Archive for November, 2008

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How Old Now?

November 27, 2008

The 20th Century gave birth to many icons on November 27th; Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Lakers broadcaster Chick Hearn, the guy who played Urkel, car dealer Cal Worthington.  But none of these titans managed to create & maintain a marginally popular blog the way I have, which I think grants me the honor of “awesomest person born on November 27th, blogging category.”

Recently, I’ve been referring to my sack as being 37 years old, and since today’s my birthday, this has led the many disciples of my sack to assume it is now 38.  Let me promise you that nothing could be further from the truth.  In actuality, we (my sack & I) just turned 37 today.  I’ve just been rounding up in recent posts.

So, for all you readers celebrating my birthday, enjoy it and have a good (and responsible) one.  And for those of you who have managed to find something else to celebrate on this fourth Thursday of November, enjoy that as well.

Also: I’m testing posting images, for work:

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This Cafe Makes No Sense

November 26, 2008

Since I was already committed to having dinner at Mr Pizza Factory, a crazy Koreatown place that does not serve pizza (but turned out to be amazingly delicious), I decided to make a full day of nonsensical asian themed eateries.

Lunch was at the Royal/T in Culver City.  It’s an art gallery slash restaurant where they only hire young attractive asian looking (demure brunette) females and then force them to dress up as French Maids while they serve you.  But not just any French Maids, the specific kind you’d see in Japanese anime, with ponytails and pigtails and other youthful looking elements.

In my capacity as guardian of the interests of both a 3 year old daughter & a 37 year old penis, I’m  conflicted about the sexualization of young girls.  To be clear, these women were all over 18, but there’s something vaguely unsettling about the experience, despite the attractiveness of the hostesses.  Of course, I’m kind of a pussy about these things; for example, I’ve never been to Hooters in my life, out of some kind of misguided notion of principle*.  And yet here I was at the Japanese themed French Maid cafe. Lunch was certainly fine, but that’s not really the reason people go there, I suspect.

Now, I know what you’re wondering: This Japanese art gallery restaurant, did they have a store built in?  And did that store sell $500 erotic life-size giant squid made of fetish leather for snuggling and/or long term relationships?  Of course they did.

Keen observers (and lovers of fine art) will note I’m trying to recreate a famous painting in my pose above.

As stated above, dinner was fantastic.  Not pizza, by any means, but a really good place.  If you live in L.A., you should go, it’s on Wilshire a block west of the Wiltern.  And if you don’t live in L.A., that’s really too bad and I feel sorry for you, because L.A. is awesome.

The Hold Steady concert was the last show of their tour and the set list could hardly have been better if I’d chosen it myself.  It was kinda of a co-headliner affair with the Drive By Truckers, and they both played the encore together.  DBT came on at 9:00 PM and played a 90 minute set, as did THS, who came on at 11:00.  Fun as that is, getting home @ 1:00 AM is pretty exhausting, and it reminded me that not only my penis is 37, but my entire goddamn body.  Sigh.

*amusing side anecdote: when I explained my No Dining at Hooters policy to a friend, on the principle that it’s a misogynistic business and I didn’t want to support it, he replied “What?  You’re the most misogynistic person I know!”

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On The Wrinkliness of My Sac

November 26, 2008

Just kidding.  It’s actually alarmingly smooth, like a kensington trackball or a topographical map of Kansas.

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I Have the Inner Nostrils of a 70 year old

November 25, 2008

I’m average height, which means that about half the guys I talk to are taller than me, which means that I can totally see their nose hairs sticking out and it is very gross.

For my own part, I started actively tweezing out hairs from my nostrils if they grew out long enough to be visible, and I found out some interesting things about myself through this practice:

  • Even though the concept of tweezing out your unwanted hair is about as gay as 7 dudes blowing 8 dudes, I’m not actually any gayer than I was before I started.
  • I can’t fucking believe how insanely painful tweezing out hairs from the roots of your soft inner nose tissue is.  If sadists held me prisoner & started pulling out my nose hairs, I would totally reveal the hiding place of my family & friends, or any other secret they asked of me.
  • A small percentage of my hair on the top of my scalp is white/grey.  The percentage goes WAY up when you are inside my nose.  Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight or something, but fifty percent of the hairs I pull out are white, like old man white.  Thank god this unfortunate state of affairs hasn’t spread to the crotch area.

…and that’s the news from “things you didn’t want to know about me” for this week.  Stay tuned for an upcoming report on the wrinkliness of my sack (SO alarmingly wrinkly!).

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Mr Pizza Factory

November 22, 2008

On Tuesday before the Hold Steady concert I’m going to grab dinner w/Patrick.  The Wiltern, which is where the concert is, is right in L.A.’s unbelievably large Koreatown, so we’re taking the opportunity to go to Mr Pizza Factory, which, as far as I can tell, does not actually sell pizza.

Their website is spectacular, a single page with an attractive young Korean woman miming the “call me!” action with her hand, while a heart graphic next to her says “Love for Women”.  I have no idea what to expect from Mr Pizza Factory, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be awesome, possibly better than the concert.  All I’m hoping is that my pizza comes with a happy ending.

