Archive for November 6th, 2008

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I Am Curious About Pushing People In Front of Things

November 6, 2008

I had pretty much forgotten I did this, but apparently a while ago when I was drunk I signed up for a bunch of trade publications online, and had them sent to my work.  I think the plan was that I wanted the people who sort my mail at work to be very confused about what my job was.  I’m not sure I totally thought the plan through.

Regardless, the first one arrived today.  Meat & Poultry magazine (“The business journal for meat & poultry processors”) is not particularly interesting, but the advertisements for industrial processing machines are gruesomely awesome.  When I was 16, my first job was behind the deli counter @ a supermarket, and I accidentally lost a portion of my right index finger in the sandwich slicer.  Or, to be more positive about it, some customer accidentally GAINED a portion of my right index finger in his sandwich.

Either way, ever since then I’ve been morbidly fascinated by these giant processing devices.  Slicers, stackers, injectors…  which brings me to a weird point.  I live in L.A., and we have no subway (wait. we do? really?), but if I lived somewhere where there was a subway, sooner or later I am pretty sure I would shove someone in front of a moving subway car.  I think, just given who I am and how curious I am about shoving people in front of things, the daily temptation that came every morning & evening during the commute would be too much to bear.  Which is why it’s a good thing that I don’t work with the PowerMax4000 Human Meat Slicing System.

I think it literally would be a day by day countdown from the moment I was hired until the moment I pushed someone into that thing.  Like, during the job interview, I’d have a hard time focusing on the questions they were asking if the PowerMax was over the interviewer’s shoulder or anywhere in view.  I would have to start every morning with a mantra, a “you’re a good person, and you’re not going to push anyone into the PowerMax4000 today” kind of daily affirmation.  But it wouldn’t be enough.

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The Heights of Douchebaggery

November 6, 2008

I’m glad the election is over and I can go back to writing about important topics like where I have peed and how awesome The Hold Steady are.  But before the Jonsonblog resumes its regularly scheduled writing, allow me to point out to the citizens of Alaska that re-electing a convicted felon, a man who couldn’t legally vote in his own election due to his criminal status, a man whose political career is best known outside the state as a synonym for porkbarrel funding or corrupt and deeply cynical policymaking at the expense of the public interest really shows the rest of the world where you stand.  Bravo Alaska.  You taught us all a valuable lesson, and that lesson is: Alaska is largely inhabited by ignorant moosefuckers.