when you’ve had too much to eat.  On the virtuous to gluttinous scale, with “exercise & eat right” on one end and “wallow in your own filth” on the other, ordering potato chips online is definitely across the midpoint & headed in the wrong direction.

So, no Utz chips for me.  Which only makes me want them more.  People of the Chesapeake Bay region, appreciate how fortune has smiled upon you in this one relatively minor way!

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Signs of the Economic Holocaust

October 14, 2008

On the radio this morning I heard an advertisement for Coldwell Banker’s 10 Day Sales Event; the ad copy read just like a used car lot.  What’s so unusual about the event is that home sales are traditionally a peer to peer event.  A seller, a buyer, and a broker who shepherds the deal & takes a commission.

Apparently things are so bad out there that Coldwell is resorting to Crazy Gideon style sales tactics to spur purchases.  I don’t know much about the housing industry, but my initial thought was that maybe Coldwell is both the broker and the owner/seller in many of their homes, having taken possession through foreclosure.  If that’s not the case (and it well may not be, I don’t know shit about the mortgage industry), then maybe sales of existing homes are just appallingly slow right now and radio jingle spots and hyped “events” are the best thing the marketing gurus at Coldwell could come up with to get things moving again.

If Coldwell is not selling the houses themselves, I’m not sure how they can promise 10 days of specially reduced prices.  Maybe they had their brokers tell everyone trying to list a house with them that they would have to lower their prices between October 10th & October 19th.

If they really want to get the economy going again, they should abandon the gimmicks & hire Vince from the Shamwow commercials as their pitchman.  My wife saw those once and immediately demanded a shamwow.

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Shooting Yourself Twice May Be The Solution

October 6, 2008

Fannie Mae said it will set aside the loan of a woman who shot herself as sheriff’s deputies tried to evict her from her foreclosed home.  Addie Polk, 90, of Akron, Ohio, became a symbol of the nation’s home mortgage crisis when she was hospitalized after shooting herself at least twice in the upper body Wednesday afternoon.

  • Result: Debt waived, public sympathy
  • Conclusion: Shooting yourself twice is an effective way to solve your problems.

29-year-old Jonathon Guabello and his girlfriend returned home from a bar early Wednesday morning. The girlfriend told deputies that Guabello had wanted to get intimate, but she wanted to go to sleep… several minutes later she heard two gunshots.

  • Result: No sex; public mockery
  • Conclusion: Shooting yourself twice is NOT an effective way to solve your problems.

Q&A: When To Shoot Yourself

Question: I have a problem.  Should I shoot myself?  If so, how many times?

Subquestion A) Is your problem sexual in nature?  If yes, do not shoot yourself.

Subquestion B) Is your problem financial in nature?  If yes, go ahead and shoot yourself twice.

Subquestion C) Do you regularly appear on the TV Show The Hills?  Go ahead and shoot yourself at least five times.

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The Polar Opposite

October 6, 2008

Ever since running into Dave Grohl @ the farmer’s market in Studio City, I’ve wondered what the LEAST rocking musician I could run into in a non-celebrity environment would be. I mean, Dave Grohl’s such a rocker you kinda don’t expect to see him shopping for fresh peaches & broccoli at a farmer’s market. Shouldn’t he be rocking 24 hours a day? Who is rocking while Dave Grohl shops for produce?

The wondering ceased yesterday, when my wife said to me while we were at the park, “I think that’s one of the women from Wilson Phillips.” It turned out later to be two of the women from Wilson Phillips as Carnie (pictured) was there with her sister Wendy. No word on where Chynna Phillips was.

P.S. in case anyone thinks Carnie Wilson is shy about being recognized (although after broadcasting her gastric bypass surgery on the internet, I’m not sure how anyone would think that), she settled the “I’m not sure that’s Carnie Wilson” debate I was having with the missus by telling a 3 year old in a voice loud enough for everyone at the swings to hear “Hello, my name is Carnie. What is your name?”

This may also be a good time to point out that, despite having virtually no contemporary pop culture knowledge, my wife is the Michael Jordan of recognizing celebrities.  I could literally have had my penis in the woman in that picture above & not known it was Carnie Wilson, but from across the crowded park playground, my wife spots her immediately.  There must be a way to make a profit from this trivial talent.

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I Don’t Know What I Love More

October 4, 2008


The clever video editing, or the fact that they play “The Swish” by The Hold Steady as the bumper music to the debate recap at the end. Letterman’s blatant hatred/mockery of the McCain/Palin ticket has made for more entertaining Late Night clips in two weeks than I’ve watched in the previous year. Although Dave’s at his best when he’s mocking people he doesn’t like.