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Sweet Jesus Yes

November 21, 2008

I have nothing more to add.

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Elevator Accident

November 18, 2008

One of the recurring (but hopefully diminishing) stories of the past few years has been the simmering war between old media and bloggers, with the main point of attack being that bloggers have no standards, no fact checking, etc, that the rise of the internet has bred a modern media audience gold rush, and in the drive to be first to report a story, lapses in ethics, integrity and just plain effort have devalued the currency of news.

That said, unlike the folks @ NBC, every blogger I know can recognize an escalator when they see one.

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Sports Betting Is A Capricious Mistress

November 17, 2008

I don’t gamble on sports very often anymore, and weekends like the one that ended yesterday make me delighted that this is true.  Gambling is by nature arbitrary, and losers are often prone to consider what wretched God would allow things to go the way they did.  This is all the more true in sports betting, where you wager not just on a team to win, but on a team to win by a certain amount of points, a fact that has nothing to do with the team’s decision making process – for them, a win by a point is as good as a win by ten.  For you, not so much.

Take yesterday’s Steelers/Chargers game.  66% of the money wagered in legitimate gambling venues was on the Steelers to win by five points or more (this is not great for the casinos, who would rather have about half the money on either side of the wager).  With 10 seconds left in the game, the Steelers go up by one point and give the ball back to the Chargers for one final play.  Now, there are a few options here for the millions of people who bet on the Steelers.  End the game with no change, you lose.  Other team scores a touchdown, you lose.  Steelers intercept and run out the clock, you lose.  The ONLY situation that has you winning is “Steelers get the ball (either interception or fumble recovery) and run it back into the end zone on the same play for a touchdown,” which is exactly what happened, and millions of people couldn’t believe their fucking luck.  Then, a whistle blew, the referees called the play dead on a violation by the Chargers and took the points off the board.  Steelers didn’t protest, they won by a point instead of 8 points, but they still won.  Chargers didn’t complain, they lost by a point (instead of 8 points), either way it’s a loss.  Tens of Millions of dollars didn’t care, they went to the casinos instead of the bettors. Later, the referees admitted their mistake, but since it didn’t change the outcome of the game, the score remained as it was, Steelers by one.

And it’s not just professional football that is arbitrary.  On Saturday, the USC Trojans were beating the crap out of the Stanford Cardinal, when the Cardinal lined up to score a field goal at the end of the game. Now, a field goal doesn’t change the outcome of the game in any way, and apparently it just annoyed the coach of USC that Standford was prolonging the game to make the drubbing only marginally less impressive.  In a bit of a petty move, the USC coach called timeout just to give the opposing kicker a couple minutes to stress about making the kick successfully.  The coach of Stanford, upset at the pettiness changed his mind and called a different play, throwing for a touchdown; again no impact on the final outcome, a significant margin of victory for USC, just a mild bit of gamesmanship between two petty men.  This play was successful, and the point differential caused by this touchdown allowed everyone who had wagered on Stanford to beat the spread to win, and everyone who had wagered on USC to lose.  This bit of minor bad sportsmanship between two people who couldn’t (literally, are not allowed to) care one bit about the official wagering line affected the shift of millions of dollars nationwide.

All that said, I lost $5 on the Lakers Friday night.  I think that fucking TripleSteak bartender is bad luck.

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My Bartender Is A Triple Steak Guy

November 16, 2008

Living in Los Angeles is weird.  The guy in the cheap leather jacket in this Taco Bell commercial (“medium well”) was my bartender Friday night when I went to watch the Lakers game at a local sports bar called The Parlor in Santa Monica.  I always knew about the “waiter/actor” stereotype, but up until now, I only ran into celebrities I knew, out living their lives or wannabe celebrities I didn’t know, taking my drink order.  This was the first time I got waited on by somebody I’d seen on TV.  Famous enough that I recognized him easily (he’s a character actor who has been in a number of commercials) but not famous enough to be able to quit mixing drinks for people.  Weird goddamn city.

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Malaysia: The Future Awaits

November 15, 2008

I’m a comparably big internet dork, which is to say “more so than anyone I know, but much less than actual dorks you would meet on the internet.”

For example, not only do I use Firefox instead of IE, I customize the shit out of Firefox to my specific tastes, including editing the application registry so that I don’t have to type my Google searches into the built in search bar, but can just type phrases directly into the Address Bar (where you would normally type in the URL you want to visit) and hit return to feed that query to Google.

But here’s where being a “comparably big” internet dork gets you. Somehow I fucked up the registry edit & while I can query directly from the address bar, every single time I do, Google asks me if I want to restrict my search to just “pages from Malaysia.” What are you trying to tell me, Google? Why Malaysia?  Is this a clue?  Am I supposed to leave my current life behind and move to the land of young ladies with peanut butter colored skin & a poor grasp of communal property laws?  If you say so, I guess I have to do it.